day 41

1 mile walked (20 minutes)

i've started timing myself.

i've always tried to be a "say what you mean and mean what you say" kind of girl. i was recently told that this is one of the reasons that "everyone likes me". i've been getting a lot of pep talks lately, which is a good thing, i've got amazing people in my life. i need the encouragement. i hear a lot of "everyone loves you", "everyone likes you" and "you're beautiful" and honestly "why don't you love yourself?"

i don't know the answer to that last one, but i do find it statistically hard to believe that everyone likes/loves me. i don't really care if everyone likes me, just as long as some people do.

i'm having mini spastic freak outs with food.

mini spastic freak out (defined): it's like when you throw up and you think you're done, you've got that sense of relief.. but you have this sneaking suspicion in the back of your mind that you're not done puking.. and just as soon as that thought enters your brain, you feel that familiar pulling at the back of your tongue, as it moves the fuck out of the way. you're not done, you keep going.

(weird, random, left field, why did i just write that?)

i think that i'm done with my weird relationship with food.. but in the back of my mind, i know better. i know that i'm not and i have weird pig out moments.. keep in mind, "typical" eating behavior (pre-getting healthy Sarah) = me not giving a shit and just eating whatever. since i've started walking however, i have this desire to make my physical efforts more fruitful and i'ves tarted eating better. until i have a mini spastic freak out and eat 2 king size candy bars.. no, i'm not upset while i do this. i'm not crying and eating, give me a break, who does that? if i cry too much, i vomit.. eating is the last thing on my mind.

i define it this way.. and i hope that by defining it, i can come up with some sort of answer.

i eat, to fill a void. i feel empty. hollow. i do the same thing with sex (not lately) but it's all to fill that void that is within me.. the void isn't truly empty, it has all these mean things squirrelled away in hidey holes, just waiting for the right vulnerable moment to pop up.. i have a lot of vulnerable moments (always by myself) i think if i were better at being vulnerable with people, i wouldn't have half the problems that i do. there's always a fine line here, to be walked. i've trusted the wrong people before. that sucks.

i freak out and i feel that void. it's like a panic button gets pressed. i panic at the thought of people genuinely liking me, having to be human again. being human is a messy business.

lately, i'm struggling with this daunting task i've started. i'm 41 days in and i was feeling pretty relaxed about my progress but then, i've started *thinking* about what i still have yet to do. it's a lot. maybe i need to start looking at it like a recovering addict does, one day at a time.

i just want to be "good enough", for myself especially.