1/2 mile
I'm having difficulty finding what it takes to do what I was doing before I got ill.
I realized that I haven't done a lot of things in life, because I am afraid of failing. This is a debilitating fear. Like I'm stuck in a corner..unable to move at all. I also realized, that with this, the only way I fail, is if I stop completely. I cannot fail if I'm still walking. That kind of makes it easier.
bitch. I'm going to start taking chances.
Showing posts with label chance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chance. Show all posts
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
day 49
oh yeah oh yeah!
1 mile
i feel pretty good, got a little wet.. (don't be dirty..)
i had to say hello to someone. i had to say hello to CHANCE IN HELL. and i had to welcome it with open arms and whisper in it's ear.... sweet nothings.. i said... "ima make you my bitch."
i think i felt chance in hell tremble a bit.
1 mile
i feel pretty good, got a little wet.. (don't be dirty..)
i had to say hello to someone. i had to say hello to CHANCE IN HELL. and i had to welcome it with open arms and whisper in it's ear.... sweet nothings.. i said... "ima make you my bitch."
i think i felt chance in hell tremble a bit.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
day 34
2.1 miles
we'll see if 2.1 is my new number. my goal "by the end of February, walk 1 mile per day. i started walking 1.4 pretty consistently starting February 20th. here it is, the 1st of March and i've walked 2 miles a day, for the last two days. i've not only met my goal.. i've doubled it.
instead of feeling proud, which, i suppose i should. i feel like i'm playing catch up. i remember being the last one, always. last one chosen.. last one to climb the hill.. last one to the party.. everyone waiting on me (not always patiently) last.. last.. last.. so please, excuse me, if i only allow myself (a tiny amount of pride) for something that i should have been doing all along. this, like so many things, has been last. it's a last resort.. a last ditch effort.
(now i'm weeping)
all of this beautiful effort i am putting forth and instead of feeling happy, that i'm doing it, i feel like a failure, because i've waited so long. i've missed so much.
on the flip side of that, i'm not dead, yet.
and
i feel like i'm fighting for my very life
and
i AM putting forth the effort. I AM.
i think.. would i be a different person, if i wouldn't have tortured myself into a state of walking death? would i be a completely self-absorbed cunt (one of my worst fears, actually) if i had a body like a goddess? i think i would. i do. i think i'd have turned into a wretched human being.
i don't think i'd appreciate those people who make me feel better, just by throwing a smile my way.. or kind words of reassurance. that weird is interesting (yes, it is) and that it will get better. i am blessed to know so many wonderful people. but would i think they're wonderful if i were not me? would i treasure them? would they treasure me?
would i be so damned lovable, if i hadn't suffered?
everything happens for a reason. my accepting that, is what is going to get me through THIS. there is a light.. a pin point of light at the end of a very dark tunnel and i see it. it gives me hope that one day, i'll be there. in the light. basking in the warmth of an improved life. it's work work work and enjoying the journey right now, that's my job.
and playing a fuckload of catch up, i OWE this to myself.
we'll see if 2.1 is my new number. my goal "by the end of February, walk 1 mile per day. i started walking 1.4 pretty consistently starting February 20th. here it is, the 1st of March and i've walked 2 miles a day, for the last two days. i've not only met my goal.. i've doubled it.
instead of feeling proud, which, i suppose i should. i feel like i'm playing catch up. i remember being the last one, always. last one chosen.. last one to climb the hill.. last one to the party.. everyone waiting on me (not always patiently) last.. last.. last.. so please, excuse me, if i only allow myself (a tiny amount of pride) for something that i should have been doing all along. this, like so many things, has been last. it's a last resort.. a last ditch effort.
(now i'm weeping)
all of this beautiful effort i am putting forth and instead of feeling happy, that i'm doing it, i feel like a failure, because i've waited so long. i've missed so much.
on the flip side of that, i'm not dead, yet.
and
i feel like i'm fighting for my very life
and
i AM putting forth the effort. I AM.
i think.. would i be a different person, if i wouldn't have tortured myself into a state of walking death? would i be a completely self-absorbed cunt (one of my worst fears, actually) if i had a body like a goddess? i think i would. i do. i think i'd have turned into a wretched human being.
i don't think i'd appreciate those people who make me feel better, just by throwing a smile my way.. or kind words of reassurance. that weird is interesting (yes, it is) and that it will get better. i am blessed to know so many wonderful people. but would i think they're wonderful if i were not me? would i treasure them? would they treasure me?
