day 48

1/2 mile

i have to remind myself, it's the fact that i'm doing this, that is important. i feel very weird right now. about my situation. where i'm headed, the path that i'm on. it feels very surreal at this point. almost as if i've been a spectator in my own life for the last 30 years and now, i'm finally sitting in the captain's chair.

i think i've sat here before, it feels familiar. but only for a day or so at a time. then it's always been back to disconnect, deprive myself and the people around me of the chance of getting to know who i am and who they are.

i'm trying TRYING so very hard to engage.

i have a weird sense of timing in conversations. sometimes, i can make them flow.. and hours can pass and i don't realize that i've been plugged into someone, sharing. then.

there are those times, when i walk away as i'm speaking, ending my sentence with a shutting door.

i do that, a lot. more often than the other.

(i may actually be famous for doing that.)

one of my problems is, i hate being that person.. the one that doesn't know when to leave and the conversation lags and it becomes "uncomfortable"

don't get me wrong, i am actually one of those people that feels pretty comfortable going long stretches without speaking at all.

i'm thinking =)

(this makes me weird to some people that like to talk talk talk a lot lot.. lot.. and then to others, it just means i'm a great listener. a commodity)

thinking, to me, is almost as good as reading a good book. i don't mean to be boastful, but i amuse myself pretty damn well. hey, i'm stuck with me all the time! if i would have thought of me in this light, (the humorous one) and judged myself on that alone, i'd like myself a shitload more. because that's one thing that i've always liked about myself. i enjoy being funny. all types of funny.

when i get around people that are equally vivacious (or more so) i feed off of them. this goes back to the plugging in with people and sharing thing. some people, i just click with.

i also do the opposite.. i may become more quiet and simply observe, enjoy being entertained. i love it. i love when people dance and sing and say witty things or do stupid things to make me laugh. i appreciate it.

i stay tuned in. connected.

except.

except...

oh except when i start liking liking someone.

then i...

disconnect.....

withdraw..........

(it's the fear)