Sunday, July 31, 2011

day 108

‎4.72 miles in 30 minutes

good stuff today, i feel pretty good.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

day 107

walked 1.5 miles.. yes.. i WALKED

not as good as el diablo.. seriously, no kick.

Friday, July 29, 2011

day 106

a kid (he was in his twenties) yelled at me yesterday, to smile.. he was at the opposite window from me at Dutch Bros. he had been trying to get my attention for a couple of minutes before he yelled, i know, because i spotted him out of the corner of my eye, making silly faces, in an attempt to get my attention. i'm normally pretty easily amused, lately, i've been in a pissy mood. finally he shouted at me: "smile, damn it!" i didn't.. i flipped him off. he laughed. i drove away, i didn't make it out of the parking lot, before i started crying.

i thought to myself: i must actually look miserable, if some random guy is trying to get me to smile.

i thought i'd moved beyond that sort of thing. i've worked pretty  hard over the last 7 months to become who i want to be. i realize, this is all a work in progress.. it will be, till the day i leave this planet. but to think, that i'd come so far and to then realize.. i've only taken a couple of steps and am sooo very close to sliding back in to what i was.. well, it's like a punch to the gut of my psyche.

4.50 miles in 32 minutes

level of sociability...

If i spend a lot of time alone:
I become extremely antisocial. I don't engage in unnecessary conversations, if I do, i'm extremely sarcastic, usually, humorous enough that people don't take it the wrong way. I'm easily pissed off, extremely argumentative, I can and do pick fights with people or just make them feel bad about trivial shit, that may not really bother me at all. (the hurt creature, lashing out and yet, she invites all of that hurt in..) it's meant to harm people, in real ways. Just because those ways may not be physical, doesn't mean they're not harmful.
(I tend not to like myself very much, when i'm like ^that^)

If I spend a lot of time with friends and loved ones:
I am extremely efficient, quick witted and kind. I smile a lot. I hold doors open. I say please and thank you and I'm sorry. I enjoy people for what they are, mysteries, puzzles, each one blessedly unique, but similar enough to invoke emotions from my own experiences, to ultimately share bonds and love. I believe in miracles. I have faith in humanity. I have hope.
(I love ^that^)

I have learned and shall share a secret of life with you young padawan, should you choose to learn yourself, is not up to me.

The lovely and shameful thing about life, the uncomfortable truth is; it is what you make it. The universe may give you gifts of people or things, of love and loss. But it is up to you, how you treat what you are given. Good or bad, your treatment of it, will determine how you feel.. About yourself, about others and life in general.

There are times when I am that sadistic antisocial asshole. I don't like it, however, I have found that it comes around less and less, the more I embrace that it is simply, part of who I am.

When I remember to allow that.
I take a deep breath....................................
I let it out in a long sigh......................................
I have found my oasis in the chaos.
I am a dot, on the world.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

day 105

‎4.65 miles in 35 minutes

i weigh in today with the doctor, i suspect that i've been hovering again.. that's what the scale indicated on Saturday.

to say that i've been distracted lately, is an understatement.

the plus side, i've been writing again. i haven't been writing anything inspirational or anything related to what i'm doing here.. oh, no, this is complete fantasy writing. oh well. i'll take whatever amount of creative yum yums i get.

i learned that i'm not ready to love someone. once i let go of the guilt of not being able to do something that, really, i want to do.. i'm on the up-side of getting my head right again. if it's meant to be, it will happen. no point in worrying it to death and no point in backing away from the task at hand because of it.

no one is that important?


it's not that. it's just that i've not been a priority to myself, ever. and now i am.
going to keep it that way too, until i learn how to integrate someone in.

Friday, July 22, 2011

day 102

2.04 miles in 15 minutes

well, after a few days of being a lazy fuck. i got back on and didn't go very far.

i've been in a fucked mood for the last.. oh.. month.

Monday, July 18, 2011

day 101

3.62 miles in 26 minutes

i'm trying to view what i've been given, right now, as an oportunity for adventure. to actually fucking live my life. because there is nothing tying me to this place, other than a paycheck. i can go anywhere and be anything i want. that is so fucking exciting. and scary, but mostly exciting.

i promised myself, when i met the 100 day mark, that i would get a tattoo.

i need to finish designing the chest piece i want to have done. it's just what it means, finishing it and getting it and allowing the healing to take place. tattoos for me, mean something.

my mom's cancer ribbon.

my reminder to breathe, because i'm fucking uptight as hell.

the dragonflies on my back with the reminder to allow love, strength and courage to be part of my life. i forget that one, because it's on my back and i don't see it all the time. but it's true, i need to allow love. i need to allow strength, my own, as well as others that so gallantly provide me with strength through their friendship, loyalty and love. i need to allow courage, because i am afraid. it's ok to let others be brave for me and to love me. and it's courageous to love and to feel new things.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

day 98

‎2.28 miles in 17 minutes

life is pretty confusing right now. i'm going into detox. i have no idea what that means, nothing chemical. just.. i need some time.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

day 96

‎3.25 miles in 24 minutes

i'm starting to feel less claustrophobic. i don't know if it is because i am physically shrinking / taking up less space or if it is something else.. perhaps, i am making more room in my head.

i feel like i'm getting out of that well-worn groove of self-deprecation and into something more comfortable and suitable for me, myself and i..

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Thursday, June 23, 2011

day 88

3.11 miles in 24 minutes

yes! good time, great distance. i suspect that i'm going to have to go back to 7 days a week, as skipping the weekend didn't do me any favors. perhaps, i'll just make one of the days an easy day or whatever. still need to do it.

my official weight at the last weigh in, was 424 pounds. i was 450 pounds when i visited my doctor in April.. who knows, really, how much i weighed when i started this in January, but i'm guessing 480+ i was very unhealthy and in pain most of the time. although i still deal with a certain amount of pain, it's nothing compared to what it was 6 short months ago. my first walk was just a couple of blocks, when i was finished, my ovaries hurt. now i'm booking out at least 2 miles on a recumbent bicycle every day.

this is proof, every journey starts with a single step.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

day 87

‎2.70 miles 24 minutes

i don't know where my ooomph went for the 3 mile rides!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

day 86

‎2.56 miles in 22 minutes

had my official doctor weigh in today. i'm down another 12 pounds. 

i've lost 26 pounds in the last 2 months.

