day 39

2 miles walked

being fat and ugly, has made me paranoid.

we spend the first 18 years (probably the most impressionable ones) of our lives, learning standards: maths. language. "history". manners. looks. preferences. basic, human stuff. this time is spent, trying to make us "functional" members of society.

i've spent the last 10+ years trying to unlearn some of the shit that i learned there... well, i should say, i've spent the last 2 years. the first few were spent with me thinking there is actually something wrong with me. then making exceptions and lowering standards. the bargaining begins. "i'm fat, so i can't have high standards" came into play a lot. i won't lie, i married a man that i didn't love, because, i was afraid to be alone. i divorced that man, because, i was afraid to spend the rest of my life with him. that, really, was the first step in all of this. shedding the stigma that i can't have standards and preferences like everyone else on the planet does.

i don't have high standards, i have MY standards.

recently, i've come to terms with.. my face.. it is my face. it's the only one i have.

and i have very very recently, started to view my (made up face) as mildly attractive. not pretty or beautiful, maybe cute. but pleasing. (hey, babies like it.)

as i apply various layers of cosmetics, i take note of the lines under my eyes, that weren't there 5 years ago. i know where they came from. they came from grief.

the laugh lines look different..

i'm working on those now.