1/4 mile
I was told the insoles have a "break-in" period of up to 2 weeks. I'm kind of impatient about getting back into the walking. This is where I realize, it doesn't matter how frustrated I get with my situation.. It's going to take time to get better.
The truth of the matter. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the motivation will disappear.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
day 51
1/2 mile
I'm having difficulty finding what it takes to do what I was doing before I got ill.
I realized that I haven't done a lot of things in life, because I am afraid of failing. This is a debilitating fear. Like I'm stuck in a corner..unable to move at all. I also realized, that with this, the only way I fail, is if I stop completely. I cannot fail if I'm still walking. That kind of makes it easier.
bitch. I'm going to start taking chances.
I'm having difficulty finding what it takes to do what I was doing before I got ill.
I realized that I haven't done a lot of things in life, because I am afraid of failing. This is a debilitating fear. Like I'm stuck in a corner..unable to move at all. I also realized, that with this, the only way I fail, is if I stop completely. I cannot fail if I'm still walking. That kind of makes it easier.
bitch. I'm going to start taking chances.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
day 50
1/2 mile walked.
I have a lot to write, but I'm not going to do it now. I don't really feel like it.
I have a lot to write, but I'm not going to do it now. I don't really feel like it.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
day 49
oh yeah oh yeah!
1 mile
i feel pretty good, got a little wet.. (don't be dirty..)
i had to say hello to someone. i had to say hello to CHANCE IN HELL. and i had to welcome it with open arms and whisper in it's ear.... sweet nothings.. i said... "ima make you my bitch."
i think i felt chance in hell tremble a bit.
1 mile
i feel pretty good, got a little wet.. (don't be dirty..)
i had to say hello to someone. i had to say hello to CHANCE IN HELL. and i had to welcome it with open arms and whisper in it's ear.... sweet nothings.. i said... "ima make you my bitch."
i think i felt chance in hell tremble a bit.
Friday, March 25, 2011
day 48
1/2 mile
i have to remind myself, it's the fact that i'm doing this, that is important. i feel very weird right now. about my situation. where i'm headed, the path that i'm on. it feels very surreal at this point. almost as if i've been a spectator in my own life for the last 30 years and now, i'm finally sitting in the captain's chair.
i think i've sat here before, it feels familiar. but only for a day or so at a time. then it's always been back to disconnect, deprive myself and the people around me of the chance of getting to know who i am and who they are.
i'm trying TRYING so very hard to engage.
i have a weird sense of timing in conversations. sometimes, i can make them flow.. and hours can pass and i don't realize that i've been plugged into someone, sharing. then.
there are those times, when i walk away as i'm speaking, ending my sentence with a shutting door.
i do that, a lot. more often than the other.
(i may actually be famous for doing that.)
one of my problems is, i hate being that person.. the one that doesn't know when to leave and the conversation lags and it becomes "uncomfortable"
don't get me wrong, i am actually one of those people that feels pretty comfortable going long stretches without speaking at all.
i'm thinking =)
(this makes me weird to some people that like to talk talk talk a lot lot.. lot.. and then to others, it just means i'm a great listener. a commodity)
thinking, to me, is almost as good as reading a good book. i don't mean to be boastful, but i amuse myself pretty damn well. hey, i'm stuck with me all the time! if i would have thought of me in this light, (the humorous one) and judged myself on that alone, i'd like myself a shitload more. because that's one thing that i've always liked about myself. i enjoy being funny. all types of funny.
when i get around people that are equally vivacious (or more so) i feed off of them. this goes back to the plugging in with people and sharing thing. some people, i just click with.
i also do the opposite.. i may become more quiet and simply observe, enjoy being entertained. i love it. i love when people dance and sing and say witty things or do stupid things to make me laugh. i appreciate it.
i stay tuned in. connected.
except.
except...
oh except when i start liking liking someone.
then i...
disconnect.....
withdraw..........
(it's the fear)
i have to remind myself, it's the fact that i'm doing this, that is important. i feel very weird right now. about my situation. where i'm headed, the path that i'm on. it feels very surreal at this point. almost as if i've been a spectator in my own life for the last 30 years and now, i'm finally sitting in the captain's chair.
i think i've sat here before, it feels familiar. but only for a day or so at a time. then it's always been back to disconnect, deprive myself and the people around me of the chance of getting to know who i am and who they are.
i'm trying TRYING so very hard to engage.
i have a weird sense of timing in conversations. sometimes, i can make them flow.. and hours can pass and i don't realize that i've been plugged into someone, sharing. then.
there are those times, when i walk away as i'm speaking, ending my sentence with a shutting door.
i do that, a lot. more often than the other.