Friday, June 17, 2011

day 84

1.44 miles today - didn't take me long, but i'm not bothering to note the time.

today.. today, i feel like ranting about a whole bunch of $#@t! because that's exactly what it is.

for the last 3 weeks, when i have stepped on the scale, i haven't lost 1 pound. i lost the initial 6 after my official doctor weigh in last month and i have moved NO WHERE since. the reason this is extremely frustrating: i have worked my ASS off trying to lose and... NOTHING.

nihil. niks. asgjë. ništa. mitte midagi. ei mitään. rien. nada. არაფერი. nichts. कुछ नहीं. semmi. ekkert. tidak. rud ar bith. niente. tiada. xejn. ingenting. nimic. ничего. nič. kitu. ไม่มีอะไร. không. dim. גאָרנישט.

that's nothing.. in several different languages.

very irritated, i am.

and i would be more so, if it weren't for the fact that over the last 3 weeks, the "smaller" jeans that i have been wearing for this last month, keep getting baggier and baggier. so, i know my body is doing something.. but the scale says no.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

day 82

3.71 miles in 30:30

for the first time, in quite a while, i'm beginning to feel accomplished with my exercise goals. i had it when i was walking on a regular basis, lost it when my foot got hurt.. now, it's back. i am feeling extraordinary once more. i don't know whether i should or not, i'm still a long way away from my goal of getting to a weight that i feel really good at. i feel good about it right now, because i know if i keep this up, i'll get to that point.

i have actually, written out my essay.. i'm re-reading it, editing it, adding to it and generally fussing over it. not because i want it to be perfect before everyone reads it.. no. i want it to be perfect for me, because it contains very important parts of my life. it is quite literally a reflection of who i am. i want it to be read, sure. but i want to be able to read it and say to myself "yes, that was it, that's how i felt right then." i want to be able to say that when i read it a year from now. i want it to be topical, always. one may think that humans change so much over time, that we may view certain aspects of our lives differently as time progresses. well, yes and no. those things, however, are things that just were and i am quite happy that i can look at them almost objectively now, even though at the time, they were miserable. so i want to represent both the joy and frustration and now the peace that i feel in the piece.

maybe i ask too much. but if it's one thing that i've learned by doing this project. (walking after midnight) it is i tend to meet the expectations that i set for myself. i couldn't say that even 7 months ago.

i am the grueling task master and the obedient slave. i suffer this pain for myself.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

day 81

1.5 miles today

piss poor, i ran outta time. had a kid thing to attend with my nephew.

Monday, June 13, 2011

day 80

3 miles in 24 minutes

it felt pretty awesome getting to 4 miles yesterday. i shot for it today, foot pain won out. i still soared passed my 2 mile goal =) i'm good with 3 miles.

i want to keep it somewhat consistent, but still push myself to do more than i think i can.

if i don't push some, i won't know what i can do.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

day 79

4.08 miles in 34 minutes

i meant to write, but right now, it's lost on me.
it may be the nail polish fumes i've inhaled. i've gone with a nice lime green.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

day 75

2.49 miles on el diablo today

keep putting off writing that essay that i want to write. not quite sure where i want to go with it. should just write out what i have and let the rest come, if it does and if not, it's good too.

why do i have to be so ambitious/unambitious when it comes to writing? if i can't do it big, i don't want to do it.

that's a bunch o' crap.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

day 74

2.10 miles today
I think I've been pushing a little too hard for my next goal. My feet really ache at the end of it, even if I do feel accomplished, I think the wise choice would be to work up to it like I did for the 2 mile goal. I'll get there, I have no doubt, I was nearly there for the last two days. I have to remember that line and keep to it. I don't want to go backwards in healing where my feet are concerned. (I'm justifying this to myself, because I need to) not because anyone who reads these will judge me.

Thank you all for supporting me and cheering me on, it means a lot.

Monday, June 6, 2011

day 73

2.82 miles in 24 minutes

I pushed for that one (ugh)

I'm just so happy that I've gone over my goal for the last 3 days. (this is day 4!! of over 2 miles) Anything over 2 miles would be awesome, I'm closer to hitting my next goal, which is 3 miles a day. Perhaps my mind is just eager for my body to attain comfort. Ultimately, that's what this is about, looking better is a side effect, my true goal is to feel better.

I feel better already, I'm lighter now than I was when I went through pre-surgery weight loss for the bariatric program.

I guess I wasn't ready then. I'm never going to be ready to have part of my stomach removed. That won't heal me, that won't make me better. My mental and emotional health has never been better than it is right now. I'm learning new things about myself every day. I'm learning what my mind is capable of.

I'm forgiving myself and not just coping with what was done to me as a small child, I'm accepting that it happened and allowing myself the grace that it takes to heal from such an ordeal.

I'm starting to be OK with me. It's a great feeling.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

day 72

as she shouts, "to hell with 2!" and goes for 3 miles.

2.86 miles in 24 minutes

Saturday, June 4, 2011

day 71

2.41 MILES
and Dave sang:

is someone getting the best, the best, the best of you..?

yes. I am.

Friday, June 3, 2011

day 70

2.25 miles today

that's right, over 2 miles.. no rest for the wicked. maybe i should re-do that saying. no rest for the righteous.

i was kind of pissed off when i sat down on ol' El Diablo and cranked up Foo Fighters. i wasn't mad at myself, which is new. and i'm not mad anymore, which is new as well. i tend to dwell on shit a lot. the bike ride kind of drained the irritation right out of me.

this leads me to believe that i'm allowing myself to heal and to change.

i'm still thinking about 3 Wishes.. i told a second friend about it. she had the same reaction as the first person i told. i need to write this. maybe it will help people. i would be thankful if it did. even if it only helps ME, it is still worth writing. that's my new goal.. for the mental side of things. write that out.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

day 69

1.68 miles

Yesterday was a splurge day, as far as eating was concerned. I ate 2 VooDoo Donuts..... damn they're Mango Tangos.. Did you know that evil place is open 24 hours?

Today it's back to normal.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

day 68

1.71 miles today

I go and go until my feet start aching. It's not as bad as it is when I'm pounding pavement, but it still hurts like a bitch. The only answer to this equation is to get more weight off. I'm balancing on a fairly thin line now, between getting lighter and fucking up my feet to the point that it seriously hurts to walk at all. I hope each day that they will start feeling better, but they seemed to have reached a stalemate, no better, no worse.. they just bloody hurt. Trying to maintain or improve upon that state, gets so frustrating. I just don't know what to do about it anymore, other than keep to the path that I'm on.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

day 67

1.84 milesfunny, peculiar and fascinating - how that, if every day, I give it all I have, the next day, I'm capable of just a little more.

I love the fact that I'm amazed at myself, proud of what I'm doing and letting myself feel good.

3 Wishes: the title of an essay that I'm working on. I'd like to think that it will blow your mind, but I know better, it may make YOU feel something good though.

Peace be with you all.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

day 66

not only do I feel like utter SHIT today (thank you mother nature for giving me a uterus) I managed to get my highest distance yet on El Diablo Machine.

1.78 miles. 2 miles, so close that if it sneezed, I would feel the spray. and I would say: "nasty ass, cover your mouth and bless you."

Saturday, May 28, 2011

day 65

1.57 miles
you've got to keep breathing

just breathe

that's something I've had to REALLY focus on during cardio.. it's not traditionally been a thing with me, cardio.. duh, like ya'll can't tell.. bitches don't get this fat, if they dig the cardio. with me, I've got to focus on something, other than the creaking in my joints.. normally, it's been the music, lately, it's been just breathing. deep and steady. which is a lot more difficult than I thought it should be. resisting the urge to pant like a dog (because it's exhausting to pant), slow, lung fulls.

the biggest reason I have "breathe" tattooed on my arm, I forget to and I forget how. (not on a primal level) however, I do find myself holding my breath at times.

a huge doucher, who, I'm learning through catching up (mentally and emotionally) with, isn't really a doucher at all.. used to tell me (all the damn time) just breathe Sarah. my comeback was usually, "I am, fuck you" he's now a person I wish I wouldn't have cut out of my life. he would have been a great asset as a friend.. he knew that too. chalk it up to psycho human stuff, I.just.couldn't. he'll just be someone I think about sometimes and continue to learn from. (doucher)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

day 64

.44 of a mile when I got home and 1.45 miles, when I got up.

