Monday, February 28, 2011

day 33

2.1 miles today

the road is my therapist, my sneakers the couch. 
through my sweat and pain, i find clarity.

today is a good day

Sunday, February 27, 2011

day 32

.7 of a mile today

that's all i had in me. i will walk again (tonight) but it will be after midnight by that time and it will be day 33.. another day.. another post.. another mile walked.

i wrote some stuff... and i meant some stuff. no one knows who or what i'm talking about most days, so i don't suppose it matters and i'm not ashamed or embarrassed of what i wrote. it's not a case of "oh, Sarah's drunk again.. what will she write to embarrass herself.."

i need to work on sentence structure, grammar and punctuation. my writing is sad and i know that it bothers more than a few people that i don't capitalize anything. (as it should, it's not proper)

back to the stuff, i'm writing it here, because i think it's worth saying/writing again:

blame the alcohol. i think you've got to figure out if i'm worth the risk of potentially humiliating yourself for. i might say "what the fuck?" or worse, you don't know, because you don't know me. (i'm not like that) and i can say with all sincerity and with a pretty humble opinion, that yes, i am worth the risk.

i say humble, because it's true. as i write that, as i think it..
there's a nasty little voice, hissing at me "you're not good enough for anyone."

yes, i am. (i whisper)

"no one wants you."


Friday, February 25, 2011

day 31

1.4 miles walked

it seems that when i write a post, that gets me going (and apparently other people too) that i go into a dry spell. i can't seem to write something great each day.

then i think, that's not entirely true. it's just the stuff that i feel comfortable writing down. maybe i can only open myself up so much at a time.. i don't know who reads this. i know the people that comment and the people that always like it, due to progress or whatever. but i'm weird that way, i don't know who i'm being vulnerable with or even if i am being vulnerable. it's only the truth. which is ugly sometimes and sometimes hurts. even if it's not intended to. so do we buffer the truth, shine it up, make it pretty.. so it goes down easier.. do we coat that truth with lies? to ease it in.. lies are like lubricant.

i made a friend. she gave me the truth. i believe her, she didn't pretty it up for me at all and i admire the hell out of her for it. thanks Velvet. if it weren't for you, i wouldn't know. and i'd still be wondering what and why. i don't regret wondering what or why, because it led me on a path. i wouldn't have met who i met and loved who i loved if i wouldn't have had that drive to make things right between me and who ever that was i knew way back when. i'm not sure i knew him now. not sure at all. but that doesn't matter.

life is lived in the journey, not the destination.

the destination is death, isn't it?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

day 30

1.4 miles walked

it feels like spring, even with the snow on the ground.

here i am 30 days in. part of me cannot believe that i've kept it up this long and part of me feels like i'm not doing enough. i get stressed at the idea of missing one of my walks. with every step that i take, i am closer, to something.

i realized. i am doing this, so that someone will like me. this someone is important to me. they haven't been in the past. in the past i've treated this person like garbage. i've abused this person. i've punished them. i've hated them. emotionally, physically, mentally... i've done everything i can, to tear them down and now, it's time to rebuild my relationship. with myself. i love you Sarah. if i met you on the street and had tea with you, i'd listen intently, because you have deep, profound, intelligent things to say. you're genuine. you're thoughtful. you love deeply and intensely. you are so worth this effort i am putting forth to save you. 

and it's about time.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

day 29

1.4 miles walked

today has been a weird day.

my psyche may be splitting like an amoeba.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

day 28

.7 miles walked (so far)
*update* 1.4 miles walked Tuesday

it's nearing the end of February and my goal of walking 1 mile per day, is somewhat complete. i've been splitting the distance, walking my regular .7 of a mile, twice a day. i find this more attainable at this point in time. and i'm still going with the philosophy that it's more important that i'm doing it, rather than when.

i'm almost at the 30 day mark. i'm starting to notice (and so are others) that my face is getting thinner. i've also noticed changes in other parts of my body and major improvements in flexibility.

i knew i wouldn't get this far along and think oh jesus, this hasn't been worth it.

