writing some of this pre-walk. i will publish it post-walk though, because i want to include what i've done and i don't want to post more than once a day...
hitting rock bottom or as i like to call it becoming self-aware.
2010, for me, was all about hitting (what i hope) was/is rock bottom, because i'm still there and i'm working on crawling the hell out of that hole! (it's always darkest before the dawn) i'm starting to become self-aware. sure, there are reasons that i've let myself get this big.. it's kind of like the elephant in the room, so to speak, i'm not referring to my fat ass either. it's just so sneaky. you don't wake up one day and BOOM! you're clinically obese.. (i don't like that term, from now on, i'm just going to use the word fat.) but in a way, the little bits i've gained over the years, it's so sneaky getting on there.
i will share my childhood sexual abuse story in the future.
on the flip side of that. i don't look at myself often. i think everyone should. just get naked and look at yourself in a full length mirror at least once a week and see what your body is up to. the amazing thing? i didn't really realize that i had gotten quite so huge. i saw myself on a television monitor at work and thought to myself, sweet fucking jesus, so this is why people stare at me when i go out. so yeah, hitting rock bottom has a little something to do with, (not vanity) the OH MY GOD factor finally kicking in.
i think a lot of us see ourselves differently, based on how we feel most days. i hurt. a lot. so most days, i assume that i look like hell and i do. hey, i've got a pretty face, but that's about all i've got going for me (physically) at this point. i have a realistic image for my body (post weight loss). i know i will be saggy, but damn it, i'm going to feel better.
tomorrow i will talk about how 2009/2010 were the years i hit rock bottom and why they sucked. you'd think it was 2008 and the A-Fib attack, but, you'd be wrong, that was just the beginning of the shit-storm.
walk done: 1/8 of a mile, it was easier than yesterday.
and whatever you do, don't tell me i should be walking in the morning, because i will argue with you. i don't care how much scientific evidence is available to show that it's more effective. i won't do it, i know myself and you're be missing the whole point of this. it's more important that i'm DOING it, than what time of day i choose to do it.
It is amazing how much we don't realise about the way we look. A couple of months before Maggie and I set about our journey to be healthier, we stayed the night in a hotel that had a huge wall mirror in the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteOnly then did it occur to me that at home we didn't have any full size mirrors, so I was only used to seeing my face/head, and viewing my body from above. It was a real shock and certainly became a contributing factor for our shift from knowing we needed to do something about it to actually doing something about it.
I promise I won't tell you that you should walk in the morning--I can't freaking do it either! We always work out waaay late at night, and it just feels better to me. I think the research should conclude that the most effective exercise is the exercise you are willing to actually do. For me, that's the exercise I do at night. So I support your night-owl-ness!
ReplyDelete@Kim: and of course, when you love someone (spouse) you see them in a different way anyway. i know how you feel about Maggie =)
ReplyDelete@Velvet: exactly!!