(i may actually be famous for doing that.)
one of my problems is, i hate being that person.. the one that doesn't know when to leave and the conversation lags and it becomes "uncomfortable"
don't get me wrong, i am actually one of those people that feels pretty comfortable going long stretches without speaking at all.
i'm thinking =)
(this makes me weird to some people that like to talk talk talk a lot lot.. lot.. and then to others, it just means i'm a great listener. a commodity)
thinking, to me, is almost as good as reading a good book. i don't mean to be boastful, but i amuse myself pretty damn well. hey, i'm stuck with me all the time! if i would have thought of me in this light, (the humorous one) and judged myself on that alone, i'd like myself a shitload more. because that's one thing that i've always liked about myself. i enjoy being funny. all types of funny.
when i get around people that are equally vivacious (or more so) i feed off of them. this goes back to the plugging in with people and sharing thing. some people, i just click with.
i also do the opposite.. i may become more quiet and simply observe, enjoy being entertained. i love it. i love when people dance and sing and say witty things or do stupid things to make me laugh. i appreciate it.
i stay tuned in. connected.
except.
except...
oh except when i start liking liking someone.
then i...
disconnect.....
withdraw..........
(it's the fear)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
day 47
a week later...........
i feel like i'm starting at day 1.
i walked 1/2 mile
10 minutes after i got in.. i hacked up 3 lungs. oh, you didn't know i had a spare? i was only able to get 2 back in, it's like socks.. once they're out of the pack, they don't go back in the same way. i think i'll be alright though, mere mortals have but 2 lungs..
i feel PHENOMENAL!!!!
oh.. how i've missed that endorphin rush that i get after a little cardio..
i mean... endogenous morphine.. what's not to like about that?
that's all sexy geek talk baby.. i'm diggin' it. yes!
i have a story for you
in a normally functioning human brain, there is a 3 step process. we can complete these steps in any manner of time frame, from seemingly instantaneous to lengthy.. i am referring, of course, to: idea - judgement - action. just about everything we do as people, comes down to those three steps.
- i want/need/desire to (spank his bottom)
- should i? (yes/no/later)
- ACTION! (smacked/unsmacked bottom)
when one is intoxicated.. normal functions go out the window. one of these 3 very important steps is disregarded. unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you view life, it isn't idea or action.
that's right. Judgement takes a little stay-cation.. oh, she's in the room.. but she's been tied up and gagged by Idea and Action.. they've been drinking too.
Judgement is that prim and proper lady (or gent)
Idea and Action - they're like nerd/stoner love children. they mean well, but without Judgement, they get a little lost.
i have disrespected Judgement a lot. much to my folly. i'm learning though.
i feel like i'm starting at day 1.
i walked 1/2 mile
10 minutes after i got in.. i hacked up 3 lungs. oh, you didn't know i had a spare? i was only able to get 2 back in, it's like socks.. once they're out of the pack, they don't go back in the same way. i think i'll be alright though, mere mortals have but 2 lungs..
i feel PHENOMENAL!!!!
oh.. how i've missed that endorphin rush that i get after a little cardio..
i mean... endogenous morphine.. what's not to like about that?
that's all sexy geek talk baby.. i'm diggin' it. yes!
i have a story for you
in a normally functioning human brain, there is a 3 step process. we can complete these steps in any manner of time frame, from seemingly instantaneous to lengthy.. i am referring, of course, to: idea - judgement - action. just about everything we do as people, comes down to those three steps.
- i want/need/desire to (spank his bottom)
- should i? (yes/no/later)
- ACTION! (smacked/unsmacked bottom)
when one is intoxicated.. normal functions go out the window. one of these 3 very important steps is disregarded. unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you view life, it isn't idea or action.
that's right. Judgement takes a little stay-cation.. oh, she's in the room.. but she's been tied up and gagged by Idea and Action.. they've been drinking too.
Judgement is that prim and proper lady (or gent)
Idea and Action - they're like nerd/stoner love children. they mean well, but without Judgement, they get a little lost.
i have disrespected Judgement a lot. much to my folly. i'm learning though.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
nonsense
i am very sick. this is head cold2, yeah, i said it. this is the worst head cold i've had in a very long time and i've had some bad ones. needless to say, i haven't walked in 2 days and it may be 2 more, before i begin. again. my face. hurts. my sinuses are plugged. i keep hacking stuff up. and heaving on mucus. this is gross, but i gave up trying to brush my teeth this morning, because i just got tired of heaving. i didn't bother wearing makeup, because what's the point with a runny nose?! i'd end up wiping it all off. and forget about the eyes.. watering. and even waterproof mascara cannot last through these tears and repeated blotting.
so not only do i feel like hell, i look it.
i had a lot of fun last night though. (i) drank too much, laughed very heartily. spanked a boy. (sorry Chris) got groped and patted repeatedly (thanks strange men), got my tits looked over. (ha) and got (accidentally) ditched and (valiantly) rescued (by a man who is just as handsome as Rupert Everett pre-plastic surgery weird-out) within a 2 minute span.
file it under good.
so not only do i feel like hell, i look it.
i had a lot of fun last night though. (i) drank too much, laughed very heartily. spanked a boy. (sorry Chris) got groped and patted repeatedly (thanks strange men), got my tits looked over. (ha) and got (accidentally) ditched and (valiantly) rescued (by a man who is just as handsome as Rupert Everett pre-plastic surgery weird-out) within a 2 minute span.
file it under good.
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