would i be so damned lovable, if i hadn't suffered?
everything happens for a reason. my accepting that, is what is going to get me through THIS. there is a light.. a pin point of light at the end of a very dark tunnel and i see it. it gives me hope that one day, i'll be there. in the light. basking in the warmth of an improved life. it's work work work and enjoying the journey right now, that's my job.
and playing a fuckload of catch up, i OWE this to myself.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
day 25
.7 of a mile
there comes a point, when a person has to realize: too much damage has been done. and at that point of realization, walk away from a given situation/friend/loved one and call it quits. no one likes to quit. no one. it doesn't feel great.
i reached that point with someone on Wednesday. and i kind of lost it (not really, how does a person "blow up" via text message?) if you have ever had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of my temper (when i finally and actually do blow up.. well, it's scary) i'm a relatively tolerant person or i try to be. i also try to be forgiving. you know, turn the other cheek and shit..
i tried to re-acquaint with someone who really did me wrong (in the past and not just me, a number of people but i can only speak for myself in this instance.) and Wednesday, it just turned to shit and i realized that i shouldn't be bothering with this person. so.. i'm not anymore.
to be fair. i used something unrelated to fuel my "pissed off" fire and just kind of went off from there. the underlying issue is (as i realized) that i hadn't forgiven him for what he did. funny enough, as soon as i wrecked his day (as he put it) i felt better and i'm not pissed off at him anymore. i don't want to be friends with him either, but i'm not mad about it anymore. i guess it was the closure of getting it out there.
i know that he never read this, but it was for him:
BOOM! and yes, you had it coming. I was your FRIEND and I loved you, you left me! it's not like I was someone you fucked and kinda loved! we were FRIENDS and you LEFT!! I didn't even get to say goodbye. so yeah, I exploded, take it. it's owed and yes, I'm sorry. and yes, I'm done now. I know you've probably "unfriended" me. but then, I think you did THAT a long time ago.
and at that point, i kind of wanted him to "forgive" me. for what, i have no cunting clue. i didn't do shit wrong. if he sincerely wanted to help me "get over this" like he said he did. he'd take this shit and say, yeah, OK. but instead, he ran away... (i have a strange sense of déjà vu)
fast forward through a day of emotional eating......
i realized:
i don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't really remember being a complete fucking shit to me and is "sorry, but it was a long time ago."
over it.
there comes a point, when a person has to realize: too much damage has been done. and at that point of realization, walk away from a given situation/friend/loved one and call it quits. no one likes to quit. no one. it doesn't feel great.
i reached that point with someone on Wednesday. and i kind of lost it (not really, how does a person "blow up" via text message?) if you have ever had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of my temper (when i finally and actually do blow up.. well, it's scary) i'm a relatively tolerant person or i try to be. i also try to be forgiving. you know, turn the other cheek and shit..
i tried to re-acquaint with someone who really did me wrong (in the past and not just me, a number of people but i can only speak for myself in this instance.) and Wednesday, it just turned to shit and i realized that i shouldn't be bothering with this person. so.. i'm not anymore.
to be fair. i used something unrelated to fuel my "pissed off" fire and just kind of went off from there. the underlying issue is (as i realized) that i hadn't forgiven him for what he did. funny enough, as soon as i wrecked his day (as he put it) i felt better and i'm not pissed off at him anymore. i don't want to be friends with him either, but i'm not mad about it anymore. i guess it was the closure of getting it out there.
i know that he never read this, but it was for him:
BOOM! and yes, you had it coming. I was your FRIEND and I loved you, you left me! it's not like I was someone you fucked and kinda loved! we were FRIENDS and you LEFT!! I didn't even get to say goodbye. so yeah, I exploded, take it. it's owed and yes, I'm sorry. and yes, I'm done now. I know you've probably "unfriended" me. but then, I think you did THAT a long time ago.
and at that point, i kind of wanted him to "forgive" me. for what, i have no cunting clue. i didn't do shit wrong. if he sincerely wanted to help me "get over this" like he said he did. he'd take this shit and say, yeah, OK. but instead, he ran away... (i have a strange sense of déjà vu)
fast forward through a day of emotional eating......
i realized:
i don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't really remember being a complete fucking shit to me and is "sorry, but it was a long time ago."
