2.1 miles
we'll see if 2.1 is my new number. my goal "by the end of February, walk 1 mile per day. i started walking 1.4 pretty consistently starting February 20th. here it is, the 1st of March and i've walked 2 miles a day, for the last two days. i've not only met my goal.. i've doubled it.
instead of feeling proud, which, i suppose i should. i feel like i'm playing catch up. i remember being the last one, always. last one chosen.. last one to climb the hill.. last one to the party.. everyone waiting on me (not always patiently) last.. last.. last.. so please, excuse me, if i only allow myself (a tiny amount of pride) for something that i should have been doing all along. this, like so many things, has been last. it's a last resort.. a last ditch effort.
(now i'm weeping)
all of this beautiful effort i am putting forth and instead of feeling happy, that i'm doing it, i feel like a failure, because i've waited so long. i've missed so much.
on the flip side of that, i'm not dead, yet.
and
i feel like i'm fighting for my very life
and
i AM putting forth the effort. I AM.
i think.. would i be a different person, if i wouldn't have tortured myself into a state of walking death? would i be a completely self-absorbed cunt (one of my worst fears, actually) if i had a body like a goddess? i think i would. i do. i think i'd have turned into a wretched human being.
i don't think i'd appreciate those people who make me feel better, just by throwing a smile my way.. or kind words of reassurance. that weird is interesting (yes, it is) and that it will get better. i am blessed to know so many wonderful people. but would i think they're wonderful if i were not me? would i treasure them? would they treasure me?
would i be so damned lovable, if i hadn't suffered?
everything happens for a reason. my accepting that, is what is going to get me through THIS. there is a light.. a pin point of light at the end of a very dark tunnel and i see it. it gives me hope that one day, i'll be there. in the light. basking in the warmth of an improved life. it's work work work and enjoying the journey right now, that's my job.
and playing a fuckload of catch up, i OWE this to myself.
We cannot change the past, no matter how long we brood and dwell on it - it remains in a place we can no longer reach.
ReplyDeleteSo each day we can only start from the place we are at.
But the place you started today was considerably further forward than the place you started a month ago.
And in another month, you will be further forward again.
And that IS cause for celebration.
It is cause for a *smug* moment.
What you have shown is that you do have the ability to keep moving forward, even though there have been so many times when you have felt it was pointless and have felt like giving up.
The greatest achievement is not the 2 miles a day - although that is absolutely an achievement worth celebrating - the greatest achievement is you have kept going with this each day.
And it is this ability to battle your own fears and self loathing that will get stronger and stronger in time. Just like a muscle, the more you exercise it, the more efficient it becomes.
You have proved the self-loathing doesn't have to win.
And I am mightily proud of you Sarah.
Sweetie Pie...there is NOTHING wrong with being fashionably late! You are kickin' ass and don't you forget it! Hugs...Kari
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