day 67

1.84 milesfunny, peculiar and fascinating - how that, if every day, I give it all I have, the next day, I'm capable of just a little more.

I love the fact that I'm amazed at myself, proud of what I'm doing and letting myself feel good.

3 Wishes: the title of an essay that I'm working on. I'd like to think that it will blow your mind, but I know better, it may make YOU feel something good though.

Peace be with you all.

day 60

1.18 miles on the bike... working for 2 miles (that's my target for now)

I'm shaking.

I've been kind of in a "state" for the last couple of days. It's been a place where I've not wanted to go. Funny how the places we don't want to go (within ourselves) are the exact places we should be visiting more often. It has been bitter. But I learned something. I am capable of feeling something for men (not speaking friends) other than contempt and lusty abandon (which later turns sour).

I am capable of feeling the joys of love. I haven't felt the glimmer of that possibility in a very long time. I'm also not at all ready to GO there with someone.

Yay growth.

day 46

1 mile walked

i think this is weird.. this new writing trend.. i walk after i get home from work, 12:30am or so, i write about it almost 24 hours later. i don't know if this is bad or if it's good. i do know, i'm thinking about writing a lot more. i take notes, thoughts i'd like to include. i don't have notes for this post. =(

i did write something down about a week ago though, that i wanted to put here.

moth, meet flame. i kinda know now, why it is, what it is. we find the little things that we love about ourselves, multiplied in others and we call it love.

i'll never understand love completely, i'm willing to learn though.

day 42

1 mile walked

i used to be so careless with my heart. my formidable years, i wasn't a shy 21 year old, she loved and she loved hard.. by the time i turned 25, i was changed completely, i had withdrawn from the world on an emotional level, i only brought my heart out on very rare occasions.

the thing about doing that is, it just gets more difficult to deal with stuff.. shutting down, shutting out..

i mentioned "the champagne supernova" years. those were good years, there's a sense of naiveté with youth, that makes it so fleeting and fun.. it's also drama-ridden and i have no use for it.. i'm happy that shit is over.

i'm just tired of being broken.

why can't i just say "i'm ok now" and have that be the truth? why isn't it that easy?

day 41

1 mile walked (20 minutes)

i've started timing myself.

i've always tried to be a "say what you mean and mean what you say" kind of girl. i was recently told that this is one of the reasons that "everyone likes me". i've been getting a lot of pep talks lately, which is a good thing, i've got amazing people in my life. i need the encouragement. i hear a lot of "everyone loves you", "everyone likes you" and "you're beautiful" and honestly "why don't you love yourself?"

i don't know the answer to that last one, but i do find it statistically hard to believe that everyone likes/loves me. i don't really care if everyone likes me, just as long as some people do.

i'm having mini spastic freak outs with food.

mini spastic freak out (defined): it's like when you throw up and you think you're done, you've got that sense of relief.. but you have this sneaking suspicion in the back of your mind that you're not done puking.. and just as soon as that thought enters your brain, you feel that familiar pulling at the back of your tongue, as it moves the fuck out of the way. you're not done, you keep going.

(weird, random, left field, why did i just write that?)

i think that i'm done with my weird relationship with food.. but in the back of my mind, i know better. i know that i'm not and i have weird pig out moments.. keep in mind, "typical" eating behavior (pre-getting healthy Sarah) = me not giving a shit and just eating whatever. since i've started walking however, i have this desire to make my physical efforts more fruitful and i'ves tarted eating better. until i have a mini spastic freak out and eat 2 king size candy bars.. no, i'm not upset while i do this. i'm not crying and eating, give me a break, who does that? if i cry too much, i vomit.. eating is the last thing on my mind.

i define it this way.. and i hope that by defining it, i can come up with some sort of answer.

i eat, to fill a void. i feel empty. hollow. i do the same thing with sex (not lately) but it's all to fill that void that is within me.. the void isn't truly empty, it has all these mean things squirrelled away in hidey holes, just waiting for the right vulnerable moment to pop up.. i have a lot of vulnerable moments (always by myself) i think if i were better at being vulnerable with people, i wouldn't have half the problems that i do. there's always a fine line here, to be walked. i've trusted the wrong people before. that sucks.

i freak out and i feel that void. it's like a panic button gets pressed. i panic at the thought of people genuinely liking me, having to be human again. being human is a messy business.

