day 40

.7 of a mile walked

lazy today. i was so tired, that i opted to sleep in (which was a laugh, i just laid there, thinking about how lazy i was being, until my alarm went off an hour later than normal)

i failed yesterday.. when i said "being fat and ugly, has made me paranoid." see, there was a point that i was trying to convey.. except, i got side-tracked and ended up word vomiting a bunch of other stuff instead.

i'm changing. i'm beginning to see myself as something. i'm probably not where i need to be self-esteem wise (fuck, i know i'm not) but i'm getting there. through all this self-work though, comes a lot of "ah-ha" moments.. that's what the "being fat and ugly" comment was all about. it has made me paranoid... to this day, i still have a hard time believing people, when they: tell me they like me, say they want to hang out, be friends.. get in my pants* (that not so much, getting in pants, has little to do with "looks" anyway) and i certainly have major difficulty believing anyone has feelings for me, beyond friendly ones.

(being fat and ugly, has made me paranoid because i doubt like hell, i'd be having this discussion if i didn't feel that way about myself)

i get paranoid.. suspicious.. and i worry.. a lot. i over-analyze to the point of being obsessive. why am i admitting to all of this? because it's something about myself, that has ALWAYS driven me completely nuts. it's all about the stuff i can't control. it's outside of my realm of influence, seriously.. well, not the way i represent myself (which may or may not result in said attention) but.. you get my drift..

i cannot control if someone likes/dislikes/loathes/loves me..

they'll do it, whether i want them to or not.