day 56

Just booked out a 1/2 mile on the bike. Trying not to beat myself up about the low distance.

On my way home tonight, everything was so pretty, with the clouds and the moon.. I wish I could've been outside walking, instead was inside on what I've decided is a contraption designed and built by serenely evil* people. Isn't the whole point to a bicycle being able to travel to a place faster than you could walk to it and enjoy the scenery.. Not pedaling insanely away, going nowhere, inside of a stuffy room.

I must confess, I may have lied. I started walking after midnight, not only because of my nocturnal tendencies, but because I did not like to be seen.

This whole "putting myself out there" thing, is very new for me. I don't consider myself to be shy..just reclusive. (not good) if a person builds up enough dislike for the human race, one begins to dislike oneself, even more. Bollocks to that.

*well balanced in their evilness..quite content.

(update add another 1/2 mile to the trek. 1 mile daily total for Tuesday. (that feels better to my head)

day 55

I only got in 1/2 mile on the bike.

I really am starting over.. =p

day 54

i went for 1.4 miles on the bike at a pretty good pace.

it felt pretty good to sweat like that again. 

day 53

but is it really? i'm starting over. you know, in my head. i'm starting back at one.

i walked 1 mile.

i feel great. arch is kinda sore. if it hurts tomorrow, i will skip the day and go for the next. every other day is great. don't push push push. inner monologue, has got out of control here.

i'm getting smaller. i'm fighting panic attacks about that. i know it's a good thing to get smaller. why am i so nervous about it? i feel like if i'm big, i won't get hurt. that's crap, of course. i've proved that. i've had more than a fair share of hurt in my lifetime. so why do i have a panic attack, when i think of being smaller? helplessness. i was helpless. now, i am not. i can let go of this. i will become stronger and more capable by doing this. i will kick more ass. i will allow people to come in. this is so big sometimes, to think about. letting go of this shit. allowing people to know me. i am becoming. this journey has taught me lessons.. it has allowed me to take a look at my potential.

Let It Be

day 52

1/4 mile

I was told the insoles have a "break-in" period of up to 2 weeks. I'm kind of impatient about getting back into the walking. This is where I realize, it doesn't matter how frustrated I get with my situation.. It's going to take time to get better.

The truth of the matter. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the motivation will disappear.

day 51

1/2 mile

I'm having difficulty finding what it takes to do what I was doing before I got ill.

I realized that I haven't done a lot of things in life, because I am afraid of failing. This is a debilitating fear. Like I'm stuck in a corner..unable to move at all. I also realized, that with this, the only way I fail, is if I stop completely. I cannot fail if I'm still walking. That kind of makes it easier.

bitch. I'm going to start taking chances.

day 50

1/2 mile walked.

I have a lot to write, but I'm not going to do it now. I don't really feel like it.