Monday, January 31, 2011

days 9 and 10

i'm combining this post....

Friday night, after a shitty day at work.. i went out.. had a couple of beers with some friends.. and laughed.. (this after i had had dinner with my sister Rachel and peed from laughing)

after said outings. i walked my usual 1/4 mile.

Saturday.. i walked in the sand at Lincoln City. i didn't walk as far as i usually do.. but.. it was sand. sand sucks. hopefully, at some point, sand won't suck so much.

Friday, January 28, 2011

day 8

2 days away from double digits. YES!

1/4 mile done

i found myself thinking about my walk, on and off all day today. i went to see my mom on dinner break and i kind of wanted to ask her to walk around the park with me, but i didn't. i think her knee was bothering her anyway. my legs hurt, from the hips down. i do a lot of sitting at work. i look forward to the walk, because it gets the circulation going in my legs and they feel better. even if the grinding that my joints take doesn't feel exceptionally good, i know that will improve as weight goes away. where does it go anyway? does it evaporate? do you pee it out? what's up with that? i never have understood the concept of where it goes exactly, it's got to GO somewhere, doesn't it? it's not like e-mail, it doesn't just vanish when you delete it.

tonight a co-worker of mine (that wasn't aware of what i'm up to at night) asked me what i had planned, since i was in kind of a rush to get out. i told him that i'm walking at night. his first words "at night?! i hope you're walking with a dog or carrying pepper spray!!"

let me address this issue.. i'm weird this way, but i honestly believe our way of thinking brings stuff about. i know that you cannot control the actions of others, but i think if you're sending out that vibe, that you expect bad shit to happen.. well, it's going to find you. THAT said.. statistically, you are more likely to get attacked by someone you KNOW than a complete stranger. i don't know a lot of shady mother fuckers. actually.. i don't think i know any. a few creeps, maybe.. but people that are all bad ass violent? eh.. i did at one point, i've disassociated myself from him (years ago) and he doesn't know where i am.

if i truly felt in fear for my well-being. i wouldn't be doing this. OR i'd be packing heat. (not just a knife and a big flashlight)

the short of it. everyone that knows me and of this project, knows where i live. everyone that knows me through facebook and this project, doesn't know where i live (other than Eugene and in the burbs) that could be a lot of places in Eugene.. good luck.

i think that staying inactive and fat is more of a danger to my health than walking after midnight.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

day 7

1/4 mile jaunt.. done! 

it's official, i've been at this a week. and when i started, just 7 short days ago, at 1/8 of a mile, i struggled, i ached at the end of it. i had to lay down in bed. my freakin' ovaries hurt, how is that even possible? tonight.. i walked my 1/4 of a mile, i'm sweating a bit, but i feel pretty good.

do you ever think you're over something/someone and then have a dream about it? or them...? i don't understand if this is my brain telling me that i still think about him too often or if i still want him, even though he told me, he's not interested.. flat out, no side discussion. i thought i had dealt with this months ago, when this all happened. i had to abandon the friendship for a while, because it just hurt too much to look at him. this was my fault, i am not blaming him for not wanting a romance. that's his thing. even now, when i think about it. i get this crushing feeling in my chest and a sting in my eyes. i guess that tells me, right there.. that i'm not over it. and when i dream about him, he loves me.

for the first time ever, i know, without a doubt, it has/had nothing at all to do with my weight or the way i look.

this blog is not going to be about that. i just had to get it out, i guess.

my mom always loved to sing this to me, when i was a kid.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

day 6

1/4 mile walked. soon, i will be walking 1 mile a day.

i've almost hit the 1 week mark of walking.. if i hadn't skipped a day. (i promised myself i wouldn't cry) i'm joking. i'm not crying. sweating, yes. amazing that it's 37 degrees out and i can still manage a healthy sheen. i'm like an overweight horse, because FYI, porcine don't sweat. (that's pig for you laymen out there)

yeah, the social experiment that so many have been unwittingly a part of.. (sorry) i've been wearing cosmetics over the past, month or so, on a (mostly) daily basis. i wanted to try this for a couple of reasons.

1.) i wanted to see if i felt differently about myself.

2.) i wanted to see if others reacted to me differently.

i believe i feel differently about myself, because others react to me differently. i get complimented. this, of course, boosts the ego/self-esteem, because no matter how "different" we consider ourselves, we are still, at our base, social creatures. to hear others say nice things about our appearance, (work performance or intelligence) has a positive effect or is it affect? on how we feel.

i still feel a touch ridiculous "dolling" myself up every day.
it's a pain in the ass, because it takes me an extra 30 minutes to get ready to go anywhere.

i am forced to wash my face twice a day, as opposed to once and my complexion has improved because of it.
compliments are nice.
men with whom i interact on a semi-regular basis look at me differently.
(i haven't determined if this is because they like what they see or if they think i look ridiculous.)

so there you go, you unwitting participants.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

day 5

1/4 mile walk - this is apparently my new distance.

you know what's frustrating, the fact that i think i have my shit together and i feel centered and focused and good about myself and what i'm doing and then.. it's like i'm in a silent room and i can hear this really thin piece of glass break, it's an emotional thread, a bit of sanity and when it goes.. i mourn it's passing. there went another piece of me, for whatever reason why. i just can't put my finger on it. all of the stress and shit that i thought i let go and pass just comes slamming into me like a brick wall and i feel insignificant and there's a figure looming over me, telling me i'm not good enough, i have no business being happy, trying to make myself better. i have no business being here. in the land of the living. the cool kids table of life. i don't belong. i think there's a gremlin in there.. throwing wrenches in the cogs of my brain.