it's just been GETTING here. (think mindset)

i feel like i'm accomplishing something and i'm proud of myself.

i'm letting me be proud of me. that's a big step.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

day 27

.7 of a mile

I certainly put it off and put it off.. Usually, about halfway through or so.. I realize that the walk turns into putting one foot in front of the other. It stops being: "this is good, this feels good" and starts being: "ugh, get it over with, this is uncomfortable"

I missed Saturday. Can I make up for it by walking twice on Sunday? (one down, one to go)

update - walked 1.4 miles total on Sunday =)

Friday, February 18, 2011

day 26

.7 of a mile walked... just under the wire baby.

i didn't walk last night after work, due to an early morning... but.. i just got back from my walk.. my ears are freezing.. my eyes are watering.. and my legs feel a bit better, i was in the car a lot today. boo.

on my walk this evening.. i wore a Nike Fit Dry jacket.. a 3x. yeah, i know, that's big, but it ACTUALLY fits me now. it's still a wee snug around the hips, but.. it's getting there. and i thought.. if i had been following a healthier eating plan.. it would fit even better at this point. =(

my mom had surgery today. and i ate so much comfort food that i feel sick. the last 3 days, have been comfort eating. i need to stop. this is ridiculous.

good news though. the surgery fixed her heart (it was broken) and she is all better now. she cried because her heart hasn't felt "normal" for a long time. now it does.

Saturday's walk will likely take place in the day time.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

day 25

.7 of a mile

there comes a point, when a person has to realize: too much damage has been done. and at that point of realization, walk away from a given situation/friend/loved one and call it quits. no one likes to quit. no one. it doesn't feel great. 

i reached that point with someone on Wednesday. and i kind of lost it (not really, how does a person "blow up" via text message?) if you have ever had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of my temper (when i finally and actually do blow up.. well, it's scary) i'm a relatively tolerant person or i try to be. i also try to be forgiving. you know, turn the other cheek and shit.. 

i tried to re-acquaint with someone who really did me wrong (in the past and not just me, a number of people but i can only speak for myself in this instance.) and Wednesday, it just turned to shit and i realized that i shouldn't be bothering with this person. so.. i'm not anymore.

to be fair. i used something unrelated to fuel my "pissed off" fire and just kind of went off from there. the underlying issue is (as i realized) that i hadn't forgiven him for what he did. funny enough, as soon as i wrecked his day (as he put it) i felt better and i'm not pissed off at him anymore. i don't want to be friends with him either, but i'm not mad about it anymore. i guess it was the closure of getting it out there. 

i know that he never read this, but it was for him:

BOOM! and yes, you had it coming. I was your FRIEND and I loved you, you left me! it's not like I was someone you fucked and kinda loved! we were FRIENDS and you LEFT!! I didn't even get to say goodbye. so yeah, I exploded, take it. it's owed and yes, I'm sorry. and yes, I'm done now. I know you've probably "unfriended" me. but then, I think you did THAT a long time ago.

and at that point, i kind of wanted him to "forgive" me. for what, i have no cunting clue. i didn't do shit wrong. if he sincerely wanted to help me "get over this" like he said he did. he'd take this shit and say, yeah, OK. but instead, he ran away... (i have a strange sense of déjà vu)

fast forward through a day of emotional eating...... 

i realized: 
i don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't really remember being a complete fucking shit to me and is "sorry, but it was a long time ago." 

over it. 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

day 24

on a day that i really didn't feel like walking.. and i ended up putting it off until later.

i walked .7 mile

that's the furthest distance i've walked all at one time. although, i feel like i more or less meandered. the homeward stretch felt like slow-mo. story of my life. it always feels like i'm moving in slow-motion, while the world just whizzes past. it's like one of those nightmares.. when you can never run fast enough and something is after you. does anyone else have that nightmare?

over-thinking, over-analyzing.. separate the body from the mind.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

day 23

.6 of a mile walked

i'm wet. and not in a good way.

i would have walked more. i could have walked more..
but i was soaked through and the wind was starting to get cold, so.. i headed in.

the logical answer to this, rain gear. yes.. well, until they make reasonably affordable rain gear in my size, i will do without. i'm not cutting a hole in a fucking garbage bag. i grew up poor. i know all about white trash rain gear. i'm going to find an umbrella or something equally cumbersome to walk with for tomorrow. i may have a water resistant jacket (circa 2000 floating around in some box, somewhere) i will put it on and pretend i'm David Dunn.. every time i put on a rain coat.. i think of that movie..

i keep putting off improvements to my diet.