I can't even do 2 miles in 2 chunks!! Bah!! Whatever.

I'm edging closer to 100.. I do believe I will get to 2 miles before then.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

day 63

1.43 miles today.
It was all I had, sometimes that's how it goes. Icy Hot will be applied to my left ankle before I leave for work. Damn thing has hurt the last 2 days. It needs to get the hell over itself.

Sorry, I'm at a stage where if I "rest" or "take it easy" anymore, I'm going to go bat shit crazy, I'm doing this for sanity's sake.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

day 62

1.46 miles today
I had to dig deep for that one. The mind won out today, my body didn't want to.

Closer to that goal of 2 miles.
Doing - feels good. Accomplishing - feels even better.

Monday, May 23, 2011

day 61

1.37 miles on el diablo machine

I am beginning to really enjoy the sweat when it drips down my face and neck. It feels cleansing, I'm sweating out my self-imposed inadequacies. I'm succeeding, just by having it flow down my face like tears. I feel euphoric.. I felt this when I walked, it's good to have that back.

I'm getting closer to my 2 mile goal. =)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

day 60

1.18 miles on the bike... working for 2 miles (that's my target for now)

I'm shaking.

I've been kind of in a "state" for the last couple of days. It's been a place where I've not wanted to go. Funny how the places we don't want to go (within ourselves) are the exact places we should be visiting more often. It has been bitter. But I learned something. I am capable of feeling something for men (not speaking friends) other than contempt and lusty abandon (which later turns sour).

I am capable of feeling the joys of love. I haven't felt the glimmer of that possibility in a very long time. I'm also not at all ready to GO there with someone.

Yay growth.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

day 59

1.17 miles on the dreaded bike. Improving!!

so the official doctor weigh in was accurate to my scales. I'm down 14 pounds. =) Dr Perez hugged me and told me that he is very proud of me, he's been my doctor for 10 years. (he's seen stuff)

I was kinda bummed that I didn't lose more, but hey, for the lion's share of that time, I wasn't exercising (I was exorcising personal demons) which is important.

I may feel kind of "out of it" today, but I feel better for having said what needed saying and having a sympathetic ear hear it. Some things I won't admit to myself, unless I'm telling someone else about it.

Friends are good.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

day 58

1 mile on the bike today..
I hope to be upping distance soon. Have to go back to where I was when I started and reassure myself, it's the fact that I'm DOING this that matters. The rest will come, if it takes a little more time than I want it to, that's just how it is.

I see my Doctor tomorrow @ 2pm for my official weigh in, but according to my scales (as of Monday), I've lost 14 pounds.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

day 57

1.04 miles

amazing that it took me under 10 minutes. the calories burned readout: 67............. you're kidding me right? here I am dripping with sweat and I burned (less than) the calorie content of a boiled chicken egg. holy #*@!

I am undaunted, I'll be back on the devil machine tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

day 56

Just booked out a 1/2 mile on the bike. Trying not to beat myself up about the low distance.

On my way home tonight, everything was so pretty, with the clouds and the moon.. I wish I could've been outside walking, instead was inside on what I've decided is a contraption designed and built by serenely evil* people. Isn't the whole point to a bicycle being able to travel to a place faster than you could walk to it and enjoy the scenery.. Not pedaling insanely away, going nowhere, inside of a stuffy room.

I must confess, I may have lied. I started walking after midnight, not only because of my nocturnal tendencies, but because I did not like to be seen.

This whole "putting myself out there" thing, is very new for me. I don't consider myself to be shy..just reclusive. (not good) if a person builds up enough dislike for the human race, one begins to dislike oneself, even more. Bollocks to that.

*well balanced in their evilness..quite content.

(update add another 1/2 mile to the trek. 1 mile daily total for Tuesday. (that feels better to my head)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

day 55

I only got in 1/2 mile on the bike.

I really am starting over.. =p

Saturday, May 14, 2011

day 54

i went for 1.4 miles on the bike at a pretty good pace.

it felt pretty good to sweat like that again. 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

day 53

but is it really? i'm starting over. you know, in my head. i'm starting back at one.

i walked 1 mile.

i feel great. arch is kinda sore. if it hurts tomorrow, i will skip the day and go for the next. every other day is great. don't push push push. inner monologue, has got out of control here.

i'm getting smaller. i'm fighting panic attacks about that. i know it's a good thing to get smaller. why am i so nervous about it? i feel like if i'm big, i won't get hurt. that's crap, of course. i've proved that. i've had more than a fair share of hurt in my lifetime. so why do i have a panic attack, when i think of being smaller? helplessness. i was helpless. now, i am not. i can let go of this. i will become stronger and more capable by doing this. i will kick more ass. i will allow people to come in. this is so big sometimes, to think about. letting go of this shit. allowing people to know me. i am becoming. this journey has taught me lessons.. it has allowed me to take a look at my potential.

Let It Be

Thursday, April 21, 2011

day 52

1/4 mile

I was told the insoles have a "break-in" period of up to 2 weeks. I'm kind of impatient about getting back into the walking. This is where I realize, it doesn't matter how frustrated I get with my situation.. It's going to take time to get better.

The truth of the matter. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the motivation will disappear.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

day 51

1/2 mile

I'm having difficulty finding what it takes to do what I was doing before I got ill.

I realized that I haven't done a lot of things in life, because I am afraid of failing. This is a debilitating fear. Like I'm stuck in a corner..unable to move at all. I also realized, that with this, the only way I fail, is if I stop completely. I cannot fail if I'm still walking. That kind of makes it easier.

bitch. I'm going to start taking chances.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

day 50

1/2 mile walked.

I have a lot to write, but I'm not going to do it now. I don't really feel like it.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

day 49

oh yeah oh yeah!

1 mile

i feel pretty good, got a little wet.. (don't be dirty..)

i had to say hello to someone. i had to say hello to CHANCE IN HELL. and i had to welcome it with open arms and whisper in it's ear.... sweet nothings.. i said... "ima make you my bitch."

i think i felt chance in hell tremble a bit.

Friday, March 25, 2011

day 48

1/2 mile

i have to remind myself, it's the fact that i'm doing this, that is important. i feel very weird right now. about my situation. where i'm headed, the path that i'm on. it feels very surreal at this point. almost as if i've been a spectator in my own life for the last 30 years and now, i'm finally sitting in the captain's chair.

i think i've sat here before, it feels familiar. but only for a day or so at a time. then it's always been back to disconnect, deprive myself and the people around me of the chance of getting to know who i am and who they are.

i'm trying TRYING so very hard to engage.

i have a weird sense of timing in conversations. sometimes, i can make them flow.. and hours can pass and i don't realize that i've been plugged into someone, sharing. then.

there are those times, when i walk away as i'm speaking, ending my sentence with a shutting door.

i do that, a lot. more often than the other.

