day 12

i'm pretty sure this is me. dying.

i just walked 1/4 mile.

and i'm feeling every pound. no. every ounce that i weigh. i feel heavy. i feel impossibly fucking heavy. my filter fell off Kim!! how the hell did i ever think that i felt good? that i am comfortable. the last 10 years minimum, i have hurt. physically. every.damn.day. EVERY DAY! and yet somehow, i tricked my mind into thinking that i feel all right. that (for the longest time, i maintained this: i am fat, but healthy. there's nothing wrong with this)

yes THERE IS YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER! you HURT!! what part of that is RIGHT?!?!

the somewhat (secret) sadomasochist thinks it's all right. there is a not so very small side to me that likes hurting and inflicting hurt. if I do this to MYSELF, then no one else can do worse!!! right?!?! if i'm my own worst enemy, my very own torturer.. then what's the big deal? there is no one else to fear.

this is why, the honest truth why, walking at night doesn't scare me. i am, unapologetically, the biggest badass i know. (to myself) i'm not kidding. i am the meanest person (to myself) that i know.

i'd mentioned earlier that i don't know any "shady motherfuckers" well, here i am. i'm about as shady and underhanded (to myself) as they come. i sabotage my own efforts. i lie to myself. i make myself think that i feel good (although, right now, i could use a little of that mind control back, please, i'd like to feel good right now and BE WALKING MORE you bitch!) in a way.. isn't that another form of sabotage? my mind uncovering that filter (Kim) so that i can see how much this hurts.. a bit more motivation. :*( 

i think i could do without that kind of motivation. i've been that sadomasochist for too long.

i'm ranting now. i am ranting. i'm a lunatic.

i even started out slow tonight.. thought i'd add some more distance. nope. it was just a slow 1/4. a slow. painful one. but i got it in, nonetheless.