Monday, February 14, 2011

day 22

.4 mile walked

I didn't walk as far as I had been. I'm still trying to recoup from the day of food poisoning or whatever the hell hit me Saturday. Amazing how easy it is to get knocked down. I slept most of the day Saturday and quite a few hours into Sunday.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

day 21

walked .8 of a mile today..

i woke up this morning.. before the alarm and walked before my shower. it just felt right. it set the mood for the day for me (which wasn't terrible)

i just got done walking again, it was a half/half deal. i think i can feasibly make my 1 mile per day goal this way. i'd prefer doing it all at once, but right now going the .6 is pushing it with my pain threshold.

i went out with some friends from work tonight. i had 1 beer and then proceeded to turn into a fucking nuclear reactor. i have no clue why. but i was standing there, talking to people and dripping sweat. i didn't feel bad. i didn't feel faint. i was just sweating. it was pretty embarrassing.

when i closed my tab.. a man (i'm guessing) in his 40's.. so drunk that he was swaying. decided to introduce himself. informed me that he'd "seen me there a couple times before" to which i raised my lovely pierced eyebrows and nodded with a simple "hmm" he told me his name.. which i promptly forgot. shook my hand and launched into a story about what a nice guy he apparently is. i smiled, signed the slip and turned away. rude? perhaps. i doubt he'll remember.

long day. time for bed.

Friday, February 11, 2011

day 20

.6 of a mile walked

man.. so i decided yesterday, to bump up my distance.. truth be told, after i walked that, my hips were killing me. i got swagger beotches.. it's disguised as a waddle... i'll be strutting soon.

i walked a longer distance, because the just shy of 1/2 a mile wasn't cutting it. it was too easy for me (except after my days off - which i have decided to quit taking from here on) i felt like i was just warming up. so, i added that extra bit, not a lot mind.. and boom. square 1.. well, not quite that terrible.. but still pretty ouch on the joint pain.

i was thinking: i can't go backwards. i can't. that wouldn't be productive. i've got to stick this out and make it work. it will get easier. i can't go backwards. i can't regress. i can't let up. 

now, i'm thinking: i can go forward. i can progress. i can.

i want to make 1 mile per day by March 1st. i have to add distance at some point.

so, why was i thinking i can't?

why do i ever think i can't*?

the answer to this question is both, very complex and very simple. i have set limits for myself. those limits are ridiculously low and high (both) my chances for failure, due to both of these extremes is very high.

why do i do this?
i am a dedicated masochist and i am an avid sadist.

not so secretly, i want to fail. because it hurts and deep down, i'm kind of afraid to be happy. because in being happy. excuses are really eliminated. you can't whine. because everything is fluid.. everything is changeable. (i hate that i just put it that way.. i know a guy (that acted in a not-so respectable way) he used to say that and attach the word "babe" to it, to be extra condescending. he was an excellent teacher. but the lessons were always so bitter and painful. it taught me a lot about myself though. i wouldn't know that i'm a sadomasochist if i wouldn't have known him. it goes beyond the safe kinky sadomasochism though. i hurt myself for reals and that isn't good. (mentally, physically, emotionally) it's not healthy to do what i do and i've learned what i'm up to and slowly. surely.. i'm making changes to stop. (i'm still going to get more tattoos and maybe 2 more things pierced, because i seriously want my nipples pierced) 

i'm going to let lovely relationships with people blossom, as they deserve to do.

i'm going to let my friends love me. help me. support me.

i'm going to let myself heal from the emotional wounds and trauma that i've suffered over and over again throughout my life.