(i may actually be famous for doing that.)

one of my problems is, i hate being that person.. the one that doesn't know when to leave and the conversation lags and it becomes "uncomfortable"

don't get me wrong, i am actually one of those people that feels pretty comfortable going long stretches without speaking at all.

i'm thinking =)

(this makes me weird to some people that like to talk talk talk a lot lot.. lot.. and then to others, it just means i'm a great listener. a commodity)

thinking, to me, is almost as good as reading a good book. i don't mean to be boastful, but i amuse myself pretty damn well. hey, i'm stuck with me all the time! if i would have thought of me in this light, (the humorous one) and judged myself on that alone, i'd like myself a shitload more. because that's one thing that i've always liked about myself. i enjoy being funny. all types of funny.

when i get around people that are equally vivacious (or more so) i feed off of them. this goes back to the plugging in with people and sharing thing. some people, i just click with.

i also do the opposite.. i may become more quiet and simply observe, enjoy being entertained. i love it. i love when people dance and sing and say witty things or do stupid things to make me laugh. i appreciate it.

i stay tuned in. connected.



oh except when i start liking liking someone.

then i...



(it's the fear)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

day 47

a week later...........

i feel like i'm starting at day 1.

i walked 1/2 mile

10 minutes after i got in.. i hacked up 3 lungs. oh, you didn't know i had a spare? i was only able to get 2 back in, it's like socks.. once they're out of the pack, they don't go back in the same way. i think i'll be alright though, mere mortals have but 2 lungs.. 

i feel PHENOMENAL!!!! 

oh.. how i've missed that endorphin rush that i get after a little cardio.. 
i mean... endogenous morphine.. what's not to like about that?

that's all sexy geek talk baby.. i'm diggin' it. yes!

i have a story for you

in a normally functioning human brain, there is a 3 step process. we can complete these steps in any manner of time frame, from seemingly instantaneous to lengthy.. i am referring, of course, to: idea - judgement - action. just about everything we do as people, comes down to those three steps.

- i want/need/desire to (spank his bottom)
- should i? (yes/no/later)
- ACTION! (smacked/unsmacked bottom)

when one is intoxicated.. normal functions go out the window. one of these 3 very important steps is disregarded. unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you view life, it isn't idea or action.

that's right. Judgement takes a little stay-cation.. oh, she's in the room.. but she's been tied up and gagged by Idea and Action.. they've been drinking too.

Judgement is that prim and proper lady (or gent)

Idea and Action - they're like nerd/stoner love children. they mean well, but without Judgement, they get a little lost.

i have disrespected Judgement a lot. much to my folly. i'm learning though.

Saturday, March 19, 2011


i am very sick. this is head cold2, yeah, i said it. this is the worst head cold i've had in a very long time and i've had some bad ones. needless to say, i haven't walked in 2 days and it may be 2 more, before i begin. again. my face. hurts. my sinuses are plugged. i keep hacking stuff up. and heaving on mucus. this is gross, but i gave up trying to brush my teeth this morning, because i just got tired of heaving. i didn't bother wearing makeup, because what's the point with a runny nose?! i'd end up wiping it all off. and forget about the eyes.. watering. and even waterproof mascara cannot last through these tears and repeated blotting.

so not only do i feel like hell, i look it.

i had a lot of fun last night though. (i) drank too much, laughed very heartily. spanked a boy. (sorry Chris) got groped and patted repeatedly (thanks strange men), got my tits looked over. (ha) and got (accidentally) ditched and (valiantly) rescued (by a man who is just as handsome as Rupert Everett pre-plastic surgery weird-out) within a 2 minute span.

file it under good.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

day 46

1 mile walked

i think this is weird.. this new writing trend.. i walk after i get home from work, 12:30am or so, i write about it almost 24 hours later. i don't know if this is bad or if it's good. i do know, i'm thinking about writing a lot more. i take notes, thoughts i'd like to include. i don't have notes for this post. =(

i did write something down about a week ago though, that i wanted to put here.

moth, meet flame. i kinda know now, why it is, what it is. we find the little things that we love about ourselves, multiplied in others and we call it love.

i'll never understand love completely, i'm willing to learn though.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

day 45

1 mile walked

i cannot write this post.. and not talk about pain.

so i made the huge blundering mistake yesterday, saying that the walking part isn't difficult.

my left ankle, hurts so bad. they both hurt, but that one.. oh, my walk took 40 minutes.
=( not happy, i felt like an old lady. most old ladies can probably out-walk me anyway.
i'm starting to worry about the MS walk in mid April, if I'll be able to do it.

tonight's walk will be brought to you by Icy Hot.

Monday, March 14, 2011

day 44

1 mile

some days i have to force myself to do what i need to do to make myself feel "good"

i'm wondering when this will become second nature. (i'm not even talking about the walking, really) i'm talking about the other stuff, that i do every day (or nearly) to make myself feel good. like putting on makeup.. giving a shit what i look like. you know, this kinda stuff.. i have to hold yourself to a standard, i do, i have to hold myself accountable for how i look, feel.. blah blah blah and it's kind of exhausting. i've slept a lot. over the weekend.. i woke up at 3pm on Saturday and then at 4pm on Sunday.. you may think that i had trouble falling alseep again, nope.. zonk.

i haven't walked as much as i had been walking. i've also only managed once a day. i have no idea where that motivation went (that seemed to exist just a week ago) i felt like i was kicking ass, now, not so much.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Friday, March 11, 2011

day 42

1 mile walked

i used to be so careless with my heart. my formidable years, i wasn't a shy 21 year old, she loved and she loved hard.. by the time i turned 25, i was changed completely, i had withdrawn from the world on an emotional level, i only brought my heart out on very rare occasions.

the thing about doing that is, it just gets more difficult to deal with stuff.. shutting down, shutting out..

i mentioned "the champagne supernova" years. those were good years, there's a sense of naiveté with youth, that makes it so fleeting and fun.. it's also drama-ridden and i have no use for it.. i'm happy that shit is over.

i'm just tired of being broken.

why can't i just say "i'm ok now" and have that be the truth? why isn't it that easy?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

day 41

1 mile walked (20 minutes)

i've started timing myself.

i've always tried to be a "say what you mean and mean what you say" kind of girl. i was recently told that this is one of the reasons that "everyone likes me". i've been getting a lot of pep talks lately, which is a good thing, i've got amazing people in my life. i need the encouragement. i hear a lot of "everyone loves you", "everyone likes you" and "you're beautiful" and honestly "why don't you love yourself?"

i don't know the answer to that last one, but i do find it statistically hard to believe that everyone likes/loves me. i don't really care if everyone likes me, just as long as some people do.

i'm having mini spastic freak outs with food.

mini spastic freak out (defined): it's like when you throw up and you think you're done, you've got that sense of relief.. but you have this sneaking suspicion in the back of your mind that you're not done puking.. and just as soon as that thought enters your brain, you feel that familiar pulling at the back of your tongue, as it moves the fuck out of the way. you're not done, you keep going.

