.4 mile walked
(rather, marched, Rammstein will do that to you)
i appreciate my friends and the support that i get. over the past couple of weeks, it has been amazing and i doubt it will lighten up. i've encouraged everyone that wants to help and offer advice to do so. i'm all about the help this time around. the other attempts at this (there have been a few) i've thought, this is a battle that i have to fight on my own. and in a way. that is true. no one can DO it for me. but they can help. yes, they can. they can offer a kind word or a word of "get your ass out there Sarah" and all of it helps, all of it. because i know the people that care about me enough to tell me to get my ass out there, WANT me to succeed. an after effect of this project (just a little over 2 weeks in) has been inspiring to others. YAY!
i'm not one of those people that will take on the persona that i'm an expert now that i'm doing it.. uh, no. hardly. every day is a struggle. even though, most days, i do look forward to my walks. it's still a struggle with the pain and just plain feeling up to it. every day, i've got to remind myself. (like i said yesterday)
i've got to start working on my diet. it's not terrible at this point, but it's not what it could and should be. i'm doing this work, i need to make my efforts more productive, by adding healthy eating into the mix.
baby steps.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
day 16
.4 mile done
i've got this goal see.. to not be so fat anymore.
i have to remind myself of that, every time i walk.
every time i don't want to walk.
that this is why i am doing this. so i'm not so fat.
i don't think this goal is exceptionally remarkable. half of what i weigh now. that's not a modest number either.. half of what i weigh right now (or the last time i stepped on a scale), would be 240. 240 pounds is the size of a very large man. the majority of the women i know weight less than 150... i have no illusions of myself getting that small, unless i get very very sick or there is absolutely nothing to eat. in other words.. not by choice. that's right, i said it. i don't WANT to be that little.
i want to be comfortable.
hey. i didn't want to go on a walk tonight. but i did. i did it. (yay) i need to stop skipping that once a week, it just makes getting started again more difficult. people keep telling me it's OK to skip a day and have a rest. i just don't think that's a good idea right now. i think i can allow myself a day if i'm ill or super uncomfortable. but if there is no reason for me to not walk, i should be walking.
i am started on week 3. week 3. wow. i'm starting to allow myself to feel a little pride on this.
i've got this goal see.. to not be so fat anymore.
i have to remind myself of that, every time i walk.
every time i don't want to walk.
that this is why i am doing this. so i'm not so fat.
i don't think this goal is exceptionally remarkable. half of what i weigh now. that's not a modest number either.. half of what i weigh right now (or the last time i stepped on a scale), would be 240. 240 pounds is the size of a very large man. the majority of the women i know weight less than 150... i have no illusions of myself getting that small, unless i get very very sick or there is absolutely nothing to eat. in other words.. not by choice. that's right, i said it. i don't WANT to be that little.
i want to be comfortable.
hey. i didn't want to go on a walk tonight. but i did. i did it. (yay) i need to stop skipping that once a week, it just makes getting started again more difficult. people keep telling me it's OK to skip a day and have a rest. i just don't think that's a good idea right now. i think i can allow myself a day if i'm ill or super uncomfortable. but if there is no reason for me to not walk, i should be walking.
i am started on week 3. week 3. wow. i'm starting to allow myself to feel a little pride on this.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
day 15
.4 mile done
i can no longer refer to it as 1/4 of a mile, that would be cheating myself.
today was pretty awful. it ended relatively well, but it started out shitty. i just wanted to go back to sleep. so i did, for another hour. it was one of those days, that i could have slept most of away. my depressive side kicking in. i don't know how to put it in to words. i always say that. then i manage, somehow. i'm better at writing things here, for people to read. than i am speaking to people. i don't think i come off as articulate at all in person. i can't tell a story or a joke, not really. i can entertain people, but it's merely a load of randomness, flying out of my mouth. observations.. smart ass comments. i mostly end up feeling guilty when i do. a lot of times, it's hurtful. and i think people have actually come to expect that mean-spirited humor from me. i've done it so long. this shit doesn't shut off. no wonder i'm alone.
