Sunday, July 31, 2011

day 108

‎4.72 miles in 30 minutes

good stuff today, i feel pretty good.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

day 107

walked 1.5 miles.. yes.. i WALKED

not as good as el diablo.. seriously, no kick.

Friday, July 29, 2011

day 106

a kid (he was in his twenties) yelled at me yesterday, to smile.. he was at the opposite window from me at Dutch Bros. he had been trying to get my attention for a couple of minutes before he yelled, i know, because i spotted him out of the corner of my eye, making silly faces, in an attempt to get my attention. i'm normally pretty easily amused, lately, i've been in a pissy mood. finally he shouted at me: "smile, damn it!" i didn't.. i flipped him off. he laughed. i drove away, i didn't make it out of the parking lot, before i started crying.

i thought to myself: i must actually look miserable, if some random guy is trying to get me to smile.

i thought i'd moved beyond that sort of thing. i've worked pretty  hard over the last 7 months to become who i want to be. i realize, this is all a work in progress.. it will be, till the day i leave this planet. but to think, that i'd come so far and to then realize.. i've only taken a couple of steps and am sooo very close to sliding back in to what i was.. well, it's like a punch to the gut of my psyche.

4.50 miles in 32 minutes

level of sociability...

If i spend a lot of time alone:
I become extremely antisocial. I don't engage in unnecessary conversations, if I do, i'm extremely sarcastic, usually, humorous enough that people don't take it the wrong way. I'm easily pissed off, extremely argumentative, I can and do pick fights with people or just make them feel bad about trivial shit, that may not really bother me at all. (the hurt creature, lashing out and yet, she invites all of that hurt in..) it's meant to harm people, in real ways. Just because those ways may not be physical, doesn't mean they're not harmful.
(I tend not to like myself very much, when i'm like ^that^)

If I spend a lot of time with friends and loved ones:
I am extremely efficient, quick witted and kind. I smile a lot. I hold doors open. I say please and thank you and I'm sorry. I enjoy people for what they are, mysteries, puzzles, each one blessedly unique, but similar enough to invoke emotions from my own experiences, to ultimately share bonds and love. I believe in miracles. I have faith in humanity. I have hope.
(I love ^that^)

I have learned and shall share a secret of life with you young padawan, should you choose to learn yourself, is not up to me.

The lovely and shameful thing about life, the uncomfortable truth is; it is what you make it. The universe may give you gifts of people or things, of love and loss. But it is up to you, how you treat what you are given. Good or bad, your treatment of it, will determine how you feel.. About yourself, about others and life in general.

There are times when I am that sadistic antisocial asshole. I don't like it, however, I have found that it comes around less and less, the more I embrace that it is simply, part of who I am.

When I remember to allow that.
I take a deep breath....................................
I let it out in a long sigh......................................
I have found my oasis in the chaos.
I am a dot, on the world.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

day 105

‎4.65 miles in 35 minutes

i weigh in today with the doctor, i suspect that i've been hovering again.. that's what the scale indicated on Saturday.

to say that i've been distracted lately, is an understatement.

the plus side, i've been writing again. i haven't been writing anything inspirational or anything related to what i'm doing here.. oh, no, this is complete fantasy writing. oh well. i'll take whatever amount of creative yum yums i get.

i learned that i'm not ready to love someone. once i let go of the guilt of not being able to do something that, really, i want to do.. i'm on the up-side of getting my head right again. if it's meant to be, it will happen. no point in worrying it to death and no point in backing away from the task at hand because of it.

no one is that important?


it's not that. it's just that i've not been a priority to myself, ever. and now i am.
going to keep it that way too, until i learn how to integrate someone in.

Friday, July 22, 2011

day 102

2.04 miles in 15 minutes

well, after a few days of being a lazy fuck. i got back on and didn't go very far.

i've been in a fucked mood for the last.. oh.. month.

Monday, July 18, 2011

day 101

3.62 miles in 26 minutes

i'm trying to view what i've been given, right now, as an oportunity for adventure. to actually fucking live my life. because there is nothing tying me to this place, other than a paycheck. i can go anywhere and be anything i want. that is so fucking exciting. and scary, but mostly exciting.

i promised myself, when i met the 100 day mark, that i would get a tattoo.

i need to finish designing the chest piece i want to have done. it's just what it means, finishing it and getting it and allowing the healing to take place. tattoos for me, mean something.

my mom's cancer ribbon.

my reminder to breathe, because i'm fucking uptight as hell.

the dragonflies on my back with the reminder to allow love, strength and courage to be part of my life. i forget that one, because it's on my back and i don't see it all the time. but it's true, i need to allow love. i need to allow strength, my own, as well as others that so gallantly provide me with strength through their friendship, loyalty and love. i need to allow courage, because i am afraid. it's ok to let others be brave for me and to love me. and it's courageous to love and to feel new things.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

day 98

‎2.28 miles in 17 minutes

life is pretty confusing right now. i'm going into detox. i have no idea what that means, nothing chemical. just.. i need some time.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

day 96

‎3.25 miles in 24 minutes

i'm starting to feel less claustrophobic. i don't know if it is because i am physically shrinking / taking up less space or if it is something else.. perhaps, i am making more room in my head.

i feel like i'm getting out of that well-worn groove of self-deprecation and into something more comfortable and suitable for me, myself and i..

Saturday, July 9, 2011