(weird, random, left field, why did i just write that?)

i think that i'm done with my weird relationship with food.. but in the back of my mind, i know better. i know that i'm not and i have weird pig out moments.. keep in mind, "typical" eating behavior (pre-getting healthy Sarah) = me not giving a shit and just eating whatever. since i've started walking however, i have this desire to make my physical efforts more fruitful and i'ves tarted eating better. until i have a mini spastic freak out and eat 2 king size candy bars.. no, i'm not upset while i do this. i'm not crying and eating, give me a break, who does that? if i cry too much, i vomit.. eating is the last thing on my mind.

i define it this way.. and i hope that by defining it, i can come up with some sort of answer.

i eat, to fill a void. i feel empty. hollow. i do the same thing with sex (not lately) but it's all to fill that void that is within me.. the void isn't truly empty, it has all these mean things squirrelled away in hidey holes, just waiting for the right vulnerable moment to pop up.. i have a lot of vulnerable moments (always by myself) i think if i were better at being vulnerable with people, i wouldn't have half the problems that i do. there's always a fine line here, to be walked. i've trusted the wrong people before. that sucks.

i freak out and i feel that void. it's like a panic button gets pressed. i panic at the thought of people genuinely liking me, having to be human again. being human is a messy business.

lately, i'm struggling with this daunting task i've started. i'm 41 days in and i was feeling pretty relaxed about my progress but then, i've started *thinking* about what i still have yet to do. it's a lot. maybe i need to start looking at it like a recovering addict does, one day at a time.

i just want to be "good enough", for myself especially.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

day 40

.7 of a mile walked

lazy today. i was so tired, that i opted to sleep in (which was a laugh, i just laid there, thinking about how lazy i was being, until my alarm went off an hour later than normal)

i failed yesterday.. when i said "being fat and ugly, has made me paranoid." see, there was a point that i was trying to convey.. except, i got side-tracked and ended up word vomiting a bunch of other stuff instead.

i'm changing. i'm beginning to see myself as something. i'm probably not where i need to be self-esteem wise (fuck, i know i'm not) but i'm getting there. through all this self-work though, comes a lot of "ah-ha" moments.. that's what the "being fat and ugly" comment was all about. it has made me paranoid... to this day, i still have a hard time believing people, when they: tell me they like me, say they want to hang out, be friends.. get in my pants* (that not so much, getting in pants, has little to do with "looks" anyway) and i certainly have major difficulty believing anyone has feelings for me, beyond friendly ones.

(being fat and ugly, has made me paranoid because i doubt like hell, i'd be having this discussion if i didn't feel that way about myself)

i get paranoid.. suspicious.. and i worry.. a lot. i over-analyze to the point of being obsessive. why am i admitting to all of this? because it's something about myself, that has ALWAYS driven me completely nuts. it's all about the stuff i can't control. it's outside of my realm of influence, seriously.. well, not the way i represent myself (which may or may not result in said attention) but.. you get my drift..

i cannot control if someone likes/dislikes/loathes/loves me..

they'll do it, whether i want them to or not.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

day 39

2 miles walked

being fat and ugly, has made me paranoid.

we spend the first 18 years (probably the most impressionable ones) of our lives, learning standards: maths. language. "history". manners. looks. preferences. basic, human stuff. this time is spent, trying to make us "functional" members of society.

i've spent the last 10+ years trying to unlearn some of the shit that i learned there... well, i should say, i've spent the last 2 years. the first few were spent with me thinking there is actually something wrong with me. then making exceptions and lowering standards. the bargaining begins. "i'm fat, so i can't have high standards" came into play a lot. i won't lie, i married a man that i didn't love, because, i was afraid to be alone. i divorced that man, because, i was afraid to spend the rest of my life with him. that, really, was the first step in all of this. shedding the stigma that i can't have standards and preferences like everyone else on the planet does.

i don't have high standards, i have MY standards.

recently, i've come to terms with.. my face.. it is my face. it's the only one i have.

and i have very very recently, started to view my (made up face) as mildly attractive. not pretty or beautiful, maybe cute. but pleasing. (hey, babies like it.)

as i apply various layers of cosmetics, i take note of the lines under my eyes, that weren't there 5 years ago. i know where they came from. they came from grief.

the laugh lines look different..

i'm working on those now.

Monday, March 7, 2011

day 38

.7 walked

i had an unproductive (walking) weekend. i did a lot of talking. and i realized. i don't usually do a lot of talking. spent some time with a good friend. i don't know how we managed to disconnect over the years, no point in wondering really, the important part is that we found each other again.

i talked a lot about my childhood trauma. she got some of it out of me. not details, but how it all made me feel. it was overwhelming and healing. just getting it out and having someone say "none of this was your fault" and believe it. i don't think i've ever believed that i was blameless in all of it.

so tonight.. back on with the big walks.

Friday, March 4, 2011

day 37

2.1 miles walked

i've decided a couple of things:

1. after my 100th day of walking, i'm getting a tattoo.

2. i found out that MS walk is 5k which is 3 miles. i have got to get up to walking 3 miles in one go by April. right now, i'm walking my 2.1 in (2) parts, the lion's share at night, then a shorty before work. 3 miles seems simple and daunting at the same time.

it's friday =)

i feel tall today

Thursday, March 3, 2011

day 36

2.1 miles walked

every once in a while.. you have to look at yourself objectively. your behaviors.. your habits.. your emotions.. and you have to question. you do. the question usually sounds a little bit like this:


if you can figure out a sound and rational answer, then what you're doing either is

A.) the right thing
B.) you're a pathological liar (you will find a way to rationalize anything!)

if you can't figure out a sound and rational answer..

it's probably time to change whatever it is you're questioning.

i cannot find a sound and rational answer for what i'm questioning at this very moment.

i've lost some focus over the past month.. it's slowly drifted. and while my distance in walking has improved, i feel that my mental and emotional states have been neglected. slightly. not entirely.


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

day 35

1.4 miles walked

i abandoned my midday walk, that would have brought my total up to 2 miles.. because i had to go deal with phone issues.. i'm not even going to get into it, i will just get pissed off all over again.

my legs feel restless right now.

today isn't a great day

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

day 34

2.1 miles

we'll see if 2.1 is my new number. my goal "by the end of February, walk 1 mile per day. i started walking 1.4 pretty consistently starting February 20th. here it is, the 1st of March and i've walked 2 miles a day, for the last two days. i've not only met my goal.. i've doubled it.

instead of feeling proud, which, i suppose i should. i feel like i'm playing catch up. i remember being the last one, always. last one chosen.. last one to climb the hill.. last one to the party.. everyone waiting on me (not always patiently) last.. last.. last.. so please, excuse me, if i only allow myself (a tiny amount of pride) for something that i should have been doing all along. this, like so many things, has been last. it's a last resort.. a last ditch effort.

(now i'm weeping)

all of this beautiful effort i am putting forth and instead of feeling happy, that i'm doing it, i feel like a failure, because i've waited so long. i've missed so much.

on the flip side of that, i'm not dead, yet.

i feel like i'm fighting for my very life

i AM putting forth the effort. I AM.

i think.. would i be a different person, if i wouldn't have tortured myself into a state of walking death? would i be a completely self-absorbed cunt (one of my worst fears, actually) if i had a body like a goddess? i think i would. i do. i think i'd have turned into a wretched human being.

i don't think i'd appreciate those people who make me feel better, just by throwing a smile my way.. or kind words of reassurance. that weird is interesting (yes, it is) and that it will get better. i am blessed to know so many wonderful people. but would i think they're wonderful if i were not me? would i treasure them? would they treasure me?

would i be so damned lovable, if i hadn't suffered?

everything happens for a reason. my accepting that, is what is going to get me through THIS. there is a light.. a pin point of light at the end of a very dark tunnel and i see it. it gives me hope that one day, i'll be there. in the light. basking in the warmth of an improved life. it's work work work and enjoying the journey right now, that's my job.

and playing a fuckload of catch up, i OWE this to myself.

