day 15

.4 mile done
i can no longer refer to it as 1/4 of a mile, that would be cheating myself.

today was pretty awful. it ended relatively well, but it started out shitty. i just wanted to go back to sleep. so i did, for another hour. it was one of those days, that i could have slept most of away. my depressive side kicking in. i don't know how to put it in to words. i always say that. then i manage, somehow. i'm better at writing things here, for people to read. than i am speaking to people. i don't think i come off as articulate at all in person. i can't tell a story or a joke, not really. i can entertain people, but it's merely a load of randomness, flying out of my mouth. observations.. smart ass comments. i mostly end up feeling guilty when i do. a lot of times, it's hurtful. and i think people have actually come to expect that mean-spirited humor from me. i've done it so long. this shit doesn't shut off. no wonder i'm alone.

there is a huge difference between being lonely and desperate. loneliness can lead to desperation.. but it doesn't automatically start there (i guess it does for some people)

i realized the other day. my first love happened when i was 21.. i gave that lovely Shaun everything i was. i couldn't imagine life without him. on an August morning in 2001, it ended. and i mean that quite literally. life stopped for me. i was crippled. wretched. and i stayed that way. i'm still kind of that way. i haven't been able or i haven't let myself fall again. i didn't love my ex-husband. not really. sure, i said "i love you" i was just going through the motions. i fixed him. he's a capable person now (thanks to me) yes, i mean that. he was living with his parents, going absolutely nowhere. why the hell i thought that was a good idea, i'll never know. i made Josh grow up. i suppose my being a "strong and capable" person had a lot to do with it. i think it's more like this. i'm a terrible bitch. he worshiped me. i let him. i was this glorious cunt. he did anything and everything i said. (most of the time) the thing about it is. i'm not into that. i'm not into the boot-licking, suck-ups.. i don't like people to pay compliments at every turn. they are EARNED. and if they're just thrown about, they are meaningless. that's how the "i'm sorry" started feeling. nothing felt genuine.. because nothing was. i turned into someone i didn't even know or like. there was so much disgust for myself. he never expected anything from me. how can you not expect things from a partner?

(it's over, calm down..)

a good conversation. someone capable. not easily intimidated. patient.

i just want something real.