i have no idea where i'm going with this. life is such a mixed bag of emotions.

does anyone know how to let go?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

day 4

i missed walking Saturday. blame the headache and emotional break down that i had at work. i'm not going to beat myself up about it, nor am i going to say "fuck it" i already fucked it up.. i might as well quit. no.

i just got back from 1/4 mile walk =)

i feel pretty good, my right hip is constantly griping at me. it will get better. my head still hurts. i decided that my body deserved "fresh" air. i don't know how fresh it is...

the beautiful thing about living in the burbs is this: ticky tacky houses, very close, so if someone is going to attack you, there are lots of people to hear you scream. the bad thing about living in the burbs: zombies. that's right, i said it. and no matter how much you tell me zombies are fictitious and cannot harm me, i'm still paranoid. i have zombie nightmares on a constant basis. my eldest sister looked it up and sent me a message with something to the effect of, if you dream about zombies (i.e. being a zombie) your life is too boring and you need to mix it up. i sent a message back saying "ha! i wish! i'm never the zombie, they are trying to GET ME!" i have woken up screaming from zombie dreams. my weapon of choice is always a shotgun and i never have more than 4 shells for it. yes, 4. i count them. why 4? i own a shotgun in real life, so i thought maybe, if i bought a couple of boxes of shells that that part of the dream would go away. it didn't. still only get the 4. and let's not even talk about the .22 rifle. yes i'm a good shot, but the whole zombie concept is to have their head separated from the body.. anyone who has ever target practiced with a two-two knows, that ain't happening. i'm considering purchasing a baseball bat or possibly a machete.

now you all know how utterly and ridiculously paranoid i am. not about my well-being when i'm out walking after midnight.. oh no.. i'm worried about the shit that doesn't even really happen.

i may go for another walk. it's early.

Friday, January 21, 2011

day 3

i like that i don't have to come up with a catchy headline every day. =)

walk done: 1/8 of a mile. will start adding distance soon.

3 days in.. so i've got mixed feelings about it now, i'm kind of dreading it as the evening wears on, but then, i like the way i feel after i get in and rest for about 10 minutes. as in, right now, as i'm writing this, i feel pretty good. i have problems with swelling in my legs and ankles (aka cankles) i look forward to that going away. i know it will eventually.

we ran a news story tonight about a Brownsville man that lost over 200 pounds. that's pretty awesome.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

day 2

writing some of this pre-walk. i will publish it post-walk though, because i want to include what i've done and i don't want to post more than once a day...

hitting rock bottom or as i like to call it becoming self-aware.

2010, for me, was all about hitting (what i hope) was/is rock bottom, because i'm still there and i'm working on crawling the hell out of that hole! (it's always darkest before the dawn) i'm starting to become self-aware. sure, there are reasons that i've let myself get this big.. it's kind of like the elephant in the room, so to speak, i'm not referring to my fat ass either. it's just so sneaky. you don't wake up one day and BOOM! you're clinically obese.. (i don't like that term, from now on, i'm just going to use the word fat.) but in a way, the little bits i've gained over the years, it's so sneaky getting on there.

i will share my childhood sexual abuse story in the future.

on the flip side of that. i don't look at myself often. i think everyone should. just get naked and look at yourself in a full length mirror at least once a week and see what your body is up to. the amazing thing? i didn't really realize that i had gotten quite so huge. i saw myself on a television monitor at work and thought to myself, sweet fucking jesus, so this is why people stare at me when i go out. so yeah, hitting rock bottom has a little something to do with, (not vanity) the OH MY GOD factor finally kicking in.

i think a lot of us see ourselves differently, based on how we feel most days. i hurt. a lot. so most days, i assume that i look like hell and i do. hey, i've got a pretty face, but that's about all i've got going for me (physically) at this point. i have a realistic image for my body (post weight loss). i know i will be saggy, but damn it, i'm going to feel better.

tomorrow i will talk about how 2009/2010 were the years i hit rock bottom and why they sucked. you'd think it was 2008 and the A-Fib attack, but, you'd be wrong, that was just the beginning of the shit-storm.

walk done: 1/8 of a mile, it was easier than yesterday. 

and whatever you do, don't tell me i should be walking in the morning, because i will argue with you. i don't care how much scientific evidence is available to show that it's more effective. i won't do it, i know myself and you're be missing the whole point of this. it's more important that i'm DOING it, than what time of day i choose to do it.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

day 1

i am sarah. i am 5'10" and weigh well over 400 pounds. i say well over, because the last time i was weighed, i weighed 480. it's difficult finding a scale, outside of a center that specializes in treating, i believe the term for me is, clinically obese. i am not here to blame or bad mouth anyone, including myself. i am here to log a journey and find accountability for myself TO myself.

i work swing shift and am a night owl, so i've tailored a plan and goals for myself to be active and ultimately, more healthy.

my goal, right now (these will evolve over time) is to walk, after work, every night. walking for me, right now, is a painful experience. no human body is built to support this much weight and my skeletal structure is under a lot of pressure and strain.

i will add more back-story at some point and more of my personality will come through. because frankly, i'm a funny fucker.

however, the most important thing now, is that i'm doing this.

tonight, january 19th, i walked an 1/8 of a mile.