Monday, February 28, 2011

day 33

2.1 miles today

the road is my therapist, my sneakers the couch. 
through my sweat and pain, i find clarity.

today is a good day

Sunday, February 27, 2011

day 32

.7 of a mile today

that's all i had in me. i will walk again (tonight) but it will be after midnight by that time and it will be day 33.. another day.. another post.. another mile walked.

i wrote some stuff... and i meant some stuff. no one knows who or what i'm talking about most days, so i don't suppose it matters and i'm not ashamed or embarrassed of what i wrote. it's not a case of "oh, Sarah's drunk again.. what will she write to embarrass herself.."

i need to work on sentence structure, grammar and punctuation. my writing is sad and i know that it bothers more than a few people that i don't capitalize anything. (as it should, it's not proper)

back to the stuff, i'm writing it here, because i think it's worth saying/writing again:

blame the alcohol. i think you've got to figure out if i'm worth the risk of potentially humiliating yourself for. i might say "what the fuck?" or worse, you don't know, because you don't know me. (i'm not like that) and i can say with all sincerity and with a pretty humble opinion, that yes, i am worth the risk.

i say humble, because it's true. as i write that, as i think it..
there's a nasty little voice, hissing at me "you're not good enough for anyone."

yes, i am. (i whisper)

"no one wants you."


Friday, February 25, 2011

day 31

1.4 miles walked

it seems that when i write a post, that gets me going (and apparently other people too) that i go into a dry spell. i can't seem to write something great each day.

then i think, that's not entirely true. it's just the stuff that i feel comfortable writing down. maybe i can only open myself up so much at a time.. i don't know who reads this. i know the people that comment and the people that always like it, due to progress or whatever. but i'm weird that way, i don't know who i'm being vulnerable with or even if i am being vulnerable. it's only the truth. which is ugly sometimes and sometimes hurts. even if it's not intended to. so do we buffer the truth, shine it up, make it pretty.. so it goes down easier.. do we coat that truth with lies? to ease it in.. lies are like lubricant.

i made a friend. she gave me the truth. i believe her, she didn't pretty it up for me at all and i admire the hell out of her for it. thanks Velvet. if it weren't for you, i wouldn't know. and i'd still be wondering what and why. i don't regret wondering what or why, because it led me on a path. i wouldn't have met who i met and loved who i loved if i wouldn't have had that drive to make things right between me and who ever that was i knew way back when. i'm not sure i knew him now. not sure at all. but that doesn't matter.

life is lived in the journey, not the destination.

the destination is death, isn't it?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

day 30

1.4 miles walked

it feels like spring, even with the snow on the ground.

here i am 30 days in. part of me cannot believe that i've kept it up this long and part of me feels like i'm not doing enough. i get stressed at the idea of missing one of my walks. with every step that i take, i am closer, to something.

i realized. i am doing this, so that someone will like me. this someone is important to me. they haven't been in the past. in the past i've treated this person like garbage. i've abused this person. i've punished them. i've hated them. emotionally, physically, mentally... i've done everything i can, to tear them down and now, it's time to rebuild my relationship. with myself. i love you Sarah. if i met you on the street and had tea with you, i'd listen intently, because you have deep, profound, intelligent things to say. you're genuine. you're thoughtful. you love deeply and intensely. you are so worth this effort i am putting forth to save you. 

and it's about time.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

day 29

1.4 miles walked

today has been a weird day.

my psyche may be splitting like an amoeba.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

day 28

.7 miles walked (so far)
*update* 1.4 miles walked Tuesday

it's nearing the end of February and my goal of walking 1 mile per day, is somewhat complete. i've been splitting the distance, walking my regular .7 of a mile, twice a day. i find this more attainable at this point in time. and i'm still going with the philosophy that it's more important that i'm doing it, rather than when.

i'm almost at the 30 day mark. i'm starting to notice (and so are others) that my face is getting thinner. i've also noticed changes in other parts of my body and major improvements in flexibility.

i knew i wouldn't get this far along and think oh jesus, this hasn't been worth it.

it's just been GETTING here. (think mindset)

i feel like i'm accomplishing something and i'm proud of myself.

i'm letting me be proud of me. that's a big step.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

day 27

.7 of a mile

I certainly put it off and put it off.. Usually, about halfway through or so.. I realize that the walk turns into putting one foot in front of the other. It stops being: "this is good, this feels good" and starts being: "ugh, get it over with, this is uncomfortable"

I missed Saturday. Can I make up for it by walking twice on Sunday? (one down, one to go)

update - walked 1.4 miles total on Sunday =)

Friday, February 18, 2011

day 26

.7 of a mile walked... just under the wire baby.

i didn't walk last night after work, due to an early morning... but.. i just got back from my walk.. my ears are freezing.. my eyes are watering.. and my legs feel a bit better, i was in the car a lot today. boo.

on my walk this evening.. i wore a Nike Fit Dry jacket.. a 3x. yeah, i know, that's big, but it ACTUALLY fits me now. it's still a wee snug around the hips, but.. it's getting there. and i thought.. if i had been following a healthier eating plan.. it would fit even better at this point. =(

my mom had surgery today. and i ate so much comfort food that i feel sick. the last 3 days, have been comfort eating. i need to stop. this is ridiculous.

good news though. the surgery fixed her heart (it was broken) and she is all better now. she cried because her heart hasn't felt "normal" for a long time. now it does.

Saturday's walk will likely take place in the day time.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

day 25

.7 of a mile

there comes a point, when a person has to realize: too much damage has been done. and at that point of realization, walk away from a given situation/friend/loved one and call it quits. no one likes to quit. no one. it doesn't feel great. 

i reached that point with someone on Wednesday. and i kind of lost it (not really, how does a person "blow up" via text message?) if you have ever had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of my temper (when i finally and actually do blow up.. well, it's scary) i'm a relatively tolerant person or i try to be. i also try to be forgiving. you know, turn the other cheek and shit.. 

i tried to re-acquaint with someone who really did me wrong (in the past and not just me, a number of people but i can only speak for myself in this instance.) and Wednesday, it just turned to shit and i realized that i shouldn't be bothering with this person. so.. i'm not anymore.

to be fair. i used something unrelated to fuel my "pissed off" fire and just kind of went off from there. the underlying issue is (as i realized) that i hadn't forgiven him for what he did. funny enough, as soon as i wrecked his day (as he put it) i felt better and i'm not pissed off at him anymore. i don't want to be friends with him either, but i'm not mad about it anymore. i guess it was the closure of getting it out there. 

i know that he never read this, but it was for him:

BOOM! and yes, you had it coming. I was your FRIEND and I loved you, you left me! it's not like I was someone you fucked and kinda loved! we were FRIENDS and you LEFT!! I didn't even get to say goodbye. so yeah, I exploded, take it. it's owed and yes, I'm sorry. and yes, I'm done now. I know you've probably "unfriended" me. but then, I think you did THAT a long time ago.

and at that point, i kind of wanted him to "forgive" me. for what, i have no cunting clue. i didn't do shit wrong. if he sincerely wanted to help me "get over this" like he said he did. he'd take this shit and say, yeah, OK. but instead, he ran away... (i have a strange sense of déjà vu)

fast forward through a day of emotional eating...... 

i realized: 
i don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't really remember being a complete fucking shit to me and is "sorry, but it was a long time ago." 