there is a huge difference between being lonely and desperate. loneliness can lead to desperation.. but it doesn't automatically start there (i guess it does for some people)
i realized the other day. my first love happened when i was 21.. i gave that lovely Shaun everything i was. i couldn't imagine life without him. on an August morning in 2001, it ended. and i mean that quite literally. life stopped for me. i was crippled. wretched. and i stayed that way. i'm still kind of that way. i haven't been able or i haven't let myself fall again. i didn't love my ex-husband. not really. sure, i said "i love you" i was just going through the motions. i fixed him. he's a capable person now (thanks to me) yes, i mean that. he was living with his parents, going absolutely nowhere. why the hell i thought that was a good idea, i'll never know. i made Josh grow up. i suppose my being a "strong and capable" person had a lot to do with it. i think it's more like this. i'm a terrible bitch. he worshiped me. i let him. i was this glorious cunt. he did anything and everything i said. (most of the time) the thing about it is. i'm not into that. i'm not into the boot-licking, suck-ups.. i don't like people to pay compliments at every turn. they are EARNED. and if they're just thrown about, they are meaningless. that's how the "i'm sorry" started feeling. nothing felt genuine.. because nothing was. i turned into someone i didn't even know or like. there was so much disgust for myself. he never expected anything from me. how can you not expect things from a partner?
(it's over, calm down..)
a good conversation. someone capable. not easily intimidated. patient.
i just want something real.
i can no longer refer to it as 1/4 of a mile, that would be cheating myself.
today was pretty awful. it ended relatively well, but it started out shitty. i just wanted to go back to sleep. so i did, for another hour. it was one of those days, that i could have slept most of away. my depressive side kicking in. i don't know how to put it in to words. i always say that. then i manage, somehow. i'm better at writing things here, for people to read. than i am speaking to people. i don't think i come off as articulate at all in person. i can't tell a story or a joke, not really. i can entertain people, but it's merely a load of randomness, flying out of my mouth. observations.. smart ass comments. i mostly end up feeling guilty when i do. a lot of times, it's hurtful. and i think people have actually come to expect that mean-spirited humor from me. i've done it so long. this shit doesn't shut off. no wonder i'm alone.
there is a huge difference between being lonely and desperate. loneliness can lead to desperation.. but it doesn't automatically start there (i guess it does for some people)
i realized the other day. my first love happened when i was 21.. i gave that lovely Shaun everything i was. i couldn't imagine life without him. on an August morning in 2001, it ended. and i mean that quite literally. life stopped for me. i was crippled. wretched. and i stayed that way. i'm still kind of that way. i haven't been able or i haven't let myself fall again. i didn't love my ex-husband. not really. sure, i said "i love you" i was just going through the motions. i fixed him. he's a capable person now (thanks to me) yes, i mean that. he was living with his parents, going absolutely nowhere. why the hell i thought that was a good idea, i'll never know. i made Josh grow up. i suppose my being a "strong and capable" person had a lot to do with it. i think it's more like this. i'm a terrible bitch. he worshiped me. i let him. i was this glorious cunt. he did anything and everything i said. (most of the time) the thing about it is. i'm not into that. i'm not into the boot-licking, suck-ups.. i don't like people to pay compliments at every turn. they are EARNED. and if they're just thrown about, they are meaningless. that's how the "i'm sorry" started feeling. nothing felt genuine.. because nothing was. i turned into someone i didn't even know or like. there was so much disgust for myself. he never expected anything from me. how can you not expect things from a partner?
(it's over, calm down..)
a good conversation. someone capable. not easily intimidated. patient.
i just want something real.
Friday, February 4, 2011
day 14
i've actually been walking .4 mile or 643.7376 meters. there are 1609.344 meters in a mile..
i got curious and mapped it out on Google maps. it felt like a quarter mile track. but.. turns out, i've been walking a little further than i thought. yay.
it's damn late and i'm damn tired.
i got curious and mapped it out on Google maps. it felt like a quarter mile track. but.. turns out, i've been walking a little further than i thought. yay.
it's damn late and i'm damn tired.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
day 13
1/4 mile done.
i didn't even go in the house first. i just parked the car and walked. other than the nagging hip pain, it was good. one of these days, this pain is going to lighten up.
again with the makeup thing.. yeah, i'm not done beating this dead horse..
i have a theory
after making a comment that compliments from specific people gave me the willies. a friend of mine tried to justify said creep's compliment by saying something like this: "well, you don't usually wear makeup.. and it does look good on you." i was a complete ass. i said "yeah, i get that... blah blah" instead of saying thanks for the compliment. because i'm not quite sure if it's a compliment or not. i ended up sounding like a bit of an asshole "you're attractive" - "yeah, i know" type of thing. ICK.
what i meant by it, even though i failed miserably.. was this.
yeah, i get that people think i'm more attractive WITH the makeup. what i don't get is the WHY. why is this a standard for beauty? why is goop around my eyeballs attractive? (i understand that it isn't attractive to everyone, but we'll go with a lot (if not majority) for numbers.)
i've come up with a couple of theories on why this is.. now that i have you here.. reading this. i'll give em to you.