over it.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
day 15
.4 mile done
i can no longer refer to it as 1/4 of a mile, that would be cheating myself.
today was pretty awful. it ended relatively well, but it started out shitty. i just wanted to go back to sleep. so i did, for another hour. it was one of those days, that i could have slept most of away. my depressive side kicking in. i don't know how to put it in to words. i always say that. then i manage, somehow. i'm better at writing things here, for people to read. than i am speaking to people. i don't think i come off as articulate at all in person. i can't tell a story or a joke, not really. i can entertain people, but it's merely a load of randomness, flying out of my mouth. observations.. smart ass comments. i mostly end up feeling guilty when i do. a lot of times, it's hurtful. and i think people have actually come to expect that mean-spirited humor from me. i've done it so long. this shit doesn't shut off. no wonder i'm alone.
there is a huge difference between being lonely and desperate. loneliness can lead to desperation.. but it doesn't automatically start there (i guess it does for some people)
i realized the other day. my first love happened when i was 21.. i gave that lovely Shaun everything i was. i couldn't imagine life without him. on an August morning in 2001, it ended. and i mean that quite literally. life stopped for me. i was crippled. wretched. and i stayed that way. i'm still kind of that way. i haven't been able or i haven't let myself fall again. i didn't love my ex-husband. not really. sure, i said "i love you" i was just going through the motions. i fixed him. he's a capable person now (thanks to me) yes, i mean that. he was living with his parents, going absolutely nowhere. why the hell i thought that was a good idea, i'll never know. i made Josh grow up. i suppose my being a "strong and capable" person had a lot to do with it. i think it's more like this. i'm a terrible bitch. he worshiped me. i let him. i was this glorious cunt. he did anything and everything i said. (most of the time) the thing about it is. i'm not into that. i'm not into the boot-licking, suck-ups.. i don't like people to pay compliments at every turn. they are EARNED. and if they're just thrown about, they are meaningless. that's how the "i'm sorry" started feeling. nothing felt genuine.. because nothing was. i turned into someone i didn't even know or like. there was so much disgust for myself. he never expected anything from me. how can you not expect things from a partner?
(it's over, calm down..)
a good conversation. someone capable. not easily intimidated. patient.
i just want something real.
i can no longer refer to it as 1/4 of a mile, that would be cheating myself.
today was pretty awful. it ended relatively well, but it started out shitty. i just wanted to go back to sleep. so i did, for another hour. it was one of those days, that i could have slept most of away. my depressive side kicking in. i don't know how to put it in to words. i always say that. then i manage, somehow. i'm better at writing things here, for people to read. than i am speaking to people. i don't think i come off as articulate at all in person. i can't tell a story or a joke, not really. i can entertain people, but it's merely a load of randomness, flying out of my mouth. observations.. smart ass comments. i mostly end up feeling guilty when i do. a lot of times, it's hurtful. and i think people have actually come to expect that mean-spirited humor from me. i've done it so long. this shit doesn't shut off. no wonder i'm alone.
there is a huge difference between being lonely and desperate. loneliness can lead to desperation.. but it doesn't automatically start there (i guess it does for some people)
i realized the other day. my first love happened when i was 21.. i gave that lovely Shaun everything i was. i couldn't imagine life without him. on an August morning in 2001, it ended. and i mean that quite literally. life stopped for me. i was crippled. wretched. and i stayed that way. i'm still kind of that way. i haven't been able or i haven't let myself fall again. i didn't love my ex-husband. not really. sure, i said "i love you" i was just going through the motions. i fixed him. he's a capable person now (thanks to me) yes, i mean that. he was living with his parents, going absolutely nowhere. why the hell i thought that was a good idea, i'll never know. i made Josh grow up. i suppose my being a "strong and capable" person had a lot to do with it. i think it's more like this. i'm a terrible bitch. he worshiped me. i let him. i was this glorious cunt. he did anything and everything i said. (most of the time) the thing about it is. i'm not into that. i'm not into the boot-licking, suck-ups.. i don't like people to pay compliments at every turn. they are EARNED. and if they're just thrown about, they are meaningless. that's how the "i'm sorry" started feeling. nothing felt genuine.. because nothing was. i turned into someone i didn't even know or like. there was so much disgust for myself. he never expected anything from me. how can you not expect things from a partner?
(it's over, calm down..)
a good conversation. someone capable. not easily intimidated. patient.
i just want something real.
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