day 67

1.84 milesfunny, peculiar and fascinating - how that, if every day, I give it all I have, the next day, I'm capable of just a little more.

I love the fact that I'm amazed at myself, proud of what I'm doing and letting myself feel good.

3 Wishes: the title of an essay that I'm working on. I'd like to think that it will blow your mind, but I know better, it may make YOU feel something good though.

Peace be with you all.

day 66

not only do I feel like utter SHIT today (thank you mother nature for giving me a uterus) I managed to get my highest distance yet on El Diablo Machine.

1.78 miles. 2 miles, so close that if it sneezed, I would feel the spray. and I would say: "nasty ass, cover your mouth and bless you."

day 65

1.57 miles
you've got to keep breathing

just breathe

that's something I've had to REALLY focus on during cardio.. it's not traditionally been a thing with me, cardio.. duh, like ya'll can't tell.. bitches don't get this fat, if they dig the cardio. with me, I've got to focus on something, other than the creaking in my joints.. normally, it's been the music, lately, it's been just breathing. deep and steady. which is a lot more difficult than I thought it should be. resisting the urge to pant like a dog (because it's exhausting to pant) in.......out......in......out, slow, lung fulls.

the biggest reason I have "breathe" tattooed on my arm, I forget to and I forget how. (not on a primal level) however, I do find myself holding my breath at times.

a huge doucher, who, I'm learning through catching up (mentally and emotionally) with, isn't really a doucher at all.. used to tell me (all the damn time) just breathe Sarah. my comeback was usually, "I am, fuck you" he's now a person I wish I wouldn't have cut out of my life. he would have been a great asset as a friend.. he knew that too. chalk it up to psycho human stuff, I.just.couldn't. he'll just be someone I think about sometimes and continue to learn from. (doucher)

day 64

.44 of a mile when I got home and 1.45 miles, when I got up.

I can't even do 2 miles in 2 chunks!! Bah!! Whatever.

I'm edging closer to 100.. I do believe I will get to 2 miles before then.

day 63

1.43 miles today.
It was all I had, sometimes that's how it goes. Icy Hot will be applied to my left ankle before I leave for work. Damn thing has hurt the last 2 days. It needs to get the hell over itself.

Sorry, I'm at a stage where if I "rest" or "take it easy" anymore, I'm going to go bat shit crazy, I'm doing this for sanity's sake.

day 62

1.46 miles today
I had to dig deep for that one. The mind won out today, my body didn't want to.

Closer to that goal of 2 miles.
Doing - feels good. Accomplishing - feels even better.

day 61

1.37 miles on el diablo machine

I am beginning to really enjoy the sweat when it drips down my face and neck. It feels cleansing, I'm sweating out my self-imposed inadequacies. I'm succeeding, just by having it flow down my face like tears. I feel euphoric.. I felt this when I walked, it's good to have that back.

I'm getting closer to my 2 mile goal. =)

day 60

1.18 miles on the bike... working for 2 miles (that's my target for now)

I'm shaking.

I've been kind of in a "state" for the last couple of days. It's been a place where I've not wanted to go. Funny how the places we don't want to go (within ourselves) are the exact places we should be visiting more often. It has been bitter. But I learned something. I am capable of feeling something for men (not speaking friends) other than contempt and lusty abandon (which later turns sour).

I am capable of feeling the joys of love. I haven't felt the glimmer of that possibility in a very long time. I'm also not at all ready to GO there with someone.

Yay growth.

day 59

1.17 miles on the dreaded bike. Improving!!

so the official doctor weigh in was accurate to my scales. I'm down 14 pounds. =) Dr Perez hugged me and told me that he is very proud of me, he's been my doctor for 10 years. (he's seen stuff)

I was kinda bummed that I didn't lose more, but hey, for the lion's share of that time, I wasn't exercising (I was exorcising personal demons) which is important.

I may feel kind of "out of it" today, but I feel better for having said what needed saying and having a sympathetic ear hear it. Some things I won't admit to myself, unless I'm telling someone else about it.

Friends are good.

day 58

1 mile on the bike today..

I hope to be upping distance soon. Have to go back to where I was when I started and reassure myself, it's the fact that I'm DOING this that matters. The rest will come, if it takes a little more time than I want it to, that's just how it is.

I see my Doctor tomorrow @ 2pm for my official weigh in, but according to my scales (as of Monday), I've lost 14 pounds.

day 57

1.04 miles

amazing that it took me under 10 minutes. the calories burned readout: 67............. you're kidding me right? here I am dripping with sweat and I burned (less than) the calorie content of a boiled chicken egg. holy #*@!

I am undaunted, I'll be back on the devil machine tomorrow.

day 56

Just booked out a 1/2 mile on the bike. Trying not to beat myself up about the low distance.

On my way home tonight, everything was so pretty, with the clouds and the moon.. I wish I could've been outside walking, instead was inside on what I've decided is a contraption designed and built by serenely evil* people. Isn't the whole point to a bicycle being able to travel to a place faster than you could walk to it and enjoy the scenery.. Not pedaling insanely away, going nowhere, inside of a stuffy room.

I must confess, I may have lied. I started walking after midnight, not only because of my nocturnal tendencies, but because I did not like to be seen.

This whole "putting myself out there" thing, is very new for me. I don't consider myself to be shy..just reclusive. (not good) if a person builds up enough dislike for the human race, one begins to dislike oneself, even more. Bollocks to that.

*well balanced in their evilness..quite content.

(update add another 1/2 mile to the trek. 1 mile daily total for Tuesday. (that feels better to my head)

day 55

I only got in 1/2 mile on the bike.

I really am starting over.. =p

day 54

i went for 1.4 miles on the bike at a pretty good pace.

it felt pretty good to sweat like that again. 

day 53

but is it really? i'm starting over. you know, in my head. i'm starting back at one.

i walked 1 mile.

i feel great. arch is kinda sore. if it hurts tomorrow, i will skip the day and go for the next. every other day is great. don't push push push. inner monologue, has got out of control here.

i'm getting smaller. i'm fighting panic attacks about that. i know it's a good thing to get smaller. why am i so nervous about it? i feel like if i'm big, i won't get hurt. that's crap, of course. i've proved that. i've had more than a fair share of hurt in my lifetime. so why do i have a panic attack, when i think of being smaller? helplessness. i was helpless. now, i am not. i can let go of this. i will become stronger and more capable by doing this. i will kick more ass. i will allow people to come in. this is so big sometimes, to think about. letting go of this shit. allowing people to know me. i am becoming. this journey has taught me lessons.. it has allowed me to take a look at my potential.

Let It Be