1st theory. and not my favorite. the lie that it represents. this is how good i could look. if my skin weren't blotchy and my eyelashes were actually black. if my lips were permanently tinged darker pink..
2nd theory. i like this one, because i like thinking about sex.
the made-up female face represents the female body.
the eyes pop.. stand out.. get your attention.. like tits.
the cheeks.. round.. rosy.. so pretty to look at.. like a bottom.
the lips. moist and pink. do i really need to say it?
what do you think? yes, i'd like your opinion. you can tell me i'm full of shite. preoccupied with sex (you'd be right) or.. whatever. it's a topic that i find fascinating.
i didn't even go in the house first. i just parked the car and walked. other than the nagging hip pain, it was good. one of these days, this pain is going to lighten up.
again with the makeup thing.. yeah, i'm not done beating this dead horse..
i have a theory
after making a comment that compliments from specific people gave me the willies. a friend of mine tried to justify said creep's compliment by saying something like this: "well, you don't usually wear makeup.. and it does look good on you." i was a complete ass. i said "yeah, i get that... blah blah" instead of saying thanks for the compliment. because i'm not quite sure if it's a compliment or not. i ended up sounding like a bit of an asshole "you're attractive" - "yeah, i know" type of thing. ICK.
what i meant by it, even though i failed miserably.. was this.
yeah, i get that people think i'm more attractive WITH the makeup. what i don't get is the WHY. why is this a standard for beauty? why is goop around my eyeballs attractive? (i understand that it isn't attractive to everyone, but we'll go with a lot (if not majority) for numbers.)
i've come up with a couple of theories on why this is.. now that i have you here.. reading this. i'll give em to you.
1st theory. and not my favorite. the lie that it represents. this is how good i could look. if my skin weren't blotchy and my eyelashes were actually black. if my lips were permanently tinged darker pink..
2nd theory. i like this one, because i like thinking about sex.
the made-up female face represents the female body.
the eyes pop.. stand out.. get your attention.. like tits.
the cheeks.. round.. rosy.. so pretty to look at.. like a bottom.
the lips. moist and pink. do i really need to say it?
what do you think? yes, i'd like your opinion. you can tell me i'm full of shite. preoccupied with sex (you'd be right) or.. whatever. it's a topic that i find fascinating.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
day 12
i'm pretty sure this is me. dying.
i just walked 1/4 mile.
and i'm feeling every pound. no. every ounce that i weigh. i feel heavy. i feel impossibly fucking heavy. my filter fell off Kim!! how the hell did i ever think that i felt good? that i am comfortable. the last 10 years minimum, i have hurt. physically. every.damn.day. EVERY DAY! and yet somehow, i tricked my mind into thinking that i feel all right. that (for the longest time, i maintained this: i am fat, but healthy. there's nothing wrong with this)
yes THERE IS YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER! you HURT!! what part of that is RIGHT?!?!
the somewhat (secret) sadomasochist thinks it's all right. there is a not so very small side to me that likes hurting and inflicting hurt. if I do this to MYSELF, then no one else can do worse!!! right?!?! if i'm my own worst enemy, my very own torturer.. then what's the big deal? there is no one else to fear.
this is why, the honest truth why, walking at night doesn't scare me. i am, unapologetically, the biggest badass i know. (to myself) i'm not kidding. i am the meanest person (to myself) that i know.
i'd mentioned earlier that i don't know any "shady motherfuckers" well, here i am. i'm about as shady and underhanded (to myself) as they come. i sabotage my own efforts. i lie to myself. i make myself think that i feel good (although, right now, i could use a little of that mind control back, please, i'd like to feel good right now and BE WALKING MORE you bitch!) in a way.. isn't that another form of sabotage? my mind uncovering that filter (Kim) so that i can see how much this hurts.. a bit more motivation. :*(
i think i could do without that kind of motivation. i've been that sadomasochist for too long.
