day 49

oh yeah oh yeah!

1 mile

i feel pretty good, got a little wet.. (don't be dirty..)

i had to say hello to someone. i had to say hello to CHANCE IN HELL. and i had to welcome it with open arms and whisper in it's ear.... sweet nothings.. i said... "ima make you my bitch."

i think i felt chance in hell tremble a bit.

day 48

1/2 mile

i have to remind myself, it's the fact that i'm doing this, that is important. i feel very weird right now. about my situation. where i'm headed, the path that i'm on. it feels very surreal at this point. almost as if i've been a spectator in my own life for the last 30 years and now, i'm finally sitting in the captain's chair.

i think i've sat here before, it feels familiar. but only for a day or so at a time. then it's always been back to disconnect, deprive myself and the people around me of the chance of getting to know who i am and who they are.

i'm trying TRYING so very hard to engage.

i have a weird sense of timing in conversations. sometimes, i can make them flow.. and hours can pass and i don't realize that i've been plugged into someone, sharing. then.

there are those times, when i walk away as i'm speaking, ending my sentence with a shutting door.

i do that, a lot. more often than the other.

(i may actually be famous for doing that.)

one of my problems is, i hate being that person.. the one that doesn't know when to leave and the conversation lags and it becomes "uncomfortable"

don't get me wrong, i am actually one of those people that feels pretty comfortable going long stretches without speaking at all.

i'm thinking =)

(this makes me weird to some people that like to talk talk talk a lot lot.. lot.. and then to others, it just means i'm a great listener. a commodity)

thinking, to me, is almost as good as reading a good book. i don't mean to be boastful, but i amuse myself pretty damn well. hey, i'm stuck with me all the time! if i would have thought of me in this light, (the humorous one) and judged myself on that alone, i'd like myself a shitload more. because that's one thing that i've always liked about myself. i enjoy being funny. all types of funny.

when i get around people that are equally vivacious (or more so) i feed off of them. this goes back to the plugging in with people and sharing thing. some people, i just click with.

i also do the opposite.. i may become more quiet and simply observe, enjoy being entertained. i love it. i love when people dance and sing and say witty things or do stupid things to make me laugh. i appreciate it.

i stay tuned in. connected.

except.

except...

oh except when i start liking liking someone.

then i...

disconnect.....

withdraw..........

(it's the fear)

day 47

a week later...........


i feel like i'm starting at day 1.


i walked 1/2 mile


10 minutes after i got in.. i hacked up 3 lungs. oh, you didn't know i had a spare? i was only able to get 2 back in, it's like socks.. once they're out of the pack, they don't go back in the same way. i think i'll be alright though, mere mortals have but 2 lungs.. 


i feel PHENOMENAL!!!! 


oh.. how i've missed that endorphin rush that i get after a little cardio.. 
i mean... endogenous morphine.. what's not to like about that?


that's all sexy geek talk baby.. i'm diggin' it. yes!


i have a story for you

in a normally functioning human brain, there is a 3 step process. we can complete these steps in any manner of time frame, from seemingly instantaneous to lengthy.. i am referring, of course, to: idea - judgement - action. just about everything we do as people, comes down to those three steps.

- i want/need/desire to (spank his bottom)
- should i? (yes/no/later)
- ACTION! (smacked/unsmacked bottom)

when one is intoxicated.. normal functions go out the window. one of these 3 very important steps is disregarded. unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you view life, it isn't idea or action.

that's right. Judgement takes a little stay-cation.. oh, she's in the room.. but she's been tied up and gagged by Idea and Action.. they've been drinking too.

