day 106

a kid (he was in his twenties) yelled at me yesterday, to smile.. he was at the opposite window from me at Dutch Bros. he had been trying to get my attention for a couple of minutes before he yelled, i know, because i spotted him out of the corner of my eye, making silly faces, in an attempt to get my attention. i'm normally pretty easily amused, lately, i've been in a pissy mood. finally he shouted at me: "smile, damn it!" i didn't.. i flipped him off. he laughed. i drove away, i didn't make it out of the parking lot, before i started crying.

i thought to myself: i must actually look miserable, if some random guy is trying to get me to smile.

i thought i'd moved beyond that sort of thing. i've worked pretty  hard over the last 7 months to become who i want to be. i realize, this is all a work in progress.. it will be, till the day i leave this planet. but to think, that i'd come so far and to then realize.. i've only taken a couple of steps and am sooo very close to sliding back in to what i was.. well, it's like a punch to the gut of my psyche.

4.50 miles in 32 minutes

level of sociability...

If i spend a lot of time alone:
I become extremely antisocial. I don't engage in unnecessary conversations, if I do, i'm extremely sarcastic, usually, humorous enough that people don't take it the wrong way. I'm easily pissed off, extremely argumentative, I can and do pick fights with people or just make them feel bad about trivial shit, that may not really bother me at all. (the hurt creature, lashing out and yet, she invites all of that hurt in..) it's meant to harm people, in real ways. Just because those ways may not be physical, doesn't mean they're not harmful.
(I tend not to like myself very much, when i'm like ^that^)

If I spend a lot of time with friends and loved ones:
I am extremely efficient, quick witted and kind. I smile a lot. I hold doors open. I say please and thank you and I'm sorry. I enjoy people for what they are, mysteries, puzzles, each one blessedly unique, but similar enough to invoke emotions from my own experiences, to ultimately share bonds and love. I believe in miracles. I have faith in humanity. I have hope.
(I love ^that^)

I have learned and shall share a secret of life with you young padawan, should you choose to learn yourself, is not up to me.

The lovely and shameful thing about life, the uncomfortable truth is; it is what you make it. The universe may give you gifts of people or things, of love and loss. But it is up to you, how you treat what you are given. Good or bad, your treatment of it, will determine how you feel.. About yourself, about others and life in general.

There are times when I am that sadistic antisocial asshole. I don't like it, however, I have found that it comes around less and less, the more I embrace that it is simply, part of who I am.

When I remember to allow that.
I take a deep breath....................................
I let it out in a long sigh......................................
I have found my oasis in the chaos.
I am a dot, on the world.

day 11

i have no way of explaining how i feel at this very moment.


i just walked 1/8 of a mile.. half, my usual distance. i walked most of that with a cramp in my left calf.. sobbing, sweating, then shivering.. finally accepting defeat. i'm not the marathon runner who will limp to the finish line, oh no.. my pussy ass gives up... heads home.. and to commiserate that failure. i proceed to inhale TWO Jell-O Mousse Temptations (chocolate mint variety) for a grand total of 120 worthless calories. not because i had a craving. but because i had a leg cramp and felt like a failure for giving up halfway.

i feel a kind of AH-HA moment has happened just now. i read that back and thought omg. story of my life. i give up. i celebrate that giving up by making the problem worse.

and on the other hand.. i feel like a double failure for having mowed 2 Jell-O snacks instead of just one or a nice glass of water (which is why i likely have a leg cramp to begin with. no. i'm pouting. i went grocery shopping after work and bought those stupid mousse things. why? because deep down. i knew i'd want one after my walk.

i could have handled this situation differently. and by writing THAT fact out.. i now have a reminder for myself. that i do this.. sabotage. on a pretty regular basis.

a more productive response would have been "shit." calmly walked home (even if only doing half distance) stretching the whole way (lunges? even) where upon arriving.. drink a few glasses of water.. taken some ibuprofen.. perhaps.. continued to stretch offending muscle.. then re-try walk in 15 minutes. or, even if not at all. don't beat self up about it. hey. i walked. not as much, but you're going to have shitty days. even if they aren't emotionally shitty (like they usually are) sometimes, you don't drink as much water.. forget to take your supplements . iron.. calcium.. (you KNOW these things help fight leg cramps) this isn't a beat up.. this is a reminder. (this is your mother, TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!!) yeah, so, you ate 2 snacks.. it was 120 calories, it wasn't a bag of potato chips.. it wasn't a snickers bar (both well over 3x the calories ... you chose the lesser of evils in this case, good job.)

this isn't a justification. this is me. not beating my ass up about it.

blogs are good.

day 3

i like that i don't have to come up with a catchy headline every day. =)

walk done: 1/8 of a mile. will start adding distance soon.


3 days in.. so i've got mixed feelings about it now, i'm kind of dreading it as the evening wears on, but then, i like the way i feel after i get in and rest for about 10 minutes. as in, right now, as i'm writing this, i feel pretty good. i have problems with swelling in my legs and ankles (aka cankles) i look forward to that going away. i know it will eventually.

we ran a news story tonight about a Brownsville man that lost over 200 pounds. that's pretty awesome.