Brian cannot hurt me anymore.

i'm grown. i am strong. i am courageous.

Donald cannot manipulate the love i felt for him.

i am free. i am beautiful.

*(there are, of course, situations, where i can't is a perfectly acceptable answer, i.e., i can't breathe under water. i can't fly like a bird. and then, there are the situations, where you can, but morally and legally, you damn well know better.)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

day 19

.6 mile walked

i walked just a little over 1/2 mile tonight =) i earned that smiley face!! dang it.

i'm working up to 1 mile. i have a goal to be walking 1 mile a day by the end of February.

i really REALLY want to walk for my sister Jenifer on April 16th. (something i didn't think i would be able to do when she was diagnosed and her husband set all this up. that goal is do-able now) she was diagnosed with Multiple-Sclerosis in 2010 and her husband Joel has really gone gung-ho with the fundraising for the cause (he's pretty damn awesome anyway, all this just doubles his awesome-ness)

i'm going to pimp it a bit right now. if you'd like to sponsor a distance for me or however this works, i'd honestly appreciate it. (not only the help for the MS foundation, but for the challenge!!) seeing my sis go through treatment has been rough. she's a strong lady and i really admire the heck out of her. she's always been active and fit and has taken care of herself. she's an avid hunter/hiker/outdoors-woman. now.. she's all of that (still) and she deals with the physical afflictions of M.S.

the least i can do, is get my ass out there and walk for her.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

day 18

.4 mile walked

you probably don't realize how much you take for granted that if you rip your jeans, you can go to (store x) and pick up a new pair. they may not be designer or exactly like the ones you ripped.. but.. they cover your ass. i have to order mine from a catalog. a catalog for fat people. it takes up to 2 weeks to get them. so if i rip a pair of jeans and i'm out and about somewhere, i'm pretty much screwed.

bonus: i am now back into the smaller sized jeans.

walking works.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

day 17

.4 mile walked

(rather, marched, Rammstein will do that to you)

i appreciate my friends and the support that i get. over the past couple of weeks, it has been amazing and i doubt it will lighten up. i've encouraged everyone that wants to help and offer advice to do so. i'm all about the help this time around. the other attempts at this (there have been a few) i've thought, this is a battle that i have to fight on my own. and in a way. that is true. no one can DO it for me. but they can help. yes, they can. they can offer a kind word or a word of "get your ass out there Sarah" and all of it helps, all of it. because i know the people that care about me enough to tell me to get my ass out there, WANT me to succeed. an after effect of this project (just a little over 2 weeks in) has been inspiring to others. YAY!

i'm not one of those people that will take on the persona that i'm an expert now that i'm doing it.. uh, no. hardly. every day is a struggle. even though, most days, i do look forward to my walks. it's still a struggle with the pain and just plain feeling up to it. every day, i've got to remind myself. (like i said yesterday)

i've got to start working on my diet. it's not terrible at this point, but it's not what it could and should be. i'm doing this work, i need to make my efforts more productive, by adding healthy eating into the mix.

baby steps.

Monday, February 7, 2011

day 16

.4 mile done

i've got this goal see.. to not be so fat anymore.

i have to remind myself of that, every time i walk.
every time i don't want to walk.

that this is why i am doing this. so i'm not so fat.

i don't think this goal is exceptionally remarkable. half of what i weigh now. that's not a modest number either.. half of what i weigh right now (or the last time i stepped on a scale), would be 240. 240 pounds is the size of a very large man. the majority of the women i know weight less than 150... i have no illusions of myself getting that small, unless i get very very sick or there is absolutely nothing to eat. in other words.. not by choice. that's right, i said it. i don't WANT to be that little.

i want to be comfortable.

hey. i didn't want to go on a walk tonight. but i did. i did it. (yay) i need to stop skipping that once a week, it just makes getting started again more difficult. people keep telling me it's OK to skip a day and have a rest. i just don't think that's a good idea right now. i think i can allow myself a day if i'm ill or super uncomfortable. but if there is no reason for me to not walk, i should be walking.