lately, i'm struggling with this daunting task i've started. i'm 41 days in and i was feeling pretty relaxed about my progress but then, i've started *thinking* about what i still have yet to do. it's a lot. maybe i need to start looking at it like a recovering addict does, one day at a time.

i just want to be "good enough", for myself especially.

day 40

.7 of a mile walked

lazy today. i was so tired, that i opted to sleep in (which was a laugh, i just laid there, thinking about how lazy i was being, until my alarm went off an hour later than normal)

i failed yesterday.. when i said "being fat and ugly, has made me paranoid." see, there was a point that i was trying to convey.. except, i got side-tracked and ended up word vomiting a bunch of other stuff instead.

i'm changing. i'm beginning to see myself as something. i'm probably not where i need to be self-esteem wise (fuck, i know i'm not) but i'm getting there. through all this self-work though, comes a lot of "ah-ha" moments.. that's what the "being fat and ugly" comment was all about. it has made me paranoid... to this day, i still have a hard time believing people, when they: tell me they like me, say they want to hang out, be friends.. get in my pants* (that not so much, getting in pants, has little to do with "looks" anyway) and i certainly have major difficulty believing anyone has feelings for me, beyond friendly ones.

(being fat and ugly, has made me paranoid because i doubt like hell, i'd be having this discussion if i didn't feel that way about myself)

i get paranoid.. suspicious.. and i worry.. a lot. i over-analyze to the point of being obsessive. why am i admitting to all of this? because it's something about myself, that has ALWAYS driven me completely nuts. it's all about the stuff i can't control. it's outside of my realm of influence, seriously.. well, not the way i represent myself (which may or may not result in said attention) but.. you get my drift..

i cannot control if someone likes/dislikes/loathes/loves me..

they'll do it, whether i want them to or not.

day 38

.7 walked

i had an unproductive (walking) weekend. i did a lot of talking. and i realized. i don't usually do a lot of talking. spent some time with a good friend. i don't know how we managed to disconnect over the years, no point in wondering really, the important part is that we found each other again.

i talked a lot about my childhood trauma. she got some of it out of me. not details, but how it all made me feel. it was overwhelming and healing. just getting it out and having someone say "none of this was your fault" and believe it. i don't think i've ever believed that i was blameless in all of it.

so tonight.. back on with the big walks.

day 32

.7 of a mile today

that's all i had in me. i will walk again (tonight) but it will be after midnight by that time and it will be day 33.. another day.. another post.. another mile walked.

i wrote some stuff... and i meant some stuff. no one knows who or what i'm talking about most days, so i don't suppose it matters and i'm not ashamed or embarrassed of what i wrote. it's not a case of "oh, Sarah's drunk again.. what will she write to embarrass herself.."

i need to work on sentence structure, grammar and punctuation. my writing is sad and i know that it bothers more than a few people that i don't capitalize anything. (as it should, it's not proper)

back to the stuff, i'm writing it here, because i think it's worth saying/writing again:

blame the alcohol. i think you've got to figure out if i'm worth the risk of potentially humiliating yourself for. i might say "what the fuck?" or worse, you don't know, because you don't know me. (i'm not like that) and i can say with all sincerity and with a pretty humble opinion, that yes, i am worth the risk.

i say humble, because it's true. as i write that, as i think it..
there's a nasty little voice, hissing at me "you're not good enough for anyone."

yes, i am. (i whisper)

"no one wants you."

*sigh*

day 31

1.4 miles walked

it seems that when i write a post, that gets me going (and apparently other people too) that i go into a dry spell. i can't seem to write something great each day.

then i think, that's not entirely true. it's just the stuff that i feel comfortable writing down. maybe i can only open myself up so much at a time.. i don't know who reads this. i know the people that comment and the people that always like it, due to progress or whatever. but i'm weird that way, i don't know who i'm being vulnerable with or even if i am being vulnerable. it's only the truth. which is ugly sometimes and sometimes hurts. even if it's not intended to. so do we buffer the truth, shine it up, make it pretty.. so it goes down easier.. do we coat that truth with lies? to ease it in.. lies are like lubricant.