i'm ranting now. i am ranting. i'm a lunatic.
i even started out slow tonight.. thought i'd add some more distance. nope. it was just a slow 1/4. a slow. painful one. but i got it in, nonetheless.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
day 11
i have no way of explaining how i feel at this very moment.
i just walked 1/8 of a mile.. half, my usual distance. i walked most of that with a cramp in my left calf.. sobbing, sweating, then shivering.. finally accepting defeat. i'm not the marathon runner who will limp to the finish line, oh no.. my pussy ass gives up... heads home.. and to commiserate that failure. i proceed to inhale TWO Jell-O Mousse Temptations (chocolate mint variety) for a grand total of 120 worthless calories. not because i had a craving. but because i had a leg cramp and felt like a failure for giving up halfway.
i feel a kind of AH-HA moment has happened just now. i read that back and thought omg. story of my life. i give up. i celebrate that giving up by making the problem worse.
and on the other hand.. i feel like a double failure for having mowed 2 Jell-O snacks instead of just one or a nice glass of water (which is why i likely have a leg cramp to begin with. no. i'm pouting. i went grocery shopping after work and bought those stupid mousse things. why? because deep down. i knew i'd want one after my walk.
i could have handled this situation differently. and by writing THAT fact out.. i now have a reminder for myself. that i do this.. sabotage. on a pretty regular basis.
a more productive response would have been "shit." calmly walked home (even if only doing half distance) stretching the whole way (lunges? even) where upon arriving.. drink a few glasses of water.. taken some ibuprofen.. perhaps.. continued to stretch offending muscle.. then re-try walk in 15 minutes. or, even if not at all. don't beat self up about it. hey. i walked. not as much, but you're going to have shitty days. even if they aren't emotionally shitty (like they usually are) sometimes, you don't drink as much water.. forget to take your supplements . iron.. calcium.. (you KNOW these things help fight leg cramps) this isn't a beat up.. this is a reminder. (this is your mother, TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!!) yeah, so, you ate 2 snacks.. it was 120 calories, it wasn't a bag of potato chips.. it wasn't a snickers bar (both well over 3x the calories ... you chose the lesser of evils in this case, good job.)
this isn't a justification. this is me. not beating my ass up about it.
blogs are good.
i just walked 1/8 of a mile.. half, my usual distance. i walked most of that with a cramp in my left calf.. sobbing, sweating, then shivering.. finally accepting defeat. i'm not the marathon runner who will limp to the finish line, oh no.. my pussy ass gives up... heads home.. and to commiserate that failure. i proceed to inhale TWO Jell-O Mousse Temptations (chocolate mint variety) for a grand total of 120 worthless calories. not because i had a craving. but because i had a leg cramp and felt like a failure for giving up halfway.
i feel a kind of AH-HA moment has happened just now. i read that back and thought omg. story of my life. i give up. i celebrate that giving up by making the problem worse.
and on the other hand.. i feel like a double failure for having mowed 2 Jell-O snacks instead of just one or a nice glass of water (which is why i likely have a leg cramp to begin with. no. i'm pouting. i went grocery shopping after work and bought those stupid mousse things. why? because deep down. i knew i'd want one after my walk.
i could have handled this situation differently. and by writing THAT fact out.. i now have a reminder for myself. that i do this.. sabotage. on a pretty regular basis.
a more productive response would have been "shit." calmly walked home (even if only doing half distance) stretching the whole way (lunges? even) where upon arriving.. drink a few glasses of water.. taken some ibuprofen.. perhaps.. continued to stretch offending muscle.. then re-try walk in 15 minutes. or, even if not at all. don't beat self up about it. hey. i walked. not as much, but you're going to have shitty days. even if they aren't emotionally shitty (like they usually are) sometimes, you don't drink as much water.. forget to take your supplements . iron.. calcium.. (you KNOW these things help fight leg cramps) this isn't a beat up.. this is a reminder. (this is your mother, TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!!) yeah, so, you ate 2 snacks.. it was 120 calories, it wasn't a bag of potato chips.. it wasn't a snickers bar (both well over 3x the calories ... you chose the lesser of evils in this case, good job.)
this isn't a justification. this is me. not beating my ass up about it.
blogs are good.
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