Judgement is that prim and proper lady (or gent)

Idea and Action - they're like nerd/stoner love children. they mean well, but without Judgement, they get a little lost.

i have disrespected Judgement a lot. much to my folly. i'm learning though.

nonsense

i am very sick. this is head cold2, yeah, i said it. this is the worst head cold i've had in a very long time and i've had some bad ones. needless to say, i haven't walked in 2 days and it may be 2 more, before i begin. again. my face. hurts. my sinuses are plugged. i keep hacking stuff up. and heaving on mucus. this is gross, but i gave up trying to brush my teeth this morning, because i just got tired of heaving. i didn't bother wearing makeup, because what's the point with a runny nose?! i'd end up wiping it all off. and forget about the eyes.. watering. and even waterproof mascara cannot last through these tears and repeated blotting.

so not only do i feel like hell, i look it.

i had a lot of fun last night though. (i) drank too much, laughed very heartily. spanked a boy. (sorry Chris) got groped and patted repeatedly (thanks strange men), got my tits looked over. (ha) and got (accidentally) ditched and (valiantly) rescued (by a man who is just as handsome as Rupert Everett pre-plastic surgery weird-out) within a 2 minute span.

file it under good.

day 46

1 mile walked

i think this is weird.. this new writing trend.. i walk after i get home from work, 12:30am or so, i write about it almost 24 hours later. i don't know if this is bad or if it's good. i do know, i'm thinking about writing a lot more. i take notes, thoughts i'd like to include. i don't have notes for this post. =(

i did write something down about a week ago though, that i wanted to put here.

moth, meet flame. i kinda know now, why it is, what it is. we find the little things that we love about ourselves, multiplied in others and we call it love.

i'll never understand love completely, i'm willing to learn though.

day 45

1 mile walked

i cannot write this post.. and not talk about pain.


so i made the huge blundering mistake yesterday, saying that the walking part isn't difficult.

my left ankle, hurts so bad. they both hurt, but that one.. oh, my walk took 40 minutes.
=( not happy, i felt like an old lady. most old ladies can probably out-walk me anyway.
i'm starting to worry about the MS walk in mid April, if I'll be able to do it.


tonight's walk will be brought to you by Icy Hot.

day 44

1 mile

some days i have to force myself to do what i need to do to make myself feel "good"

i'm wondering when this will become second nature. (i'm not even talking about the walking, really) i'm talking about the other stuff, that i do every day (or nearly) to make myself feel good. like putting on makeup.. giving a shit what i look like. you know, this kinda stuff.. i have to hold yourself to a standard, i do, i have to hold myself accountable for how i look, feel.. blah blah blah and it's kind of exhausting. i've slept a lot. over the weekend.. i woke up at 3pm on Saturday and then at 4pm on Sunday.. you may think that i had trouble falling alseep again, nope.. zonk.

i haven't walked as much as i had been walking. i've also only managed once a day. i have no idea where that motivation went (that seemed to exist just a week ago) i felt like i was kicking ass, now, not so much.

day 43

1 mile walked

i'm writing notes.

day 42

1 mile walked

i used to be so careless with my heart. my formidable years, i wasn't a shy 21 year old, she loved and she loved hard.. by the time i turned 25, i was changed completely, i had withdrawn from the world on an emotional level, i only brought my heart out on very rare occasions.

the thing about doing that is, it just gets more difficult to deal with stuff.. shutting down, shutting out..

i mentioned "the champagne supernova" years. those were good years, there's a sense of naiveté with youth, that makes it so fleeting and fun.. it's also drama-ridden and i have no use for it.. i'm happy that shit is over.

i'm just tired of being broken.

why can't i just say "i'm ok now" and have that be the truth? why isn't it that easy?

day 41

1 mile walked (20 minutes)

i've started timing myself.

i've always tried to be a "say what you mean and mean what you say" kind of girl. i was recently told that this is one of the reasons that "everyone likes me". i've been getting a lot of pep talks lately, which is a good thing, i've got amazing people in my life. i need the encouragement. i hear a lot of "everyone loves you", "everyone likes you" and "you're beautiful" and honestly "why don't you love yourself?"

i don't know the answer to that last one, but i do find it statistically hard to believe that everyone likes/loves me. i don't really care if everyone likes me, just as long as some people do.

i'm having mini spastic freak outs with food.

mini spastic freak out (defined): it's like when you throw up and you think you're done, you've got that sense of relief.. but you have this sneaking suspicion in the back of your mind that you're not done puking.. and just as soon as that thought enters your brain, you feel that familiar pulling at the back of your tongue, as it moves the fuck out of the way. you're not done, you keep going.