i am started on week 3. week 3. wow. i'm starting to allow myself to feel a little pride on this.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

day 15

.4 mile done
i can no longer refer to it as 1/4 of a mile, that would be cheating myself.

today was pretty awful. it ended relatively well, but it started out shitty. i just wanted to go back to sleep. so i did, for another hour. it was one of those days, that i could have slept most of away. my depressive side kicking in. i don't know how to put it in to words. i always say that. then i manage, somehow. i'm better at writing things here, for people to read. than i am speaking to people. i don't think i come off as articulate at all in person. i can't tell a story or a joke, not really. i can entertain people, but it's merely a load of randomness, flying out of my mouth. observations.. smart ass comments. i mostly end up feeling guilty when i do. a lot of times, it's hurtful. and i think people have actually come to expect that mean-spirited humor from me. i've done it so long. this shit doesn't shut off. no wonder i'm alone.

there is a huge difference between being lonely and desperate. loneliness can lead to desperation.. but it doesn't automatically start there (i guess it does for some people)

i realized the other day. my first love happened when i was 21.. i gave that lovely Shaun everything i was. i couldn't imagine life without him. on an August morning in 2001, it ended. and i mean that quite literally. life stopped for me. i was crippled. wretched. and i stayed that way. i'm still kind of that way. i haven't been able or i haven't let myself fall again. i didn't love my ex-husband. not really. sure, i said "i love you" i was just going through the motions. i fixed him. he's a capable person now (thanks to me) yes, i mean that. he was living with his parents, going absolutely nowhere. why the hell i thought that was a good idea, i'll never know. i made Josh grow up. i suppose my being a "strong and capable" person had a lot to do with it. i think it's more like this. i'm a terrible bitch. he worshiped me. i let him. i was this glorious cunt. he did anything and everything i said. (most of the time) the thing about it is. i'm not into that. i'm not into the boot-licking, suck-ups.. i don't like people to pay compliments at every turn. they are EARNED. and if they're just thrown about, they are meaningless. that's how the "i'm sorry" started feeling. nothing felt genuine.. because nothing was. i turned into someone i didn't even know or like. there was so much disgust for myself. he never expected anything from me. how can you not expect things from a partner?

(it's over, calm down..)

a good conversation. someone capable. not easily intimidated. patient.

i just want something real.

Friday, February 4, 2011

day 14

i've actually been walking .4 mile or 643.7376 meters. there are 1609.344 meters in a mile..

i got curious and mapped it out on Google maps. it felt like a quarter mile track. but.. turns out, i've been walking a little further than i thought. yay.

it's damn late and i'm damn tired.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

day 13

1/4 mile done. 

i didn't even go in the house first. i just parked the car and walked. other than the nagging hip pain, it was good. one of these days, this pain is going to lighten up.

again with the makeup thing.. yeah, i'm not done beating this dead horse..
i have a theory

after making a comment that compliments from specific people gave me the willies. a friend of mine tried to justify said creep's compliment by saying something like this: "well, you don't usually wear makeup.. and it does look good on you." i was a complete ass. i said "yeah, i get that... blah blah" instead of saying thanks for the compliment. because i'm not quite sure if it's a compliment or not. i ended up sounding like a bit of an asshole "you're attractive" - "yeah, i know" type of thing. ICK.

what i meant by it, even though i failed miserably.. was this.

yeah, i get that people think i'm more attractive WITH the makeup. what i don't get is the WHY. why is this a standard for beauty? why is goop around my eyeballs attractive? (i understand that it isn't attractive to everyone, but we'll go with a lot (if not majority) for numbers.)

i've come up with a couple of theories on why this is.. now that i have you here.. reading this. i'll give em to you.

1st theory. and not my favorite. the lie that it represents. this is how good i could look. if my skin weren't blotchy and my eyelashes were actually black. if my lips were permanently tinged darker pink..

