day 106

a kid (he was in his twenties) yelled at me yesterday, to smile.. he was at the opposite window from me at Dutch Bros. he had been trying to get my attention for a couple of minutes before he yelled, i know, because i spotted him out of the corner of my eye, making silly faces, in an attempt to get my attention. i'm normally pretty easily amused, lately, i've been in a pissy mood. finally he shouted at me: "smile, damn it!" i didn't.. i flipped him off. he laughed. i drove away, i didn't make it out of the parking lot, before i started crying.

i thought to myself: i must actually look miserable, if some random guy is trying to get me to smile.

i thought i'd moved beyond that sort of thing. i've worked pretty  hard over the last 7 months to become who i want to be. i realize, this is all a work in progress.. it will be, till the day i leave this planet. but to think, that i'd come so far and to then realize.. i've only taken a couple of steps and am sooo very close to sliding back in to what i was.. well, it's like a punch to the gut of my psyche.

4.50 miles in 32 minutes

level of sociability...

If i spend a lot of time alone:
I become extremely antisocial. I don't engage in unnecessary conversations, if I do, i'm extremely sarcastic, usually, humorous enough that people don't take it the wrong way. I'm easily pissed off, extremely argumentative, I can and do pick fights with people or just make them feel bad about trivial shit, that may not really bother me at all. (the hurt creature, lashing out and yet, she invites all of that hurt in..) it's meant to harm people, in real ways. Just because those ways may not be physical, doesn't mean they're not harmful.
(I tend not to like myself very much, when i'm like ^that^)

If I spend a lot of time with friends and loved ones:
I am extremely efficient, quick witted and kind. I smile a lot. I hold doors open. I say please and thank you and I'm sorry. I enjoy people for what they are, mysteries, puzzles, each one blessedly unique, but similar enough to invoke emotions from my own experiences, to ultimately share bonds and love. I believe in miracles. I have faith in humanity. I have hope.
(I love ^that^)

I have learned and shall share a secret of life with you young padawan, should you choose to learn yourself, is not up to me.

The lovely and shameful thing about life, the uncomfortable truth is; it is what you make it. The universe may give you gifts of people or things, of love and loss. But it is up to you, how you treat what you are given. Good or bad, your treatment of it, will determine how you feel.. About yourself, about others and life in general.

There are times when I am that sadistic antisocial asshole. I don't like it, however, I have found that it comes around less and less, the more I embrace that it is simply, part of who I am.

When I remember to allow that.
I take a deep breath....................................
I let it out in a long sigh......................................
I have found my oasis in the chaos.
I am a dot, on the world.

day 70

2.25 miles today

that's right, over 2 miles.. no rest for the wicked. maybe i should re-do that saying. no rest for the righteous.

i was kind of pissed off when i sat down on ol' El Diablo and cranked up Foo Fighters. i wasn't mad at myself, which is new. and i'm not mad anymore, which is new as well. i tend to dwell on shit a lot. the bike ride kind of drained the irritation right out of me.

this leads me to believe that i'm allowing myself to heal and to change.

i'm still thinking about 3 Wishes.. i told a second friend about it. she had the same reaction as the first person i told. i need to write this. maybe it will help people. i would be thankful if it did. even if it only helps ME, it is still worth writing. that's my new goal.. for the mental side of things. write that out.