i have no way of explaining how i feel at this very moment.
i just walked 1/8 of a mile.. half, my usual distance. i walked most of that with a cramp in my left calf.. sobbing, sweating, then shivering.. finally accepting defeat. i'm not the marathon runner who will limp to the finish line, oh no.. my pussy ass gives up... heads home.. and to commiserate that failure. i proceed to inhale TWO Jell-O Mousse Temptations (chocolate mint variety) for a grand total of 120 worthless calories. not because i had a craving. but because i had a leg cramp and felt like a failure for giving up halfway.
i feel a kind of AH-HA moment has happened just now. i read that back and thought omg. story of my life. i give up. i celebrate that giving up by making the problem worse.
and on the other hand.. i feel like a double failure for having mowed 2 Jell-O snacks instead of just one or a nice glass of water (which is why i likely have a leg cramp to begin with. no. i'm pouting. i went grocery shopping after work and bought those stupid mousse things. why? because deep down. i knew i'd want one after my walk.
i could have handled this situation differently. and by writing THAT fact out.. i now have a reminder for myself. that i do this.. sabotage. on a pretty regular basis.
a more productive response would have been "shit." calmly walked home (even if only doing half distance) stretching the whole way (lunges? even) where upon arriving.. drink a few glasses of water.. taken some ibuprofen.. perhaps.. continued to stretch offending muscle.. then re-try walk in 15 minutes. or, even if not at all. don't beat self up about it. hey. i walked. not as much, but you're going to have shitty days. even if they aren't emotionally shitty (like they usually are) sometimes, you don't drink as much water.. forget to take your supplements . iron.. calcium.. (you KNOW these things help fight leg cramps) this isn't a beat up.. this is a reminder. (this is your mother, TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!!) yeah, so, you ate 2 snacks.. it was 120 calories, it wasn't a bag of potato chips.. it wasn't a snickers bar (both well over 3x the calories ... you chose the lesser of evils in this case, good job.)
this isn't a justification. this is me. not beating my ass up about it.
blogs are good.
We all have bad days. The difference is whether we beat ourselves up and retreat into our self-medications, or whether we keep going.
ReplyDeleteThe sabotage point reminded me of a blog post I wrote a while back. It's quite long, but I really think you'll find it interesting:
Rewarded for what, exactly?"