over it. 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

day 24

on a day that i really didn't feel like walking.. and i ended up putting it off until later.

i walked .7 mile

that's the furthest distance i've walked all at one time. although, i feel like i more or less meandered. the homeward stretch felt like slow-mo. story of my life. it always feels like i'm moving in slow-motion, while the world just whizzes past. it's like one of those nightmares.. when you can never run fast enough and something is after you. does anyone else have that nightmare?

over-thinking, over-analyzing.. separate the body from the mind.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

day 23

.6 of a mile walked

i'm wet. and not in a good way.

i would have walked more. i could have walked more..
but i was soaked through and the wind was starting to get cold, so.. i headed in.

the logical answer to this, rain gear. yes.. well, until they make reasonably affordable rain gear in my size, i will do without. i'm not cutting a hole in a fucking garbage bag. i grew up poor. i know all about white trash rain gear. i'm going to find an umbrella or something equally cumbersome to walk with for tomorrow. i may have a water resistant jacket (circa 2000 floating around in some box, somewhere) i will put it on and pretend i'm David Dunn.. every time i put on a rain coat.. i think of that movie..

i keep putting off improvements to my diet.

Monday, February 14, 2011

day 22

.4 mile walked

I didn't walk as far as I had been. I'm still trying to recoup from the day of food poisoning or whatever the hell hit me Saturday. Amazing how easy it is to get knocked down. I slept most of the day Saturday and quite a few hours into Sunday.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

day 21

walked .8 of a mile today..

i woke up this morning.. before the alarm and walked before my shower. it just felt right. it set the mood for the day for me (which wasn't terrible)

i just got done walking again, it was a half/half deal. i think i can feasibly make my 1 mile per day goal this way. i'd prefer doing it all at once, but right now going the .6 is pushing it with my pain threshold.

i went out with some friends from work tonight. i had 1 beer and then proceeded to turn into a fucking nuclear reactor. i have no clue why. but i was standing there, talking to people and dripping sweat. i didn't feel bad. i didn't feel faint. i was just sweating. it was pretty embarrassing.

when i closed my tab.. a man (i'm guessing) in his 40's.. so drunk that he was swaying. decided to introduce himself. informed me that he'd "seen me there a couple times before" to which i raised my lovely pierced eyebrows and nodded with a simple "hmm" he told me his name.. which i promptly forgot. shook my hand and launched into a story about what a nice guy he apparently is. i smiled, signed the slip and turned away. rude? perhaps. i doubt he'll remember.

long day. time for bed.

Friday, February 11, 2011

day 20

.6 of a mile walked

man.. so i decided yesterday, to bump up my distance.. truth be told, after i walked that, my hips were killing me. i got swagger beotches.. it's disguised as a waddle... i'll be strutting soon.

i walked a longer distance, because the just shy of 1/2 a mile wasn't cutting it. it was too easy for me (except after my days off - which i have decided to quit taking from here on) i felt like i was just warming up. so, i added that extra bit, not a lot mind.. and boom. square 1.. well, not quite that terrible.. but still pretty ouch on the joint pain.

i was thinking: i can't go backwards. i can't. that wouldn't be productive. i've got to stick this out and make it work. it will get easier. i can't go backwards. i can't regress. i can't let up. 

now, i'm thinking: i can go forward. i can progress. i can.

i want to make 1 mile per day by March 1st. i have to add distance at some point.

so, why was i thinking i can't?

why do i ever think i can't*?

the answer to this question is both, very complex and very simple. i have set limits for myself. those limits are ridiculously low and high (both) my chances for failure, due to both of these extremes is very high.

why do i do this?
i am a dedicated masochist and i am an avid sadist.

not so secretly, i want to fail. because it hurts and deep down, i'm kind of afraid to be happy. because in being happy. excuses are really eliminated. you can't whine. because everything is fluid.. everything is changeable. (i hate that i just put it that way.. i know a guy (that acted in a not-so respectable way) he used to say that and attach the word "babe" to it, to be extra condescending. he was an excellent teacher. but the lessons were always so bitter and painful. it taught me a lot about myself though. i wouldn't know that i'm a sadomasochist if i wouldn't have known him. it goes beyond the safe kinky sadomasochism though. i hurt myself for reals and that isn't good. (mentally, physically, emotionally) it's not healthy to do what i do and i've learned what i'm up to and slowly. surely.. i'm making changes to stop. (i'm still going to get more tattoos and maybe 2 more things pierced, because i seriously want my nipples pierced) 

i'm going to let lovely relationships with people blossom, as they deserve to do.

i'm going to let my friends love me. help me. support me.

i'm going to let myself heal from the emotional wounds and trauma that i've suffered over and over again throughout my life.

Brian cannot hurt me anymore.

i'm grown. i am strong. i am courageous.

Donald cannot manipulate the love i felt for him.

i am free. i am beautiful.

*(there are, of course, situations, where i can't is a perfectly acceptable answer, i.e., i can't breathe under water. i can't fly like a bird. and then, there are the situations, where you can, but morally and legally, you damn well know better.)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

day 19

.6 mile walked

i walked just a little over 1/2 mile tonight =) i earned that smiley face!! dang it.

i'm working up to 1 mile. i have a goal to be walking 1 mile a day by the end of February.

i really REALLY want to walk for my sister Jenifer on April 16th. (something i didn't think i would be able to do when she was diagnosed and her husband set all this up. that goal is do-able now) she was diagnosed with Multiple-Sclerosis in 2010 and her husband Joel has really gone gung-ho with the fundraising for the cause (he's pretty damn awesome anyway, all this just doubles his awesome-ness)

i'm going to pimp it a bit right now. if you'd like to sponsor a distance for me or however this works, i'd honestly appreciate it. (not only the help for the MS foundation, but for the challenge!!) seeing my sis go through treatment has been rough. she's a strong lady and i really admire the heck out of her. she's always been active and fit and has taken care of herself. she's an avid hunter/hiker/outdoors-woman. now.. she's all of that (still) and she deals with the physical afflictions of M.S.

the least i can do, is get my ass out there and walk for her.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

day 18

.4 mile walked

you probably don't realize how much you take for granted that if you rip your jeans, you can go to (store x) and pick up a new pair. they may not be designer or exactly like the ones you ripped.. but.. they cover your ass. i have to order mine from a catalog. a catalog for fat people. it takes up to 2 weeks to get them. so if i rip a pair of jeans and i'm out and about somewhere, i'm pretty much screwed.

bonus: i am now back into the smaller sized jeans.

walking works.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

day 17

.4 mile walked

(rather, marched, Rammstein will do that to you)

i appreciate my friends and the support that i get. over the past couple of weeks, it has been amazing and i doubt it will lighten up. i've encouraged everyone that wants to help and offer advice to do so. i'm all about the help this time around. the other attempts at this (there have been a few) i've thought, this is a battle that i have to fight on my own. and in a way. that is true. no one can DO it for me. but they can help. yes, they can. they can offer a kind word or a word of "get your ass out there Sarah" and all of it helps, all of it. because i know the people that care about me enough to tell me to get my ass out there, WANT me to succeed. an after effect of this project (just a little over 2 weeks in) has been inspiring to others. YAY!

i'm not one of those people that will take on the persona that i'm an expert now that i'm doing it.. uh, no. hardly. every day is a struggle. even though, most days, i do look forward to my walks. it's still a struggle with the pain and just plain feeling up to it. every day, i've got to remind myself. (like i said yesterday)

i've got to start working on my diet. it's not terrible at this point, but it's not what it could and should be. i'm doing this work, i need to make my efforts more productive, by adding healthy eating into the mix.

baby steps.