2nd theory. i like this one, because i like thinking about sex.
the made-up female face represents the female body.
the eyes pop.. stand out.. get your attention.. like tits.
the cheeks.. round.. rosy.. so pretty to look at.. like a bottom.
the lips. moist and pink. do i really need to say it?

what do you think? yes, i'd like your opinion. you can tell me i'm full of shite. preoccupied with sex (you'd be right) or.. whatever. it's a topic that i find fascinating.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

day 12

i'm pretty sure this is me. dying.

i just walked 1/4 mile.

and i'm feeling every pound. no. every ounce that i weigh. i feel heavy. i feel impossibly fucking heavy. my filter fell off Kim!! how the hell did i ever think that i felt good? that i am comfortable. the last 10 years minimum, i have hurt. physically. EVERY DAY! and yet somehow, i tricked my mind into thinking that i feel all right. that (for the longest time, i maintained this: i am fat, but healthy. there's nothing wrong with this)

yes THERE IS YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER! you HURT!! what part of that is RIGHT?!?!

the somewhat (secret) sadomasochist thinks it's all right. there is a not so very small side to me that likes hurting and inflicting hurt. if I do this to MYSELF, then no one else can do worse!!! right?!?! if i'm my own worst enemy, my very own torturer.. then what's the big deal? there is no one else to fear.

this is why, the honest truth why, walking at night doesn't scare me. i am, unapologetically, the biggest badass i know. (to myself) i'm not kidding. i am the meanest person (to myself) that i know.

i'd mentioned earlier that i don't know any "shady motherfuckers" well, here i am. i'm about as shady and underhanded (to myself) as they come. i sabotage my own efforts. i lie to myself. i make myself think that i feel good (although, right now, i could use a little of that mind control back, please, i'd like to feel good right now and BE WALKING MORE you bitch!) in a way.. isn't that another form of sabotage? my mind uncovering that filter (Kim) so that i can see how much this hurts.. a bit more motivation. :*( 

i think i could do without that kind of motivation. i've been that sadomasochist for too long.

i'm ranting now. i am ranting. i'm a lunatic.

i even started out slow tonight.. thought i'd add some more distance. nope. it was just a slow 1/4. a slow. painful one. but i got it in, nonetheless. 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

day 11

i have no way of explaining how i feel at this very moment.

i just walked 1/8 of a mile.. half, my usual distance. i walked most of that with a cramp in my left calf.. sobbing, sweating, then shivering.. finally accepting defeat. i'm not the marathon runner who will limp to the finish line, oh no.. my pussy ass gives up... heads home.. and to commiserate that failure. i proceed to inhale TWO Jell-O Mousse Temptations (chocolate mint variety) for a grand total of 120 worthless calories. not because i had a craving. but because i had a leg cramp and felt like a failure for giving up halfway.

i feel a kind of AH-HA moment has happened just now. i read that back and thought omg. story of my life. i give up. i celebrate that giving up by making the problem worse.

and on the other hand.. i feel like a double failure for having mowed 2 Jell-O snacks instead of just one or a nice glass of water (which is why i likely have a leg cramp to begin with. no. i'm pouting. i went grocery shopping after work and bought those stupid mousse things. why? because deep down. i knew i'd want one after my walk.

i could have handled this situation differently. and by writing THAT fact out.. i now have a reminder for myself. that i do this.. sabotage. on a pretty regular basis.

a more productive response would have been "shit." calmly walked home (even if only doing half distance) stretching the whole way (lunges? even) where upon arriving.. drink a few glasses of water.. taken some ibuprofen.. perhaps.. continued to stretch offending muscle.. then re-try walk in 15 minutes. or, even if not at all. don't beat self up about it. hey. i walked. not as much, but you're going to have shitty days. even if they aren't emotionally shitty (like they usually are) sometimes, you don't drink as much water.. forget to take your supplements . iron.. calcium.. (you KNOW these things help fight leg cramps) this isn't a beat up.. this is a reminder. (this is your mother, TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!!) yeah, so, you ate 2 snacks.. it was 120 calories, it wasn't a bag of potato chips.. it wasn't a snickers bar (both well over 3x the calories ... you chose the lesser of evils in this case, good job.)

this isn't a justification. this is me. not beating my ass up about it.

blogs are good.