Thursday, June 23, 2011

day 88

3.11 miles in 24 minutes

yes! good time, great distance. i suspect that i'm going to have to go back to 7 days a week, as skipping the weekend didn't do me any favors. perhaps, i'll just make one of the days an easy day or whatever. still need to do it.

my official weight at the last weigh in, was 424 pounds. i was 450 pounds when i visited my doctor in April.. who knows, really, how much i weighed when i started this in January, but i'm guessing 480+ i was very unhealthy and in pain most of the time. although i still deal with a certain amount of pain, it's nothing compared to what it was 6 short months ago. my first walk was just a couple of blocks, when i was finished, my ovaries hurt. now i'm booking out at least 2 miles on a recumbent bicycle every day.

this is proof, every journey starts with a single step.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

day 87

‎2.70 miles 24 minutes

i don't know where my ooomph went for the 3 mile rides!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

day 86

‎2.56 miles in 22 minutes

had my official doctor weigh in today. i'm down another 12 pounds. 

i've lost 26 pounds in the last 2 months.

Friday, June 17, 2011

day 84

1.44 miles today - didn't take me long, but i'm not bothering to note the time.

today.. today, i feel like ranting about a whole bunch of $#@t! because that's exactly what it is.

for the last 3 weeks, when i have stepped on the scale, i haven't lost 1 pound. i lost the initial 6 after my official doctor weigh in last month and i have moved NO WHERE since. the reason this is extremely frustrating: i have worked my ASS off trying to lose and... NOTHING.

nihil. niks. asgjë. ništa. mitte midagi. ei mitään. rien. nada. არაფერი. nichts. कुछ नहीं. semmi. ekkert. tidak. rud ar bith. niente. tiada. xejn. ingenting. nimic. ничего. nič. kitu. ไม่มีอะไร. không. dim. גאָרנישט.

that's nothing.. in several different languages.

very irritated, i am.

and i would be more so, if it weren't for the fact that over the last 3 weeks, the "smaller" jeans that i have been wearing for this last month, keep getting baggier and baggier. so, i know my body is doing something.. but the scale says no.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

day 82

3.71 miles in 30:30

for the first time, in quite a while, i'm beginning to feel accomplished with my exercise goals. i had it when i was walking on a regular basis, lost it when my foot got hurt.. now, it's back. i am feeling extraordinary once more. i don't know whether i should or not, i'm still a long way away from my goal of getting to a weight that i feel really good at. i feel good about it right now, because i know if i keep this up, i'll get to that point.

i have actually, written out my essay.. i'm re-reading it, editing it, adding to it and generally fussing over it. not because i want it to be perfect before everyone reads it.. no. i want it to be perfect for me, because it contains very important parts of my life. it is quite literally a reflection of who i am. i want it to be read, sure. but i want to be able to read it and say to myself "yes, that was it, that's how i felt right then." i want to be able to say that when i read it a year from now. i want it to be topical, always. one may think that humans change so much over time, that we may view certain aspects of our lives differently as time progresses. well, yes and no. those things, however, are things that just were and i am quite happy that i can look at them almost objectively now, even though at the time, they were miserable. so i want to represent both the joy and frustration and now the peace that i feel in the piece.

maybe i ask too much. but if it's one thing that i've learned by doing this project. (walking after midnight) it is i tend to meet the expectations that i set for myself. i couldn't say that even 7 months ago.

i am the grueling task master and the obedient slave. i suffer this pain for myself.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

day 81

1.5 miles today

piss poor, i ran outta time. had a kid thing to attend with my nephew.

Monday, June 13, 2011

day 80

3 miles in 24 minutes

it felt pretty awesome getting to 4 miles yesterday. i shot for it today, foot pain won out. i still soared passed my 2 mile goal =) i'm good with 3 miles.

i want to keep it somewhat consistent, but still push myself to do more than i think i can.

if i don't push some, i won't know what i can do.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

day 79

4.08 miles in 34 minutes

i meant to write, but right now, it's lost on me.
it may be the nail polish fumes i've inhaled. i've gone with a nice lime green.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

day 75

2.49 miles on el diablo today

keep putting off writing that essay that i want to write. not quite sure where i want to go with it. should just write out what i have and let the rest come, if it does and if not, it's good too.

why do i have to be so ambitious/unambitious when it comes to writing? if i can't do it big, i don't want to do it.

that's a bunch o' crap.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

day 74

2.10 miles today
I think I've been pushing a little too hard for my next goal. My feet really ache at the end of it, even if I do feel accomplished, I think the wise choice would be to work up to it like I did for the 2 mile goal. I'll get there, I have no doubt, I was nearly there for the last two days. I have to remember that line and keep to it. I don't want to go backwards in healing where my feet are concerned. (I'm justifying this to myself, because I need to) not because anyone who reads these will judge me.

Thank you all for supporting me and cheering me on, it means a lot.

Monday, June 6, 2011

day 73

2.82 miles in 24 minutes

I pushed for that one (ugh)

I'm just so happy that I've gone over my goal for the last 3 days. (this is day 4!! of over 2 miles) Anything over 2 miles would be awesome, I'm closer to hitting my next goal, which is 3 miles a day. Perhaps my mind is just eager for my body to attain comfort. Ultimately, that's what this is about, looking better is a side effect, my true goal is to feel better.

I feel better already, I'm lighter now than I was when I went through pre-surgery weight loss for the bariatric program.

I guess I wasn't ready then. I'm never going to be ready to have part of my stomach removed. That won't heal me, that won't make me better. My mental and emotional health has never been better than it is right now. I'm learning new things about myself every day. I'm learning what my mind is capable of.

I'm forgiving myself and not just coping with what was done to me as a small child, I'm accepting that it happened and allowing myself the grace that it takes to heal from such an ordeal.

I'm starting to be OK with me. It's a great feeling.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

day 72

as she shouts, "to hell with 2!" and goes for 3 miles.

2.86 miles in 24 minutes

Saturday, June 4, 2011

day 71

2.41 MILES
and Dave sang:

is someone getting the best, the best, the best of you..?

yes. I am.

Friday, June 3, 2011

day 70

2.25 miles today

that's right, over 2 miles.. no rest for the wicked. maybe i should re-do that saying. no rest for the righteous.

i was kind of pissed off when i sat down on ol' El Diablo and cranked up Foo Fighters. i wasn't mad at myself, which is new. and i'm not mad anymore, which is new as well. i tend to dwell on shit a lot. the bike ride kind of drained the irritation right out of me.

this leads me to believe that i'm allowing myself to heal and to change.

i'm still thinking about 3 Wishes.. i told a second friend about it. she had the same reaction as the first person i told. i need to write this. maybe it will help people. i would be thankful if it did. even if it only helps ME, it is still worth writing. that's my new goal.. for the mental side of things. write that out.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

day 69

1.68 miles

Yesterday was a splurge day, as far as eating was concerned. I ate 2 VooDoo Donuts..... damn they're Mango Tangos.. Did you know that evil place is open 24 hours?

Today it's back to normal.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

day 68

1.71 miles today

I go and go until my feet start aching. It's not as bad as it is when I'm pounding pavement, but it still hurts like a bitch. The only answer to this equation is to get more weight off. I'm balancing on a fairly thin line now, between getting lighter and fucking up my feet to the point that it seriously hurts to walk at all. I hope each day that they will start feeling better, but they seemed to have reached a stalemate, no better, no worse.. they just bloody hurt. Trying to maintain or improve upon that state, gets so frustrating. I just don't know what to do about it anymore, other than keep to the path that I'm on.