Monday, February 7, 2011

day 16

.4 mile done

i've got this goal see.. to not be so fat anymore.

i have to remind myself of that, every time i walk.
every time i don't want to walk.

that this is why i am doing this. so i'm not so fat.

i don't think this goal is exceptionally remarkable. half of what i weigh now. that's not a modest number either.. half of what i weigh right now (or the last time i stepped on a scale), would be 240. 240 pounds is the size of a very large man. the majority of the women i know weight less than 150... i have no illusions of myself getting that small, unless i get very very sick or there is absolutely nothing to eat. in other words.. not by choice. that's right, i said it. i don't WANT to be that little.

i want to be comfortable.

hey. i didn't want to go on a walk tonight. but i did. i did it. (yay) i need to stop skipping that once a week, it just makes getting started again more difficult. people keep telling me it's OK to skip a day and have a rest. i just don't think that's a good idea right now. i think i can allow myself a day if i'm ill or super uncomfortable. but if there is no reason for me to not walk, i should be walking.

i am started on week 3. week 3. wow. i'm starting to allow myself to feel a little pride on this.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

day 15

.4 mile done
i can no longer refer to it as 1/4 of a mile, that would be cheating myself.

today was pretty awful. it ended relatively well, but it started out shitty. i just wanted to go back to sleep. so i did, for another hour. it was one of those days, that i could have slept most of away. my depressive side kicking in. i don't know how to put it in to words. i always say that. then i manage, somehow. i'm better at writing things here, for people to read. than i am speaking to people. i don't think i come off as articulate at all in person. i can't tell a story or a joke, not really. i can entertain people, but it's merely a load of randomness, flying out of my mouth. observations.. smart ass comments. i mostly end up feeling guilty when i do. a lot of times, it's hurtful. and i think people have actually come to expect that mean-spirited humor from me. i've done it so long. this shit doesn't shut off. no wonder i'm alone.

there is a huge difference between being lonely and desperate. loneliness can lead to desperation.. but it doesn't automatically start there (i guess it does for some people)

i realized the other day. my first love happened when i was 21.. i gave that lovely Shaun everything i was. i couldn't imagine life without him. on an August morning in 2001, it ended. and i mean that quite literally. life stopped for me. i was crippled. wretched. and i stayed that way. i'm still kind of that way. i haven't been able or i haven't let myself fall again. i didn't love my ex-husband. not really. sure, i said "i love you" i was just going through the motions. i fixed him. he's a capable person now (thanks to me) yes, i mean that. he was living with his parents, going absolutely nowhere. why the hell i thought that was a good idea, i'll never know. i made Josh grow up. i suppose my being a "strong and capable" person had a lot to do with it. i think it's more like this. i'm a terrible bitch. he worshiped me. i let him. i was this glorious cunt. he did anything and everything i said. (most of the time) the thing about it is. i'm not into that. i'm not into the boot-licking, suck-ups.. i don't like people to pay compliments at every turn. they are EARNED. and if they're just thrown about, they are meaningless. that's how the "i'm sorry" started feeling. nothing felt genuine.. because nothing was. i turned into someone i didn't even know or like. there was so much disgust for myself. he never expected anything from me. how can you not expect things from a partner?

(it's over, calm down..)

a good conversation. someone capable. not easily intimidated. patient.

i just want something real.

Friday, February 4, 2011

day 14

i've actually been walking .4 mile or 643.7376 meters. there are 1609.344 meters in a mile..

i got curious and mapped it out on Google maps. it felt like a quarter mile track. but.. turns out, i've been walking a little further than i thought. yay.

it's damn late and i'm damn tired.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

day 13

1/4 mile done. 

i didn't even go in the house first. i just parked the car and walked. other than the nagging hip pain, it was good. one of these days, this pain is going to lighten up.

again with the makeup thing.. yeah, i'm not done beating this dead horse..
i have a theory

after making a comment that compliments from specific people gave me the willies. a friend of mine tried to justify said creep's compliment by saying something like this: "well, you don't usually wear makeup.. and it does look good on you." i was a complete ass. i said "yeah, i get that... blah blah" instead of saying thanks for the compliment. because i'm not quite sure if it's a compliment or not. i ended up sounding like a bit of an asshole "you're attractive" - "yeah, i know" type of thing. ICK.

what i meant by it, even though i failed miserably.. was this.

yeah, i get that people think i'm more attractive WITH the makeup. what i don't get is the WHY. why is this a standard for beauty? why is goop around my eyeballs attractive? (i understand that it isn't attractive to everyone, but we'll go with a lot (if not majority) for numbers.)

i've come up with a couple of theories on why this is.. now that i have you here.. reading this. i'll give em to you.

1st theory. and not my favorite. the lie that it represents. this is how good i could look. if my skin weren't blotchy and my eyelashes were actually black. if my lips were permanently tinged darker pink..

2nd theory. i like this one, because i like thinking about sex.
the made-up female face represents the female body.
the eyes pop.. stand out.. get your attention.. like tits.
the cheeks.. round.. rosy.. so pretty to look at.. like a bottom.
the lips. moist and pink. do i really need to say it?

what do you think? yes, i'd like your opinion. you can tell me i'm full of shite. preoccupied with sex (you'd be right) or.. whatever. it's a topic that i find fascinating.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

day 12

i'm pretty sure this is me. dying.

i just walked 1/4 mile.

and i'm feeling every pound. no. every ounce that i weigh. i feel heavy. i feel impossibly fucking heavy. my filter fell off Kim!! how the hell did i ever think that i felt good? that i am comfortable. the last 10 years minimum, i have hurt. physically. EVERY DAY! and yet somehow, i tricked my mind into thinking that i feel all right. that (for the longest time, i maintained this: i am fat, but healthy. there's nothing wrong with this)

yes THERE IS YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER! you HURT!! what part of that is RIGHT?!?!

the somewhat (secret) sadomasochist thinks it's all right. there is a not so very small side to me that likes hurting and inflicting hurt. if I do this to MYSELF, then no one else can do worse!!! right?!?! if i'm my own worst enemy, my very own torturer.. then what's the big deal? there is no one else to fear.

this is why, the honest truth why, walking at night doesn't scare me. i am, unapologetically, the biggest badass i know. (to myself) i'm not kidding. i am the meanest person (to myself) that i know.

i'd mentioned earlier that i don't know any "shady motherfuckers" well, here i am. i'm about as shady and underhanded (to myself) as they come. i sabotage my own efforts. i lie to myself. i make myself think that i feel good (although, right now, i could use a little of that mind control back, please, i'd like to feel good right now and BE WALKING MORE you bitch!) in a way.. isn't that another form of sabotage? my mind uncovering that filter (Kim) so that i can see how much this hurts.. a bit more motivation. :*( 

i think i could do without that kind of motivation. i've been that sadomasochist for too long.

i'm ranting now. i am ranting. i'm a lunatic.

i even started out slow tonight.. thought i'd add some more distance. nope. it was just a slow 1/4. a slow. painful one. but i got it in, nonetheless.