day 20

.6 of a mile walked

man.. so i decided yesterday, to bump up my distance.. truth be told, after i walked that, my hips were killing me. i got swagger beotches.. it's disguised as a waddle... i'll be strutting soon.

i walked a longer distance, because the just shy of 1/2 a mile wasn't cutting it. it was too easy for me (except after my days off - which i have decided to quit taking from here on) i felt like i was just warming up. so, i added that extra bit, not a lot mind.. and boom. square 1.. well, not quite that terrible.. but still pretty ouch on the joint pain.

i was thinking: i can't go backwards. i can't. that wouldn't be productive. i've got to stick this out and make it work. it will get easier. i can't go backwards. i can't regress. i can't let up. 

now, i'm thinking: i can go forward. i can progress. i can.

i want to make 1 mile per day by March 1st. i have to add distance at some point.

so, why was i thinking i can't?

why do i ever think i can't*?

the answer to this question is both, very complex and very simple. i have set limits for myself. those limits are ridiculously low and high (both) my chances for failure, due to both of these extremes is very high.

why do i do this?
i am a dedicated masochist and i am an avid sadist.

not so secretly, i want to fail. because it hurts and deep down, i'm kind of afraid to be happy. because in being happy. excuses are really eliminated. you can't whine. because everything is fluid.. everything is changeable. (i hate that i just put it that way.. i know a guy (that acted in a not-so respectable way) he used to say that and attach the word "babe" to it, to be extra condescending. he was an excellent teacher. but the lessons were always so bitter and painful. it taught me a lot about myself though. i wouldn't know that i'm a sadomasochist if i wouldn't have known him. it goes beyond the safe kinky sadomasochism though. i hurt myself for reals and that isn't good. (mentally, physically, emotionally) it's not healthy to do what i do and i've learned what i'm up to and slowly. surely.. i'm making changes to stop. (i'm still going to get more tattoos and maybe 2 more things pierced, because i seriously want my nipples pierced) 

i'm going to let lovely relationships with people blossom, as they deserve to do.

i'm going to let my friends love me. help me. support me.

i'm going to let myself heal from the emotional wounds and trauma that i've suffered over and over again throughout my life.

Brian cannot hurt me anymore.

i'm grown. i am strong. i am courageous.

Donald cannot manipulate the love i felt for him.

i am free. i am beautiful.


*(there are, of course, situations, where i can't is a perfectly acceptable answer, i.e., i can't breathe under water. i can't fly like a bird. and then, there are the situations, where you can, but morally and legally, you damn well know better.)