i made a friend. she gave me the truth. i believe her, she didn't pretty it up for me at all and i admire the hell out of her for it. thanks Velvet. if it weren't for you, i wouldn't know. and i'd still be wondering what and why. i don't regret wondering what or why, because it led me on a path. i wouldn't have met who i met and loved who i loved if i wouldn't have had that drive to make things right between me and who ever that was i knew way back when. i'm not sure i knew him now. not sure at all. but that doesn't matter.

life is lived in the journey, not the destination.

the destination is death, isn't it?

day 30

1.4 miles walked

it feels like spring, even with the snow on the ground.

here i am 30 days in. part of me cannot believe that i've kept it up this long and part of me feels like i'm not doing enough. i get stressed at the idea of missing one of my walks. with every step that i take, i am closer, to something.

i realized. i am doing this, so that someone will like me. this someone is important to me. they haven't been in the past. in the past i've treated this person like garbage. i've abused this person. i've punished them. i've hated them. emotionally, physically, mentally... i've done everything i can, to tear them down and now, it's time to rebuild my relationship. with myself. i love you Sarah. if i met you on the street and had tea with you, i'd listen intently, because you have deep, profound, intelligent things to say. you're genuine. you're thoughtful. you love deeply and intensely. you are so worth this effort i am putting forth to save you. 

and it's about time.

day 28

.7 miles walked (so far)
*update* 1.4 miles walked Tuesday

it's nearing the end of February and my goal of walking 1 mile per day, is somewhat complete. i've been splitting the distance, walking my regular .7 of a mile, twice a day. i find this more attainable at this point in time. and i'm still going with the philosophy that it's more important that i'm doing it, rather than when.

i'm almost at the 30 day mark. i'm starting to notice (and so are others) that my face is getting thinner. i've also noticed changes in other parts of my body and major improvements in flexibility.

i knew i wouldn't get this far along and think oh jesus, this hasn't been worth it.

it's just been GETTING here. (think mindset)

i feel like i'm accomplishing something and i'm proud of myself.

i'm letting me be proud of me. that's a big step.

day 26

.7 of a mile walked... just under the wire baby.

i didn't walk last night after work, due to an early morning... but.. i just got back from my walk.. my ears are freezing.. my eyes are watering.. and my legs feel a bit better, i was in the car a lot today. boo.

on my walk this evening.. i wore a Nike Fit Dry jacket.. a 3x. yeah, i know, that's big, but it ACTUALLY fits me now. it's still a wee snug around the hips, but.. it's getting there. and i thought.. if i had been following a healthier eating plan.. it would fit even better at this point. =(

my mom had surgery today. and i ate so much comfort food that i feel sick. the last 3 days, have been comfort eating. i need to stop. this is ridiculous.

good news though. the surgery fixed her heart (it was broken) and she is all better now. she cried because her heart hasn't felt "normal" for a long time. now it does.

Saturday's walk will likely take place in the day time.

day 20

.6 of a mile walked

man.. so i decided yesterday, to bump up my distance.. truth be told, after i walked that, my hips were killing me. i got swagger beotches.. it's disguised as a waddle... i'll be strutting soon.

i walked a longer distance, because the just shy of 1/2 a mile wasn't cutting it. it was too easy for me (except after my days off - which i have decided to quit taking from here on) i felt like i was just warming up. so, i added that extra bit, not a lot mind.. and boom. square 1.. well, not quite that terrible.. but still pretty ouch on the joint pain.

i was thinking: i can't go backwards. i can't. that wouldn't be productive. i've got to stick this out and make it work. it will get easier. i can't go backwards. i can't regress. i can't let up. 

now, i'm thinking: i can go forward. i can progress. i can.

i want to make 1 mile per day by March 1st. i have to add distance at some point.

so, why was i thinking i can't?

why do i ever think i can't*?

the answer to this question is both, very complex and very simple. i have set limits for myself. those limits are ridiculously low and high (both) my chances for failure, due to both of these extremes is very high.

why do i do this?
i am a dedicated masochist and i am an avid sadist.

not so secretly, i want to fail. because it hurts and deep down, i'm kind of afraid to be happy. because in being happy. excuses are really eliminated. you can't whine. because everything is fluid.. everything is changeable. (i hate that i just put it that way.. i know a guy (that acted in a not-so respectable way) he used to say that and attach the word "babe" to it, to be extra condescending. he was an excellent teacher. but the lessons were always so bitter and painful. it taught me a lot about myself though. i wouldn't know that i'm a sadomasochist if i wouldn't have known him. it goes beyond the safe kinky sadomasochism though. i hurt myself for reals and that isn't good. (mentally, physically, emotionally) it's not healthy to do what i do and i've learned what i'm up to and slowly. surely.. i'm making changes to stop. (i'm still going to get more tattoos and maybe 2 more things pierced, because i seriously want my nipples pierced) 

i'm going to let lovely relationships with people blossom, as they deserve to do.

i'm going to let my friends love me. help me. support me.

i'm going to let myself heal from the emotional wounds and trauma that i've suffered over and over again throughout my life.