(weird, random, left field, why did i just write that?)

i think that i'm done with my weird relationship with food.. but in the back of my mind, i know better. i know that i'm not and i have weird pig out moments.. keep in mind, "typical" eating behavior (pre-getting healthy Sarah) = me not giving a shit and just eating whatever. since i've started walking however, i have this desire to make my physical efforts more fruitful and i'ves tarted eating better. until i have a mini spastic freak out and eat 2 king size candy bars.. no, i'm not upset while i do this. i'm not crying and eating, give me a break, who does that? if i cry too much, i vomit.. eating is the last thing on my mind.

i define it this way.. and i hope that by defining it, i can come up with some sort of answer.

i eat, to fill a void. i feel empty. hollow. i do the same thing with sex (not lately) but it's all to fill that void that is within me.. the void isn't truly empty, it has all these mean things squirrelled away in hidey holes, just waiting for the right vulnerable moment to pop up.. i have a lot of vulnerable moments (always by myself) i think if i were better at being vulnerable with people, i wouldn't have half the problems that i do. there's always a fine line here, to be walked. i've trusted the wrong people before. that sucks.

i freak out and i feel that void. it's like a panic button gets pressed. i panic at the thought of people genuinely liking me, having to be human again. being human is a messy business.

lately, i'm struggling with this daunting task i've started. i'm 41 days in and i was feeling pretty relaxed about my progress but then, i've started *thinking* about what i still have yet to do. it's a lot. maybe i need to start looking at it like a recovering addict does, one day at a time.

i just want to be "good enough", for myself especially.

day 40

.7 of a mile walked

lazy today. i was so tired, that i opted to sleep in (which was a laugh, i just laid there, thinking about how lazy i was being, until my alarm went off an hour later than normal)

i failed yesterday.. when i said "being fat and ugly, has made me paranoid." see, there was a point that i was trying to convey.. except, i got side-tracked and ended up word vomiting a bunch of other stuff instead.

i'm changing. i'm beginning to see myself as something. i'm probably not where i need to be self-esteem wise (fuck, i know i'm not) but i'm getting there. through all this self-work though, comes a lot of "ah-ha" moments.. that's what the "being fat and ugly" comment was all about. it has made me paranoid... to this day, i still have a hard time believing people, when they: tell me they like me, say they want to hang out, be friends.. get in my pants* (that not so much, getting in pants, has little to do with "looks" anyway) and i certainly have major difficulty believing anyone has feelings for me, beyond friendly ones.

(being fat and ugly, has made me paranoid because i doubt like hell, i'd be having this discussion if i didn't feel that way about myself)

i get paranoid.. suspicious.. and i worry.. a lot. i over-analyze to the point of being obsessive. why am i admitting to all of this? because it's something about myself, that has ALWAYS driven me completely nuts. it's all about the stuff i can't control. it's outside of my realm of influence, seriously.. well, not the way i represent myself (which may or may not result in said attention) but.. you get my drift..

i cannot control if someone likes/dislikes/loathes/loves me..

they'll do it, whether i want them to or not.

day 39

2 miles walked

being fat and ugly, has made me paranoid.

we spend the first 18 years (probably the most impressionable ones) of our lives, learning standards: maths. language. "history". manners. looks. preferences. basic, human stuff. this time is spent, trying to make us "functional" members of society.

i've spent the last 10+ years trying to unlearn some of the shit that i learned there... well, i should say, i've spent the last 2 years. the first few were spent with me thinking there is actually something wrong with me. then making exceptions and lowering standards. the bargaining begins. "i'm fat, so i can't have high standards" came into play a lot. i won't lie, i married a man that i didn't love, because, i was afraid to be alone. i divorced that man, because, i was afraid to spend the rest of my life with him. that, really, was the first step in all of this. shedding the stigma that i can't have standards and preferences like everyone else on the planet does.

i don't have high standards, i have MY standards.

recently, i've come to terms with.. my face.. it is my face. it's the only one i have.

