day 33

2.1 miles today

the road is my therapist, my sneakers the couch. 
through my sweat and pain, i find clarity.

today is a good day

day 32

.7 of a mile today

that's all i had in me. i will walk again (tonight) but it will be after midnight by that time and it will be day 33.. another day.. another post.. another mile walked.

i wrote some stuff... and i meant some stuff. no one knows who or what i'm talking about most days, so i don't suppose it matters and i'm not ashamed or embarrassed of what i wrote. it's not a case of "oh, Sarah's drunk again.. what will she write to embarrass herself.."

i need to work on sentence structure, grammar and punctuation. my writing is sad and i know that it bothers more than a few people that i don't capitalize anything. (as it should, it's not proper)

back to the stuff, i'm writing it here, because i think it's worth saying/writing again:

blame the alcohol. i think you've got to figure out if i'm worth the risk of potentially humiliating yourself for. i might say "what the fuck?" or worse, you don't know, because you don't know me. (i'm not like that) and i can say with all sincerity and with a pretty humble opinion, that yes, i am worth the risk.

i say humble, because it's true. as i write that, as i think it..
there's a nasty little voice, hissing at me "you're not good enough for anyone."

yes, i am. (i whisper)

"no one wants you."

*sigh*

day 31

1.4 miles walked

it seems that when i write a post, that gets me going (and apparently other people too) that i go into a dry spell. i can't seem to write something great each day.

then i think, that's not entirely true. it's just the stuff that i feel comfortable writing down. maybe i can only open myself up so much at a time.. i don't know who reads this. i know the people that comment and the people that always like it, due to progress or whatever. but i'm weird that way, i don't know who i'm being vulnerable with or even if i am being vulnerable. it's only the truth. which is ugly sometimes and sometimes hurts. even if it's not intended to. so do we buffer the truth, shine it up, make it pretty.. so it goes down easier.. do we coat that truth with lies? to ease it in.. lies are like lubricant.

i made a friend. she gave me the truth. i believe her, she didn't pretty it up for me at all and i admire the hell out of her for it. thanks Velvet. if it weren't for you, i wouldn't know. and i'd still be wondering what and why. i don't regret wondering what or why, because it led me on a path. i wouldn't have met who i met and loved who i loved if i wouldn't have had that drive to make things right between me and who ever that was i knew way back when. i'm not sure i knew him now. not sure at all. but that doesn't matter.

life is lived in the journey, not the destination.

the destination is death, isn't it?

day 30

1.4 miles walked

it feels like spring, even with the snow on the ground.

here i am 30 days in. part of me cannot believe that i've kept it up this long and part of me feels like i'm not doing enough. i get stressed at the idea of missing one of my walks. with every step that i take, i am closer, to something.

i realized. i am doing this, so that someone will like me. this someone is important to me. they haven't been in the past. in the past i've treated this person like garbage. i've abused this person. i've punished them. i've hated them. emotionally, physically, mentally... i've done everything i can, to tear them down and now, it's time to rebuild my relationship. with myself. i love you Sarah. if i met you on the street and had tea with you, i'd listen intently, because you have deep, profound, intelligent things to say. you're genuine. you're thoughtful. you love deeply and intensely. you are so worth this effort i am putting forth to save you. 

and it's about time.

day 29

1.4 miles walked

today has been a weird day.

my psyche may be splitting like an amoeba.

boom

day 28

.7 miles walked (so far)
*update* 1.4 miles walked Tuesday

it's nearing the end of February and my goal of walking 1 mile per day, is somewhat complete. i've been splitting the distance, walking my regular .7 of a mile, twice a day. i find this more attainable at this point in time. and i'm still going with the philosophy that it's more important that i'm doing it, rather than when.

i'm almost at the 30 day mark. i'm starting to notice (and so are others) that my face is getting thinner. i've also noticed changes in other parts of my body and major improvements in flexibility.

i knew i wouldn't get this far along and think oh jesus, this hasn't been worth it.

it's just been GETTING here. (think mindset)

i feel like i'm accomplishing something and i'm proud of myself.

i'm letting me be proud of me. that's a big step.

day 27

.7 of a mile

I certainly put it off and put it off.. Usually, about halfway through or so.. I realize that the walk turns into putting one foot in front of the other. It stops being: "this is good, this feels good" and starts being: "ugh, get it over with, this is uncomfortable"

I missed Saturday. Can I make up for it by walking twice on Sunday? (one down, one to go)

update - walked 1.4 miles total on Sunday =)