Brian cannot hurt me anymore.

i'm grown. i am strong. i am courageous.

Donald cannot manipulate the love i felt for him.

i am free. i am beautiful.


*(there are, of course, situations, where i can't is a perfectly acceptable answer, i.e., i can't breathe under water. i can't fly like a bird. and then, there are the situations, where you can, but morally and legally, you damn well know better.)

day 7

1/4 mile jaunt.. done! 


it's official, i've been at this a week. and when i started, just 7 short days ago, at 1/8 of a mile, i struggled, i ached at the end of it. i had to lay down in bed. my freakin' ovaries hurt, how is that even possible? tonight.. i walked my 1/4 of a mile, i'm sweating a bit, but i feel pretty good.

do you ever think you're over something/someone and then have a dream about it? or them...? i don't understand if this is my brain telling me that i still think about him too often or if i still want him, even though he told me, he's not interested.. flat out, no side discussion. i thought i had dealt with this months ago, when this all happened. i had to abandon the friendship for a while, because it just hurt too much to look at him. this was my fault, i am not blaming him for not wanting a romance. that's his thing. even now, when i think about it. i get this crushing feeling in my chest and a sting in my eyes. i guess that tells me, right there.. that i'm not over it. and when i dream about him, he loves me.

for the first time ever, i know, without a doubt, it has/had nothing at all to do with my weight or the way i look.

this blog is not going to be about that. i just had to get it out, i guess.

my mom always loved to sing this to me, when i was a kid.

day 6

1/4 mile walked. soon, i will be walking 1 mile a day.

i've almost hit the 1 week mark of walking.. if i hadn't skipped a day. (i promised myself i wouldn't cry) i'm joking. i'm not crying. sweating, yes. amazing that it's 37 degrees out and i can still manage a healthy sheen. i'm like an overweight horse, because FYI, porcine don't sweat. (that's pig for you laymen out there)

yeah, the social experiment that so many have been unwittingly a part of.. (sorry) i've been wearing cosmetics over the past, month or so, on a (mostly) daily basis. i wanted to try this for a couple of reasons.

1.) i wanted to see if i felt differently about myself.

2.) i wanted to see if others reacted to me differently.

i believe i feel differently about myself, because others react to me differently. i get complimented. this, of course, boosts the ego/self-esteem, because no matter how "different" we consider ourselves, we are still, at our base, social creatures. to hear others say nice things about our appearance, (work performance or intelligence) has a positive effect or is it affect? on how we feel.

CONS:
i still feel a touch ridiculous "dolling" myself up every day.
it's a pain in the ass, because it takes me an extra 30 minutes to get ready to go anywhere.

PROS:
i am forced to wash my face twice a day, as opposed to once and my complexion has improved because of it.
compliments are nice.
men with whom i interact on a semi-regular basis look at me differently.
(i haven't determined if this is because they like what they see or if they think i look ridiculous.)

so there you go, you unwitting participants.

day 5

1/4 mile walk - this is apparently my new distance.

you know what's frustrating, the fact that i think i have my shit together and i feel centered and focused and good about myself and what i'm doing and then.. it's like i'm in a silent room and i can hear this really thin piece of glass break, it's an emotional thread, a bit of sanity and when it goes.. i mourn it's passing. there went another piece of me, for whatever reason why. i just can't put my finger on it. all of the stress and shit that i thought i let go and pass just comes slamming into me like a brick wall and i feel insignificant and there's a figure looming over me, telling me i'm not good enough, i have no business being happy, trying to make myself better. i have no business being here. in the land of the living. the cool kids table of life. i don't belong. i think there's a gremlin in there.. throwing wrenches in the cogs of my brain.

i have no idea where i'm going with this. life is such a mixed bag of emotions.

does anyone know how to let go?