and i have very very recently, started to view my (made up face) as mildly attractive. not pretty or beautiful, maybe cute. but pleasing. (hey, babies like it.)

as i apply various layers of cosmetics, i take note of the lines under my eyes, that weren't there 5 years ago. i know where they came from. they came from grief.

the laugh lines look different..

i'm working on those now.

day 38

.7 walked

i had an unproductive (walking) weekend. i did a lot of talking. and i realized. i don't usually do a lot of talking. spent some time with a good friend. i don't know how we managed to disconnect over the years, no point in wondering really, the important part is that we found each other again.

i talked a lot about my childhood trauma. she got some of it out of me. not details, but how it all made me feel. it was overwhelming and healing. just getting it out and having someone say "none of this was your fault" and believe it. i don't think i've ever believed that i was blameless in all of it.

so tonight.. back on with the big walks.

day 37

2.1 miles walked

i've decided a couple of things:

1. after my 100th day of walking, i'm getting a tattoo.

2. i found out that MS walk is 5k which is 3 miles. i have got to get up to walking 3 miles in one go by April. right now, i'm walking my 2.1 in (2) parts, the lion's share at night, then a shorty before work. 3 miles seems simple and daunting at the same time.

it's friday =)

i feel tall today

day 36

2.1 miles walked

every once in a while.. you have to look at yourself objectively. your behaviors.. your habits.. your emotions.. and you have to question. you do. the question usually sounds a little bit like this:

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!

if you can figure out a sound and rational answer, then what you're doing either is

A.) the right thing
or
B.) you're a pathological liar (you will find a way to rationalize anything!)

if you can't figure out a sound and rational answer..

it's probably time to change whatever it is you're questioning.

i cannot find a sound and rational answer for what i'm questioning at this very moment.

i've lost some focus over the past month.. it's slowly drifted. and while my distance in walking has improved, i feel that my mental and emotional states have been neglected. slightly. not entirely.

focus

day 35

1.4 miles walked

i abandoned my midday walk, that would have brought my total up to 2 miles.. because i had to go deal with phone issues.. i'm not even going to get into it, i will just get pissed off all over again.

my legs feel restless right now.

today isn't a great day

day 34

2.1 miles

we'll see if 2.1 is my new number. my goal "by the end of February, walk 1 mile per day. i started walking 1.4 pretty consistently starting February 20th. here it is, the 1st of March and i've walked 2 miles a day, for the last two days. i've not only met my goal.. i've doubled it.

instead of feeling proud, which, i suppose i should. i feel like i'm playing catch up. i remember being the last one, always. last one chosen.. last one to climb the hill.. last one to the party.. everyone waiting on me (not always patiently) last.. last.. last.. so please, excuse me, if i only allow myself (a tiny amount of pride) for something that i should have been doing all along. this, like so many things, has been last. it's a last resort.. a last ditch effort.

(now i'm weeping)

all of this beautiful effort i am putting forth and instead of feeling happy, that i'm doing it, i feel like a failure, because i've waited so long. i've missed so much.

on the flip side of that, i'm not dead, yet.
and

i feel like i'm fighting for my very life
and

i AM putting forth the effort. I AM.

i think.. would i be a different person, if i wouldn't have tortured myself into a state of walking death? would i be a completely self-absorbed cunt (one of my worst fears, actually) if i had a body like a goddess? i think i would. i do. i think i'd have turned into a wretched human being.

i don't think i'd appreciate those people who make me feel better, just by throwing a smile my way.. or kind words of reassurance. that weird is interesting (yes, it is) and that it will get better. i am blessed to know so many wonderful people. but would i think they're wonderful if i were not me? would i treasure them? would they treasure me?

would i be so damned lovable, if i hadn't suffered?

everything happens for a reason. my accepting that, is what is going to get me through THIS. there is a light.. a pin point of light at the end of a very dark tunnel and i see it. it gives me hope that one day, i'll be there. in the light. basking in the warmth of an improved life. it's work work work and enjoying the journey right now, that's my job.

and playing a fuckload of catch up, i OWE this to myself.